Social media fighting

What I do for the several organizations that I minion for is online social media.  One of the unfortunate side effects of this fact is that no matter how much I wish I could walk away from social media...I can't.

I stay out of most of the hot button issues like politics and whatever is making people upset like starbucks cups because I know people on both sides of the issue.  Anything I said would most likely offend someone and I believe the Bible is very clear on avoiding offense if it can be helped.  Plus, for the most part, it doesn't matter.  Who cares what Starbucks puts on their cups or doesn't.  For everything else I follow Rom 12:18 and Matt 7:1.

This week has been harder for me to stay silent.  The mass shooting in Orlando has once again drawn out the voices of people who what to talk about guns, terrorism and anti-LGBT sentiment.  While I have opinions on those things, that is not what strains my desire to keep silent.

Since I have friends in the LGBT community and the Christian community I am seeing posts ... well to be honest I'm a little appauled and greatly saddened.

• My liberal (general category for brevety's sake not for labeling) friends are talking about the fake Christian sentiment of sympathy in contrast with the hatemongering they interpret the Christian lives showing in reality.  
• My Christian friends are talking about politics and terrorism.  Some of them expressed sympathy for Orlando.

Again, this is a generalization but still a large representative of what I'm seeing from my limited perspective online.  I find it disturbing in the extreme.  

I could go into a lengthy discourse on how I feel about a great many of the issues represented in that dichotomy but there are only two that I feel compelled to address.  

People are people.  Don't murder people.  

I am grieved to the core that so many people were murdered and injured.  It's not okay and it's not right.  I could care less who did it or why, apart from making sure they can't do it again.  Why in the world has the conversation become the two above points and not the heart wrenching, soul response to such a large loss of life?  Why have we, the Christian community, let our testimony become so tainted that people can't even believe we would be sympathetic?  

I am so sorry.  I'm sorry so many people are suffering.  I'm sorry.  I know people are angry and upset.  It's upsetting that so many people were killed and injured.  I know every individual is expressing that feeling in the way that is important to them.  I just pray that everyone else remembers that before they react.

2016 Costume plan

This years costume is another group plan with my brother.

If you've followed my costume blogs then you know we three attempt at least one group cosplay for ComicCon.  This year my brother will be a Ranger and my hubby and I will attempt Rita Repulsa and Lord Zedd.

It is always my custom to start out with a plan and since our schedule this year is making us start later than I like, the plan is going to be more outline and starting attempts right away.  People put hard work into these costumes but I haven't found a lot of good resources for step by step details on various parts of the costume. Maybe it's giving away information but since I am not a professional I don't mind sharing the steps I take.  Hopefully my trial and error will be helpful to people.

So...

My hubby is our 3D guy so he's taking on the modeling of the staffs and Lord Zedds ectoskeleton.  He will most likely Pepikura them again since it seems to be his go to.

My plan is to use the football pads I used for Apocalypse as the chest base for Rita.  This should have the added benefit of being a good base for the large collar.  The dress base is being made but the headpiece is going to be the challange.  I have three theories for how best to construct the piece.

1. start with a grey wig base that I can pin on my head for stability and then attach the hair points like anime ponytales.  This will allow me to keep it light and breathable while only needing structure for the points.  
2. make a wire frame covered with mached cheese cloth.  Make it more like a hat.
3. paper mache or Pepikura the base shape and just glue on the hair.  Again, more like a hat.

The bustle will be easy but take time.  My goal is always to make the best costume I can without spending $100's of dollars.  We'll see how we do this year!

For the first time I feel we have some great costumes to put back into rotation so this will probably be the only new costumes we make this year which leaves me less panicked about not starting earlier.  

I like big lists and I cannot lie

I've been trying to do things differently recently.  I struggle with some health issues and lately I've been having another battle with pain and fatigue.  Up until recently I've kind of tried to "give my body rest".  People have told me it's okay to rest when their body needs them too.  It's hard for a minion to give themselves permission to rest.  I've got things to do, I can't just be sitting around all day.  Plus, I've felt this pain and fatigue for a long time and resting doesn't seem to be doing anything.  Granted, I haven't been consistent is "resting".  I've tried a smattering of things.  Some supplements taken when I remember, some essential oils when I remember and sitting and occasionally reclining.  Inconsistency is a big problem.  I have a rabid work ethic when it comes to minioning but when it comes to my own health....I forget.  I forget to eat regularly, I forget to take necessary medicine, I forget supplements and then I can't muster energy to exercise.  It's been a problem I've tried to correct without success.  Unfortunately it's gotten worse recently.  I wake up in pain and with sever headaches.  I kept wondering if the excruciatingly expensive bed we got just so I could be comfortable or the ridiculously expensive pillow we got for the same purpose was defective.  Either way something is wrong.  I was staying in bed for more than 12 hours a day because I couldn't wake up or didn't feel rested and thought I just needed to be responsive to my body.  It didn't work.

