Too tired to fight

A friend of mine has been going through a lot recently.  A serious, dark time of attack from multiple angles in her life.  She is a beautiful daughter of God and she is handling all of the attacks to her family with grace.  Today, after updating me on the latest offenses, I complimented her on how she is handling all of hard things in her life right now.  Her response was "What you see on social media are only moments of light."

That response spoke volumes to me.  I knew that she was saying that she feels defeated and tired.  She feels like she is barely surviving.  Those moments where she was sharing with the world her beautiful God weren't an accurate reflection of the battle she's in.  They felt like desperate gasps of air in between terrifying moments under water.  I totally get that.  I've definitely felt that in my own life.  That feeling of failing, of drowning or of desperation.  I know she heard my compliment and thought to herself, 'that's nice of you to say but I'm actually struggling'.

I could see it on her face and I could hear the echo of it in my own soul.

This isn't grace, this is exhaustion.

In the midst of struggle we can only think about the next breath or the next slogging step.  Out of sheer desperation we cling to the hope we know is true.  God is walking with us through it all.  We can do this.
There's no oomph behind that thought, just the sheer desperate belief you cling too when you have nothing left.

Here's the beautiful part of what I discovered today.

I discovered what that beautiful struggle looks like from the outside.

She was exhausted, spent and wrung out by her life in that moment and still she shone with the incomparable light of God to me.  As human beings we watch, admire and celebrate struggle.  Sports contests, herculean efforts and firm belief against the odds are the stuff of literal legend.  It transcends age or ability.  Watching someone strive with all of their heart, soul and mind for something pricks our hearts and carries us along in their wake.  What makes us cheer for the underdog?  That hope that if we believe and try, we'll succeed too.  As I was testing that thought in my own heart I went back and looked at images of people giving their all and people who were utterly spent after their effort.  I not only saw an exquisite beauty in those moments, I felt them calling to me.  It stirred me, to be sure, but it also gave me pause.  No matter what the final outcome of the effort was, I saw in their faces the despair of fighting off the doubt that they couldn't give any more.  They weren't thinking about all of the good things that were happening around them, they were consumed with the task at hand and the mental and physical strength it took to endure to the end.  And yet, for the spectator, it is glorious.  It is cause for cheer, shouting, zeal and celebration.  Sure, sometimes we get caught up in the competition of it all and a seeming loss can push the wind from our crys, but if you're paying attention to the one giving the effort, their faces are still shining for a moment before defeat settles on them.  The effort, the attempt, was important.  It was valuable.  It was beautiful. 

This is as true of our spiritual journeys as it is of our physical. 
When Jesus was asked what the most important commandment was ...

And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  Mt 22:37 ESV

That kind of effort requires you dig deep into reserves of strength you never knew you had.  It requires focus and belief that spending all you have will not leave you destitute, but richer.  The kind of effort that thins you out and shows what is underneath.  The strength and beauty of this amazing woman of God could not be more evident because her imperfect vessel, being battered and abused (showing every crack, every chink in her armor), was shining forth the glory of God underneath.

"Our unimpressiveness accentuates God's inestimable impressiveness." 

-Beth Moore, The Quest

2 Corinthians 4:6-7 English Standard Version (ESV) 

For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.  But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.

While our times in the heat of battle are good for instruction and growth in our own lives, it's not always about us.  What God is doing in and through our struggles is often for the instruction, edification and evangelism of the rest of the world.

This isn't something we want to hear when we're in the midst of a fiery furnace but perhaps it will help you bear up a little better.  All the questions of "why is this happening?" and "when will it be over?" can be painful, especially when they seem unanswered, but our struggle under heavy burdens or impossible odds are always about God's name being glorified.  Why did Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego get thrown in the fiery furnace?  While I'm sure they got some serious benefits out of face time with a heavenly being, that wasn't the focus of the story. Nebuchadnezzar was.

This race we are running is a spectator sport.  We will be seen.  Just don't forget that when you are feeling your most broken, exhausted and spent is exactly when what's inside is best seen.  So don't compare your jar of clay to someone else's.  The jar, and it's state of brokenness, isn't the point of focus.  It's what's inside that should be shining out and that is what is beautiful, awe inspiring and glorious.

     

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