Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop

A while ago, I asked God for adventure, you can read about that here.  It's been a central focus, a hub if you will, upon which God has me spinning right now.  He's teaching me great and wondrous things but ultimately He is answering my prayer.  Typing that brings me to tears, and if you clicked over to the link you'll know why.  God is not only answering my prayer, He is giving above and beyond what I could have imagined.  This morning as I was praising Him for the abundance, a thought popped into my head.

"Don't get to excited about the adventure or God will take it away."

It's a thought I recognized immediately from my childhood.  I was a depressed child.  I didn't interact well with my peers and and I was an overly dramatic person (I still am).  I felt sure I was the only one trying to follow the rules and was constantly being punished for it.  In reality I was insufferable and God had to do some serious humbling of my prideful spirit but, as we often do, I missed the point of the lessons.  It made me feel like God was out to get me along with everyone else.  It put me in a mental state where I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  

 I have told you before I used to raise sheep for 4-H.  Man I loved that time.  I still miss having sheep.  I enjoyed being a shepherd and I loved what I learned about life and God during and after that experience.

But like most extracurricular activities during childhood, 4-H was meant to teach responsibility and the benefits of effort.  It teaches how to deal with loss, disappointment and the unexpected.  My first year I was so upset when I didn't win my parents threatened to put a kibosh on the whole endeavor.  I learned and I got better but I have to tell you something about myself that may shock some of you....  I'm a pessimist.  During my teenage years it was so much worse...I was a fatalist.  

There wasn't a specific moment, a singular tragedy, that brought on this struggle.  There were many.

I didn't like losing and I lost a lot. I didn't interact well with people my age and so I was friendless most of the time.  During my time in 4-H I lost a ewe to a pit bull attack, had 2 of my puppies die, and lost 5 sheep in the matter of a month due to a single accident.  

I loved my sheep a lot.  I considered them my only friends.  I thought they were the only ones who understood me and listened.  I finally felt like I was doing something good and that I had purpose.  When I lost Lindsey to a neighbors pit bull I was just starting to build my flock. I had two ewes I was proud of that would be bred for the first time and I was stoked.  I had a plan.  The loss of my ewe built a framework in my mind that boxed me into some very uncomfortable assumptions. 

• God punishes 

and

• God sometimes takes away anything that I love more than Him  

But wait, you say, those are both true.  Yes, but my assumptions weren't.  I assumed that meant I couldn't love or enjoy anything.  It painted a lightening bolt wielding God in my young mind and so I tried very hard not to love things.  Any good thing that came my way couldn't be enjoyed because eventually God would take it away.  I assumed "fear of the Lord" meant I needed to be a drudging slave who shouldn't think or question too much because God would know and punish me.  It gave me an excuse for fatalism and staying in my depressed state.  

Have you created a mental picture of God based on assumptions?  

I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop until I learned, over time, the depth of love God has for me.  Getting an unbalanced view of God is always dangerous.  God isn't all love or all justice.  He is all love AND all justice.  He is holy AND good.  I have no idea why the thought from my past popped into my head while I was praising Him this morning.  I thought I had learned better than that, and I have.  Our enemy isn't shy about using an oldy but goody.  For the first time in my life I am all in on this amazing adventure God has orchestrated for my life.  Good and bad, I get to make the choice to face it with joy and confidence.  That, that is right where God wants me and the exact opposite of what the enemy wants.  God's intention for me to live the abundant life He wants for me requires open hands for Him to give and take.  The balance of my understanding of God as a holy and righteous judge and a loving and good father is in the belief that God intends all of it for my good.   

What does the balance of your understanding of God hinge on?  What does the enemy use to try and unbalance you?  

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Blind and Wandering

I have been feeling like I'm stumbling around blind in a dark room lately.  I'm grasping at information and concepts I'm unfamiliar with as I pursue this amazing adventure with God and I feel like the blind men who stumble on an elephant and come to conclusions based on which part of the elephant they're feeling.   Practicing any skill requires intention and effort, so as I follow His will and step out in faith, I have been exploring a very important question. 

Are you pursuing success/return or are you seeking to be a good steward of what God has given you?  

Anything we put effort and attention into has the potential of becoming an idol.  It's an important question to ask yourself periodically.  Pursuit of something new comes with a lot of blind wandering as you research, learn, explore, fumble and network.  Putting that kind of effort in will require time and attention as well as patience and endurance.  So in this state of trying to balance

Matthew 25:14-30 (ESV)

27 Then you ought to have invested my money with the bankers, and at my coming I should have received what was my own with interest. 

with 

Proverbs 3:5-6 (ESV)

5 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

    and do not lean on your own understanding.

6 

In all your ways acknowledge him,

    and he will make straight your paths.