So I'm trying something new.  I'm waking up earlier.  Instead of letting myself fall back asleep trying to capture that elusive wakefulness or rested feeling, I'm just going to accept that something is wrong but more sleep isn't going to fix it.  I need to get up and get my body moving.  This is for my mental health and my body health.  I need to accomplish something to contribute to our household.  Even if all I can handle for the day is filling the cats water.

I'm also trying to practice joy.  I have to keep reminding myself how important this is.  Joy is not happy and vice versa.  It's an intentional choice.  It's hard and it's important.

For a while now I've gathered my minion tasks because they are things I can do while I sit even if I feel so exhausted I can barely sit straight.  This isn't good.  Exhausted brain does not work very creatively or well.  I've been feeling like a failure because I'm not producing anything interesting so I delay, thinking I'll conjure something later.

By God's grace I have several friends who suffer from chronic illnesses of all sorts.

I know that sounds like a weird statement but let me explain.  Chronic illness is hard.  Very hard.  People expect you to get better and when you don't, they assume it's because you've done something wrong or you're just complaining for attention.  So, you stop talking about it.  It can be very lonely.  I wouldn't wish chronic illness on anyone but I've learn some very important lessons over the years because of wise people of God who suffer.

I am also blessed with a few people who understand and watch out for me when I don't watch out for myself.  It makes me feel incredibly loved.


A lot of people wonder why a loving God doesn't fix all the suffering in the world.  A lot of people wonder why bad things happen to good people.

I don't presume to know the mind of God but I do know one thing.  I need it.  I need the suffering to draw me close to Him.  To bring me to a place of reliance.  To give me sympathy, kindness and understanding for those who are suffering too.
I'm grateful for my friend Kimberly Rae who has and is suffering greatly and whom the Lord is using mightily.
I'm grateful for my other suffering friends nearby with whom I can share my burden and hopefully lighten their load as well.
If we have everything we need and/or want, we walk away from God.  We forget Him in the pursuit of our next want.

That's the long way around for the title of this blog.  All that is to say that, while I'm getting my spirit pointed back at my Savior, I know I need to try something new.  I need to figure out how to live with where I'm at.  So...

I've started a new list.  Not just a to do list, of which I have many, but an intentions list.  A goal list.

• I need to practice writing.  You lose what you don't practice and I want to improve my skills, not lose them.  If I was putting this on a to do list I'd say something like - I need to practice writing every day for 15 minutes.  This isn't a to do list.  
• I need to develop a deeper quiet time with the Lord
• I need a schedule to motivate forward momentum.  Something reasonable for my level of health.  A gradually improving schedule so I know I have done something with my day/life
• I need to establish a reasonable exercise routine.  I don't care if it's lame, I just need to be consistent.
• I need to accomplish to do list items.  I don't care if I'm exhausted.  I can do at least one thing a day from my to do list.

Back to Minioning

It's been a while since I've actually talked about my minioning.  To be fair, it's like asking someone how work is.  Most of the time it's fine.  You're just working, getting things done and continuing the daily grind.  The same is true for minions, or for the uninitiated, volunteers.  There is always something to do, projects to get done and a plethora of new ideas that could be implemented if you only had the time and resources.

What has changed for me, to my utter astonishment and trepidation, is I have gained a level of responsibility I wasn't anticipating.  I'm kind of a boss.
I do not mean boss in any colloquial way.  I mean I've entered management, in so far as an all volunteer organization can have levels.

For those people who know me, I am not what you would call management material.  Apart from being a goofball some of the time, I'm also a nose in the book, don't talk to me while I'm working, I'm not here to gossip/play/chat I'm here to work, kind of girl.

 

I am baffled by coworkers who are offended that I'm "not nice" to them.  (Yes this was an actual criticism on my annual review.)  It's part of the reason why I have loved my current minion duties, because I can do them alone without having to worry about offending people.  

Life is not, however, lived in a bubble.  I have needed help and the ministry directors have actively pursued getting me some.  I am grateful and terrified.  

