Let me back up for a second. My friend Pam and I have been doing a Bible Study together on Wednesdays for a while now. God has really been using them to speak to both of us. That week, one of the questions asked what our soul was hungry and thirsty for. The study is about modern day idols and the question was meant to remind us that God meets our needs. I had a few things I put on that list but the very first one is adventure. If you had asked me that question when I was a teenager my answer would have been the same. Belle was my role model in a lot of ways. Strangely enough, when I thought about it, I had never come before the Lord with that hunger. Even now I get a thrill of terror presenting it to Him. It's not because I'm afraid He'll tell me it's a wrong desire. It's because I'm afraid He might actually give it to me.
I've avoided asking God for a lot of big things. There have been a couple of memories that have stuck with me and shaped what I was and was not willing to ask God for. When I was in college we had mandatory chapel. One of the guest speakers told a story that I will paraphrase for you. Someone asked God to give them humility and so they split their pants on the way up to speak in front of a large crowd and were thoroughly humiliated. I think it was meant to be a joke to loosen up the audience but that is all I remember of what that speaker said. Despite the fact I struggle with pride, I have been loath to ask God for humility because of that story.
I know that my idea of adventure is an idealized, romanticized version. I know for sure that God's idea of adventure is different than mine. His thoughts are higher than my thoughts after all. But God has been working on softening up my heart and helping me to build trust and asking Him for something that is a long term hunger of my soul is only good and right because pursuing other things to fill that need are idols plain and simple.
So I thought it was important to put a date on this important occasion so that everything that happens next will be viewed in light of the fact that I asked for it.
Don't worry, I'm not injured. It was a crime scene reenactment for teaching purposes. (Thanks Mark for the pic and the amazing makeup. I totally freaked people out! It was awesome)
I'm writing this today because two big things have happened since that prayer and it just occurred to me that I need to view them in light of a prayer for something big. I was asked to help on a project that I ...well, I can't talk about it but the timing and nature of the request is terrifying and miraculous. I remember being told that if we feel like life has us a little bit out of control it might be the perfect position to be in because that might mean God is in control and we need to stop trying to take the wheel back. That's what this feels like. My insecurities and fears keep trying to jump up and get my attention and they're just not sticking because I am going to live this next step in my life as if I'm following God's will and have nothing to fear, because I am!
The second thing that has happened are some profound questions about my purpose. God is literally clearing the way for something in my life. Without kids or career, am I serving the Lord with everything I have? Those questions have prompted some dreams I had back-burnered as ridiculous. I'm going to give it a shot and, succeed or fail, I'm going to try and glorify the Lord to the best of my ability and that will never be a waste.