I came across a writing prompt a couple of weeks ago titled "I feel a deluge when".  Yeah, I've been feeling a deluge.  A deluge of doubt, questions, lists, worry and fear. 

Questions like:

Am I doing "this" right?  

Am I doing too much?  

Am I not doing enough? 

This is what I wrote:

I feel a deluge when... I consider all that is wrong and hard in this world. When I consider how little my light is, how tiny in the sea of stars, I am overwhelmed by the completeness of the darkness that seems to surround me. I know intellectually that God's light pierces the darkness and will one day make it flee, but I also know my purpose on this earth is to shine so that others may see. God shines through us so the world won't be blinded by the brilliance of His glory. While I stumble around in a dark world hoping someone sees this little light of mine, I have no way of knowing if I'm in the right place. God does. He's guided me right to this moment. He holds my

moments, and this little light of mine, right where and when He wants me. I feel overwhelmed at times because I want to strive to be my best, to be of the best use to my God. In the cascade of drowning thoughts and fears, when the monsoon of doubt hits, I have to remind myself that God doesn't reveal everything to us. I have to heighten my senses to Him. To trust, like the blind, in my guide.

Can you see the influence of last weeks post?  Me too.  I can also see that big question that has been on my mind this week.  Am I striving for myself or God?  I wanted to share this raw prompt with you because while I see those doubts and questions in this paragraph, I see something else too.  

Inspiration

There is a reason God uses the analogy of light and dark to describe our walk through this world.  God showed up in the form of light in the darkness from the first covenant with Abram.  

Genesis 15:17 English Standard Version (ESV)

17 When the sun had gone down and it was dark, behold, a smoking fire pot and a flaming torch passed between these pieces.

This world feels very dark, but there's a reason for that.  

1 Thessalonians 5:5 English Standard Version (ESV)

5 For you are all children[a] of light, children of the day. We are not of the night or of the darkness.

Have you ever turned off your light at night and then tried to get through the room?  Of course you have.  Even though you know that space, how often do you bump and stumble into things....yeah, me too.  The same thing applies to our spiritual life.  If we are from a kingdom of light and find ourselves in a dark space, our eyes aren't adjusted to this darkness.  

John 1:5 English Standard Version (ESV)

5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

There are quite a few warnings not to let your light become darkness in

scripture.  I'm starting to get a better picture of why that is.  Just like our eyes adjust to the dark, so do our spiritual eyes.  While that may seem like a normal thing which allows us to navigate in our surroundings that is also precisely why it is very, very bad.  That is exactly why we are supposed to be looking at the source of our light.  To keep our eyes firmly adjusted towards the holy and not the darkness.  While that means we are setting ourselves up to stumble around blindly in the dark it also means we are reminding ourselves to be guided by a God who is sure footed.  My goal this week, and I hope yours will be too, is to settle into blindness.  To let go of trying to see where I'm going in this world.  To let my other senses be heightened and searching for God's presence.  To be more attuned to His voice, His whisper, His breath.  To be more sensitive to His guiding touch on my arm.  To be focused on tasting and seeing that God is good.  

I bet you're wondering how I'm going to pull smell in but I'll leave that one up to your imagination 👃 😄  

What are some ways that you focus your mind on sensing God's presence in your day?  

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Too tired to fight

A friend of mine has been going through a lot recently.  A serious, dark time of attack from multiple angles in her life.  She is a beautiful daughter of God and she is handling all of the attacks to her family with grace.  Today, after updating me on the latest offenses, I complimented her on how she is handling all of hard things in her life right now.  Her response was "What you see on social media are only moments of light."

That response spoke volumes to me.  I knew that she was saying that she feels defeated and tired.  She feels like she is barely surviving.  Those moments where she was sharing with the world her beautiful God weren't an accurate reflection of the battle she's in.  They felt like desperate gasps of air in between terrifying moments under water.  I totally get that.  I've definitely felt that in my own life.  That feeling of failing, of drowning or of desperation.  I know she heard my compliment and thought to herself, 'that's nice of you to say but I'm actually struggling'.

I could see it on her face and I could hear the echo of it in my own soul.

This isn't grace, this is exhaustion.

In the midst of struggle we can only think about the next breath or the next slogging step.  Out of sheer desperation we cling to the hope we know is true.  God is walking with us through it all.  We can do this.
There's no oomph behind that thought, just the sheer desperate belief you cling too when you have nothing left.

Here's the beautiful part of what I discovered today.

I discovered what that beautiful struggle looks like from the outside.

