Step Two - Doubts and setbacks

What a month this has been so far...

I started a ton of new habits, started writing a book for NaNoWriMo, registered to go back to school, and started all the tests and forms to do so.  All while my house was being remodeled, my murder mystery dinner party was being scheduled and my calendar filled up.  

In the midst of a bulging schedule, imminent deadlines and uncomfortable environments, I started to fail.  

I couldn't figure out how to get class information so I could build my class schedule for the Spring semester.  I also couldn't figure out how to find the requirements, syllabus or what supplies were expected.

I failed to pass the placement test the first time.  Failure meant I couldn't sign up for the class I wanted to round out my Spring semester with.

I was being pulled to make decisions about prolems with the remodel that weren't my fault but were definitly my problem now. 

I was also seeing all the work it was going to take to get my home to it's new, settled, state. 

In the midst of this storm of hurdles, learning and failures, I heard my doubts loud and clear.

    Things are just going to get harder

                    You're just going to give up again

    You aren't even good enough at the one thing you were sure you're good at

                You're motives for starting this are problematic

        What if you end up not even liking writing after this

    This is going to cost your family so much money and your spouse doessn't really want you to do this

           Your spouse knows you can't do this, that's why he doesn't want you wasting money

    You are going to fail and be worse off

The good news is I entered this season knowing it would be a season of learning, and that learning is hard.  It takes time to forge connections and commit new information to memory.  It takes failure.  It can be uncomfortable, embarassing and disheartening to fail but you often learn more from failure than success. Dispite my natual desire to be good at what I try the first time, that's unlikely and sometimes counter productive.  

Being a student my age is going to have challenges.  Not only is the school experience not designed for me, but my own brain might actively be working against me in some ways.   I'm going to have to work hard to set aside the grumpy, stubborn part of myself that doesn't want to do things other peoples way.  I'm going to have to actively set my pride aside.  I'm going to have to work at learning things I don't think apply to me.  

I've already been fighting my doubts and having to defend my decisions to friends and loved ones who think it's silly to start this endevor.  I'm going to have to take every opportunity to remind myself I'm trying to learn.  I'm commited to the attempt without judging the worthiness of my motivations.  

So here's to improvement, progress and growth.  As long as I'm teachable, I can't fail to learn something.

NaNoWriMo & Step 1

If you are unfamilliar, November is National Novel Writing Month.  It's a challenge to write 50,000 words in the month of the November.  I have participated quite a few years but this year something has changed for me.  I'm actually trying.  

I know that probably sounds weird.  Why wasn't I always trying.  I was in a way.  I had an idea, I wrote words, I tweaked and edited, I circled back and read what I had written, life happened, and then I would set it down at the end of the month.  I always thought of writing as a hobby that I was clearly not good at because I hadn't writen a novel.

This year, I have decided I want to see if I have what it takes to be a writer but also pursue a job in the publishing industry.  I'm looking at going back to school or take some specific courses.  I'm looking into internships.  I'm working hard to set aside my internal editor and just write knowing that this first draft is going to be bad, or at least not as good as I want to make it.  I'm letting myself discover the world, story, character quirks and paradigms that are going to shape the message I want to tell.  I'm developing the habits I will need to draft, edit and revamp until I have writen the book I want to submit.

I'm also fighting the inevitable doubts.  Am I even capable of doing this?  If I'm not good at it, why bother?  Do I want to start a career at 47?  Is my brain still capable of learning?  I've quit every time before, how is now different?  

It's a journey.  As part of that journey I think it's important for me to document it.  To practice the art of writing, researching, and crafting a story.  

So, step 1:

• Sit down and write every day
• Take steps to learn the art and craft of writing

I'm excited.  I hope you'll come along on the adventure. Let's Go!