Step Three- Battle of the Brain

 I decided last fall to go back to school. I have a complicated past with college and decided it was time to head back to the hallowed halls of higher education and finish something I started back in 1995 (that's right, I was born in the 1900's). My first semester could not have been more ideal. I picked the perfect mix of classes to start my return journey and not only did I manage a 4.0, I met some incredible students and teachers, learned a lot, and got the opportunity to publish and present some of my work on a broader stage. 

I also managed to resurface some very overwhelming anxiety and doubts. Despite being an excellent student, I worry I'm going to fail. A nebulous concept that just spells doom, whatever that means. I'm working on combating those thoughts with logic and practical exercises like this blog, that help me demonstrate to myself that I'm working on the skills that I'm learning. It's a constant battle between what my anxiety, perfectionism, self doubt, self sabotage, and my future hopes are shouting in my brain and it can get exhausting. Fighting off the imbalance of feeling over logic has been one of my biggest failures this year. It's caused panic that wasn't neccesary considering the reality. It's a battle ground I will be fighting on for a long time.

An english focus has me reading a lot and focusing on reading critically. My teacher last semester mentioned that most students will graduate without having read a book and that blew my mind. How could that possibly be true? My normal reading goals are between 80 and 100 books a year. So I did some research and wrote a paper about the changing trends in literary reading. That's what I'm going to be focused on right now. Not only to prepare for upcoming semester requirements but also just as a pursuit of learning. I may not be able to spark other peoples passion for reading but I sure am going to put as much passion as I can into showing others how much I appreciate their work.

I'm not going to lie. The idea that no one reads what I write bothers me. I've tried marketing myself and doing the social push to get followers all in the hope that some, any, eyes would read my words and thoughts. Those hopes of a moderate legacy have only brought me sorrow. The frustrations of not being noticed, heard, or seen are not new. Everyone is trying to be seen and there's no competing with the glut of AI created content along with a world obsessed with going viral. With that in mind, I'm just going to write. I'm going to share my thoughts even if no one is reading. This is about practicing my craft. This is about doing what I enjoy. This is about striving for the sake of my betterment.  So if you happen to find this blog, welcome! I think I've written some pretty good stuff here. If no one ever finds this blog but me, that's okay. Welcome back JD. I know you reread these from time to time to revisit these moments and assure yourself that this is indeed a passion you have permission to pursue. Learn, grow, strive, assess, build in pauses, and give yourself permission to set aside the idea of perfection. 

Step Two - Doubts and setbacks

What a month this has been so far...

I started a ton of new habits, started writing a book for NaNoWriMo, registered to go back to school, and started all the tests and forms to do so.  All while my house was being remodeled, my murder mystery dinner party was being scheduled and my calendar filled up.  

In the midst of a bulging schedule, imminent deadlines and uncomfortable environments, I started to fail.  

I couldn't figure out how to get class information so I could build my class schedule for the Spring semester.  I also couldn't figure out how to find the requirements, syllabus or what supplies were expected.

I failed to pass the placement test the first time.  Failure meant I couldn't sign up for the class I wanted to round out my Spring semester with.

I was being pulled to make decisions about prolems with the remodel that weren't my fault but were definitly my problem now. 

I was also seeing all the work it was going to take to get my home to it's new, settled, state. 

In the midst of this storm of hurdles, learning and failures, I heard my doubts loud and clear.

    Things are just going to get harder

                    You're just going to give up again

    You aren't even good enough at the one thing you were sure you're good at

                You're motives for starting this are problematic

        What if you end up not even liking writing after this

    This is going to cost your family so much money and your spouse doesn't really want you to do this

           Your spouse knows you can't do this, that's why he doesn't want you wasting money

    You are going to fail and be worse off

The good news is I entered this season knowing it would be a season of learning, and that learning is hard.  It takes time to forge connections and commit new information to memory.  It takes failure.  It can be uncomfortable, embarassing and disheartening to fail but you often learn more from failure than success. Dispite my natual desire to be good at what I try the first time, that's unlikely and sometimes counter productive.  

Being a student my age is going to have challenges.  Not only is the school experience not designed for me, but my own brain might actively be working against me in some ways.   I'm going to have to work hard to set aside the grumpy, stubborn part of myself that doesn't want to do things other peoples way.  I'm going to have to actively set my pride aside.  I'm going to have to work at learning things I don't think apply to me.  

I've already been fighting my doubts and having to defend my decisions to friends and loved ones who think it's silly to start this endevor.  I'm going to have to take every opportunity to remind myself I'm trying to learn.  I'm commited to the attempt without judging the worthiness of my motivations.  

So here's to improvement, progress and growth.  As long as I'm teachable, I can't fail to learn something.