She was exhausted, spent and wrung out by her life in that moment and still she shone with the incomparable light of God to me.  As human beings we watch, admire and celebrate struggle.  Sports contests, herculean efforts and firm belief against the odds are the stuff of literal legend.  It transcends age or ability.  Watching someone strive with all of their heart, soul and mind for something pricks our hearts and carries us along in their wake.  What makes us cheer for the underdog?  That hope that if we believe and try, we'll succeed too.  As I was testing that thought in my own heart I went back and looked at images of people giving their all and people who were utterly spent after their effort.  I not only saw an exquisite beauty in those moments, I felt them calling to me.  It stirred me, to be sure, but it also gave me pause.  No matter what the final outcome of the effort was, I saw in their faces the despair of fighting off the doubt that they couldn't give any more.  They weren't thinking about all of the good things that were happening around them, they were consumed with the task at hand and the mental and physical strength it took to endure to the end.  And yet, for the spectator, it is glorious.  It is cause for cheer, shouting, zeal and celebration.  Sure, sometimes we get caught up in the competition of it all and a seeming loss can push the wind from our crys, but if you're paying attention to the one giving the effort, their faces are still shining for a moment before defeat settles on them.  The effort, the attempt, was important.  It was valuable.  It was beautiful. 

This is as true of our spiritual journeys as it is of our physical. 
When Jesus was asked what the most important commandment was ...

And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  Mt 22:37 ESV

That kind of effort requires you dig deep into reserves of strength you never knew you had.  It requires focus and belief that spending all you have will not leave you destitute, but richer.  The kind of effort that thins you out and shows what is underneath.  The strength and beauty of this amazing woman of God could not be more evident because her imperfect vessel, being battered and abused (showing every crack, every chink in her armor), was shining forth the glory of God underneath.

"Our unimpressiveness accentuates God's inestimable impressiveness." 

-Beth Moore, The Quest

2 Corinthians 4:6-7 English Standard Version (ESV) 

For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.  But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.

While our times in the heat of battle are good for instruction and growth in our own lives, it's not always about us.  What God is doing in and through our struggles is often for the instruction, edification and evangelism of the rest of the world.

This isn't something we want to hear when we're in the midst of a fiery furnace but perhaps it will help you bear up a little better.  All the questions of "why is this happening?" and "when will it be over?" can be painful, especially when they seem unanswered, but our struggle under heavy burdens or impossible odds are always about God's name being glorified.  Why did Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego get thrown in the fiery furnace?  While I'm sure they got some serious benefits out of face time with a heavenly being, that wasn't the focus of the story. Nebuchadnezzar was.

This race we are running is a spectator sport.  We will be seen.  Just don't forget that when you are feeling your most broken, exhausted and spent is exactly when what's inside is best seen.  So don't compare your jar of clay to someone else's.  The jar, and it's state of brokenness, isn't the point of focus.  It's what's inside that should be shining out and that is what is beautiful, awe inspiring and glorious.

     

Linkups this week:

 


#dancewithjesus

How do I respond to tragedy

If you spend any time on social media you are going to come up against some strong opinions, especially around times of tragedy.  In a fallen world, and with the increased access to news and opinions, we will be confronted constantly by tragedy. I've been thinking about that a lot over the last month.  We've had some national tragedies that have once again polarized public opinion.  I've talked about social media fighting before on my blog but the recent slew of tragedies have revealed a disturbing new trend that has had me doing some serious soul searching.  

From my little corner of the internet, the overwhelming sentiment I saw was (expletives deleted) to "take our thoughts and prayers and @#^$%# it".  Our nation is mad.  They're mad at us.  

Or at least that's how it looks.  The world is mad because things are getting worse, not better.  The world is mad because they believe the world should be getting better.  The world should be more enlightened, understanding and intelligent.  Sadly, the world is not following the Utopian path that Star Trek set out for us.  The more knowledge we gain, the less understanding we extend.  In the battle cry for tolerance, the world has become more intolerant than ever.  

But that's not what I wanted to talk about today.  The best thing about this adventure that God has me on right now is that it is full of a dialog of questions.  He's asking me questions and I'm asking Him questions.  Of the many questions He's asked me to explore about myself and the world, some of them have been hard.  As followers of Christ, we know that the world will continue to degrade until Christ returns to establish His eternal kingdom. For years I have viewed the worlds tragedies in light of the grim prophecies of scripture and the firm belief that a life without God is lived in bondage to sin. 

I somehow took that as permission to take a step back from the world, and it's tragedies, and offer a sympathetic grimace and nothing else. After all, we're called to be in the world and not of it.  I focused on the "not of it" part.  This world is not our home.  

But when God asks you a question...there is weight behind it. And the question God has been asking me is this.  How do I respond to tragedy?  I've been wrestling with this question because I suspect that I have neglected the first part of "in this world but not of it" ...we are "in the world".  This is still where we live for now even if it's not our home.  I've heard that phrase used but it had been a while since I had actually read the scripture it was paraphrased from.
  

