Step Two - Doubts and setbacks

What a month this has been so far...

I started a ton of new habits, started writing a book for NaNoWriMo, registered to go back to school, and started all the tests and forms to do so.  All while my house was being remodeled, my murder mystery dinner party was being scheduled and my calendar filled up.  

In the midst of a bulging schedule, imminent deadlines and uncomfortable environments, I started to fail.  

I couldn't figure out how to get class information so I could build my class schedule for the Spring semester.  I also couldn't figure out how to find the requirements, syllabus or what supplies were expected.

I failed to pass the placement test the first time.  Failure meant I couldn't sign up for the class I wanted to round out my Spring semester with.

I was being pulled to make decisions about prolems with the remodel that weren't my fault but were definitly my problem now. 

I was also seeing all the work it was going to take to get my home to it's new, settled, state. 

In the midst of this storm of hurdles, learning and failures, I heard my doubts loud and clear.

    Things are just going to get harder

                    You're just going to give up again

    You aren't even good enough at the one thing you were sure you're good at

                You're motives for starting this are problematic

        What if you end up not even liking writing after this

    This is going to cost your family so much money and your spouse doessn't really want you to do this

           Your spouse knows you can't do this, that's why he doesn't want you wasting money

    You are going to fail and be worse off

The good news is I entered this season knowing it would be a season of learning, and that learning is hard.  It takes time to forge connections and commit new information to memory.  It takes failure.  It can be uncomfortable, embarassing and disheartening to fail but you often learn more from failure than success. Dispite my natual desire to be good at what I try the first time, that's unlikely and sometimes counter productive.  

Being a student my age is going to have challenges.  Not only is the school experience not designed for me, but my own brain might actively be working against me in some ways.   I'm going to have to work hard to set aside the grumpy, stubborn part of myself that doesn't want to do things other peoples way.  I'm going to have to actively set my pride aside.  I'm going to have to work at learning things I don't think apply to me.  

I've already been fighting my doubts and having to defend my decisions to friends and loved ones who think it's silly to start this endevor.  I'm going to have to take every opportunity to remind myself I'm trying to learn.  I'm commited to the attempt without judging the worthiness of my motivations.  

So here's to improvement, progress and growth.  As long as I'm teachable, I can't fail to learn something.