Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop

A while ago, I asked God for adventure, you can read about that here.  It's been a central focus, a hub if you will, upon which God has me spinning right now.  He's teaching me great and wondrous things but ultimately He is answering my prayer.  Typing that brings me to tears, and if you clicked over to the link you'll know why.  God is not only answering my prayer, He is giving above and beyond what I could have imagined.  This morning as I was praising Him for the abundance, a thought popped into my head.

"Don't get to excited about the adventure or God will take it away."

It's a thought I recognized immediately from my childhood.  I was a depressed child.  I didn't interact well with my peers and and I was an overly dramatic person (I still am).  I felt sure I was the only one trying to follow the rules and was constantly being punished for it.  In reality I was insufferable and God had to do some serious humbling of my prideful spirit but, as we often do, I missed the point of the lessons.  It made me feel like God was out to get me along with everyone else.  It put me in a mental state where I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  

 I have told you before I used to raise sheep for 4-H.  Man I loved that time.  I still miss having sheep.  I enjoyed being a shepherd and I loved what I learned about life and God during and after that experience.

But like most extracurricular activities during childhood, 4-H was meant to teach responsibility and the benefits of effort.  It teaches how to deal with loss, disappointment and the unexpected.  My first year I was so upset when I didn't win my parents threatened to put a kibosh on the whole endeavor.  I learned and I got better but I have to tell you something about myself that may shock some of you....  I'm a pessimist.  During my teenage years it was so much worse...I was a fatalist.  

There wasn't a specific moment, a singular tragedy, that brought on this struggle.  There were many.

I didn't like losing and I lost a lot. I didn't interact well with people my age and so I was friendless most of the time.  During my time in 4-H I lost a ewe to a pit bull attack, had 2 of my puppies die, and lost 5 sheep in the matter of a month due to a single accident.  

I loved my sheep a lot.  I considered them my only friends.  I thought they were the only ones who understood me and listened.  I finally felt like I was doing something good and that I had purpose.  When I lost Lindsey to a neighbors pit bull I was just starting to build my flock. I had two ewes I was proud of that would be bred for the first time and I was stoked.  I had a plan.  The loss of my ewe built a framework in my mind that boxed me into some very uncomfortable assumptions. 

• God punishes 

and

• God sometimes takes away anything that I love more than Him  

But wait, you say, those are both true.  Yes, but my assumptions weren't.  I assumed that meant I couldn't love or enjoy anything.  It painted a lightening bolt wielding God in my young mind and so I tried very hard not to love things.  Any good thing that came my way couldn't be enjoyed because eventually God would take it away.  I assumed "fear of the Lord" meant I needed to be a drudging slave who shouldn't think or question too much because God would know and punish me.  It gave me an excuse for fatalism and staying in my depressed state.  

Have you created a mental picture of God based on assumptions?  

I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop until I learned, over time, the depth of love God has for me.  Getting an unbalanced view of God is always dangerous.  God isn't all love or all justice.  He is all love AND all justice.  He is holy AND good.  I have no idea why the thought from my past popped into my head while I was praising Him this morning.  I thought I had learned better than that, and I have.  Our enemy isn't shy about using an oldy but goody.  For the first time in my life I am all in on this amazing adventure God has orchestrated for my life.  Good and bad, I get to make the choice to face it with joy and confidence.  That, that is right where God wants me and the exact opposite of what the enemy wants.  God's intention for me to live the abundant life He wants for me requires open hands for Him to give and take.  The balance of my understanding of God as a holy and righteous judge and a loving and good father is in the belief that God intends all of it for my good.   

What does the balance of your understanding of God hinge on?  What does the enemy use to try and unbalance you?  

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