John 17:14-16 New International Version (NIV)

14 I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. 15 My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. 16 They are not of the world, even as I am not of it.

This is why study of God's word is important.  No matter how many times you've read the Bible in a year or how long you've been going to church, you should know what the Word of God says for yourself.  Not only are there rich treasures to be discovered but there are profound truths that can't help but affect how we live.  

Matthew 22:36-4 New International Version (NIV)

36 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

So what does it all mean?  The world just wants something to be done.  So what can I do?   What should I do?  It all depends on what you think love is.

This is a heavy question and it is very easy to tell ourselves that nothing can be done, so why bother.  Don't do that.  Take a breath and think about this with me.  God only asks us to do nothing under one circumstance.  When we are being persecuted for His sake.  This has taken some serious time in prayer, some serious time in the Word and some very terrifying steps outside of my comfort zone.  We can and should do nothing when being persecuted because how we have lived out God's Word will speak for us. 1 Peter 2: 11-25 has a whole lot to say and I strongly urge you to look it up and read it for yourself but I'm going to pull out one verse.

1 Peter 2: 12

 Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us.

Did you catch that? Good lives...good deeds.  We aren't saved by works, it says so in Eph 2:9, but we are still called to bear fruit.  To be a witness.  To make disciples.  Our lives are supposed to be living testimony.

When I was young, and going to Christian camps, we were often asked; if Christians were ever being brought before the courts for being Christian's, would there be enough evidence to convict you?  That question hasn't rung in my soul for many years but it is now.  

Our place in this world is one of action.  Love, kindness and humility; be, go, do, make...our words are action words.  

James 1:22 NIV

22 Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.

I hope you will consider thinking through these questions with me.  What should you be "do"ing?  What does love look like?  What speaks louder, sharing your opinions on social media or putting love into action?  How does your life look to the outside world?  Does it look any different than the world?  Have you cloistered yourself away from the world?  Think it through, ask God and then wait to see what He says.  I'm not asking these questions to convict or accuse.  I'm asking them of you and of me as a litmus test.  As an opening for God to enter in and start a dialog.  To give us all a chance to do some spring cleaning in our hearts, minds and souls.  

 

Linkups this week:

#dancewithjesus

Exquisite Terror

I have never been a roller coaster person. As you can see below, my response is a bit different than the average joe. My goal during any ride is to feel nothing. To keep my body under tight control. To stop any thrill or terror from taking over.

I had a babysitter show me Poltergeist when I was about 3. That incident shaped me. I don't watch horror movies. I did not like how that movie made me feel. In the same way, I don't like amusement parks. My entire purpose in participating in any kind of thrill ride is to turn off my emotional response to the stimuli. If that doesn't sound fun, you would be correct. I do not understand the desire to terrify yourself. I know that people enjoy the thrill of fooling their body into thinking it's going to die, but I do not. I didn't ever want to lose control. You can see how that might be a problem.

The Christian life is a study in the giving up of the illusion of control in favor of recognizing the Creator of the Universe as the only one who holds the reigns. A part of that lesson is the assurance that we don't have to be afraid to not be in control. For those who love thrill rides, this is something they willingly practice in the safe confines of fear theater. They know there are safety measures in place (belts, bars, rails and electronics) to keep them safe but they suspend their disbelief for just a moment so they can experience the exquisite thrill of fear.

I'm not sure how it happened but I got the idea in my head that when God told us to "fear not" (Is 43:1; Deut 31:8; and many more) that had something to do with my ability to control my fear. My entire life has been shaped by the desire to control my responses and reactions. It is a natural response for my personality and my woundings. It has become so pervasive that I view any kind of shock with an overwhelming control response. But God never asked me to control my fear. He asked me to trust Him. He asked me to set aside my certainty, my trust in my own wisdom, in favor of His.

God has given me a direction this year that is both exciting and terrifying. My life is on the cusp and I know that any moment now the ride is going to drop out from under me and hurtle out of my control. I am having to remind myself often to relax and enjoy the ride. When the ride does reach the tipping point, I may have to close my eyes and wrap my arms around my God, but I think that's part of what He's trying to teach me. God never intended for us to cut off our fear response, even if that was possible this side of heaven. We would be more likely to run into danger without Him if that was the case. He wants us to learn to trust Him, to be aware of His presence with us. Not to let fear stop us from doing what He has asked us to step into. So I'm learning to live in this state of exquisite terror. To be hyper aware of every moment this ride is ratcheting up the hill. To be open to learn. It won't last forever, no ride does. If you hear screaming, I swear it isn't me.