Exquisite Terror

I have never been a roller coaster person. As you can see below, my response is a bit different than the average joe. My goal during any ride is to feel nothing. To keep my body under tight control. To stop any thrill or terror from taking over.

I had a babysitter show me Poltergeist when I was about 3. That incident shaped me. I don't watch horror movies. I did not like how that movie made me feel. In the same way, I don't like amusement parks. My entire purpose in participating in any kind of thrill ride is to turn off my emotional response to the stimuli. If that doesn't sound fun, you would be correct. I do not understand the desire to terrify yourself. I know that people enjoy the thrill of fooling their body into thinking it's going to die, but I do not. I didn't ever want to lose control. You can see how that might be a problem.

The Christian life is a study in the giving up of the illusion of control in favor of recognizing the Creator of the Universe as the only one who holds the reigns. A part of that lesson is the assurance that we don't have to be afraid to not be in control. For those who love thrill rides, this is something they willingly practice in the safe confines of fear theater. They know there are safety measures in place (belts, bars, rails and electronics) to keep them safe but they suspend their disbelief for just a moment so they can experience the exquisite thrill of fear.

I'm not sure how it happened but I got the idea in my head that when God told us to "fear not" (Is 43:1; Deut 31:8; and many more) that had something to do with my ability to control my fear. My entire life has been shaped by the desire to control my responses and reactions. It is a natural response for my personality and my woundings. It has become so pervasive that I view any kind of shock with an overwhelming control response. But God never asked me to control my fear. He asked me to trust Him. He asked me to set aside my certainty, my trust in my own wisdom, in favor of His.

God has given me a direction this year that is both exciting and terrifying. My life is on the cusp and I know that any moment now the ride is going to drop out from under me and hurtle out of my control. I am having to remind myself often to relax and enjoy the ride. When the ride does reach the tipping point, I may have to close my eyes and wrap my arms around my God, but I think that's part of what He's trying to teach me. God never intended for us to cut off our fear response, even if that was possible this side of heaven. We would be more likely to run into danger without Him if that was the case. He wants us to learn to trust Him, to be aware of His presence with us. Not to let fear stop us from doing what He has asked us to step into. So I'm learning to live in this state of exquisite terror. To be hyper aware of every moment this ride is ratcheting up the hill. To be open to learn. It won't last forever, no ride does. If you hear screaming, I swear it isn't me.