I'm still trying to figure out  what my management style is.  It's always a challenge for volunteer coordination because you can't really expect anything.  You have to live in the constant assumption that people are and are not going to follow through.  

It has been challenging for me to take an honest look at myself, and my flaws, and act with faith, hope and kindness as I try and gently nudge deadlines and commitments from volunteers without taking the projects back with a huff and just doing them myself because that would be easier.  

I don't feel I'm succeeding at the whole management/leadership thing.  Management and volunteer challenges aside, I know why I feel this way.  

1. The whispers of the enemy already had a fine variety of insults and half truths on repeat in my head long before this.
2. In the absence of feedback my natural tendency is to assume failure.
3. I have not been clinging as closely to the Lord as I need to.

While the first two are true and are a dauntingly large part of why I feel what I feel, the third one is the only one that matters.  The Only One

I can't lead without the Shepherd leading me.  I can't proceed without my emotions coloring my actions unless I am snuggled so close to my Savior I can hear His heart.  

I fear this life is like Neverland.  We get caught up in fears, desires and the misguided certainty that what is important to us, is Important.  "Neverland makes you forget.  Never forget... to run home" To badly quote the movie Hook.  

So this week I am reorienting.  Facing my Savior and looking at Him.  Where my feet take me from there is less important than who I'm following.  

sorrow and grieving

Another friend is dying.  Soon I'll have another funeral to attend.  I've heard too many stories of people trying to say something, anything to express their sympathy and it comes across as trite, insensitive or empty.  I don't want to do that.  To speak foolishly and cause hurt.  I'm praying.  Praying for my friends, praying I help and not hurt, praying.

Blind man walking

I saw a blind man cross the street today.  I've seen such things before but today it struck me how brave you must become when you lose something most people take for granted.  He stepped off the sidewalk at the crosswalk with boldness and walked with unhitched step to the other side.

This struck me today because someone I love has chosen to withhold their love from me.  They are angry with me.  In their eyes, I have treated them with disrespect.

People get offended for all sorts of reasons.  That's not what this post is about.  This also isn't about guilt or who's right or wrong.  Ultimately it doesn't matter.  The result, in my case, is a loss of relationship with someone important to me.  With someone who's love most people take for granted.

Luckily, I've been praying about and for this person for some time.  God, in His mercy and love, has shielded my heart from most of the hurt.  I have several choices in how to act and respond.  Leave them be to give them space, act the same as I always have, go out of my way to show love.  All of these options have merit and downfalls.  All of them can, and probably will be, misinterpreted.  I can't change their heart or mind.  I will leave that in God's hands.  My job is to examine my own heart, test my motives and honor God...

and then step boldly into the crosswalk.

I had a dream

I woke this morning from an interesting dream.  There is no way I can paint the emotional backdrop of this dream appropriately.   There is also no way it will make sense in the way my heart experienced it.  That makes the dream sound profound and epic and perhaps sets the bar higher than I intend.
It was a pastoral scene.  Rolling hills, ponds and trees held a picnic and relay like competition.  I was on a team with my husband, Vince and Sarah.  I felt  the pressure in my chest that often accompanies the competitive spirit roaring to life.  (Even now the dream fades from my memory and so I can't remember all the tasks) The competition required running to stations and puzzle solving, just the kind of thing our group of four excels at.
The problem was this, I knew I was dying. I had tried to prepare my husband.  I had tried to prepare and plan so that they wouldn't have to worry about anything when I died.  I made sure to take all my clothes so that the sight of them wouldn't make him sad.
An attendant came during the last challenge and told me that the plane was ready to go.  I got the impression that everyone knew I was dying, even my team, and we just hoped to have enough time to finish the competition.  Someone had made arrangements for me to hitch a ride on a transport plane and it couldn't wait any longer so I had to leave my team.
Weirdness of the dream aside, as I got on the plane I had one burning motivation.  I needed to finish preparing for my death by cleaning and purging the house.  I needed to make sure that I would be seen and remembered with a clean house, free of care.  A workman approved.  A Proverbs 31 woman.
I woke with the certainty that I needed to clean the house.  Deeply, well and with diligence.    

Dreams are interesting indeed.

The truth is I should be living each day as if it were my last.  I should be cleaning my house as if I will have a guest any second and as if the greatest honor I could do my husband was to care for his home with perfection.  I don't know if the first day of spring mixed with my guilt and was nudged by Biblical principles to send me a dream that would motivate me to action but spring clean fever has well and truly struck.