Here are a list of things my body and I not communicating has done over the years:
- Shaking uncontrollably in fear while my mind is perfectly calm.
- Arranging my facial features to look upset or angry or snobbish when no emotion of the sort is happening in my mind
- Arranging my facial features to reflect EXACTLY how angry or upset I am so the bullies know how I'm feeling and can delight in a job well done.
- Causing stress reactions and health failures when I think I'm doing a great job of letting things go.
It's very frustrating to know that part of the pain and discomfort my body is experiencing is probably a stress reaction and I don't feel stressed at all. I have no idea how to fix that. How do you convince your body you're not stressed when you're mind has thought so all along. I don't know the answer to that. I also know some of what's going on means something and I'm frightened and frustrated. I know some of what I'm experiencing is an escalation of problems I have asked the doctors to fix or figure out and they have forgotten or ignored it. I have been draining from my nose for 8 years now and, low and behold, its eroded my gag reflex so now I have to force myself not to vomit when I cough or get a tickle in my throat. I have to avoid certain foods and have ginger on hand constantly. Ah, but I'm complaining again.
I've been thinking about blogs and journals and the like. I know that "successful" blogs have a set theme and they teach or share something about that theme when they write. If I was less of a minion, I'm sure this blog could be full of those things. But I'm a servant. I am compelled to help. No matter how busy I get or how full my schedule is or how much I complain...this is my purpose. It's my happiness and fulfillment. It's not all my happiness. I also like being useful, to be heard, to have my opinions and ideas seen with value and I LOVE finding things. So here's my tiny bit of advice for today. Serving isn't easy. It takes deliberate, intentional thought. First you have to believe it's valuable and then you have to be willing to act. Life gets in the way, just like it does for most things you want to do. So when you have the choice of doing something pleasant for you or something pleasant for someone else, our natural inclination is self. That's fallen humanity. It's "normal" So I call you to be abnormal. Challenge your thinking. I know I'm selfish. I'm aware of my fallen state. My challenges are unique and the same as everyone else's and I struggle against my flesh. It's a struggle I will not fully win until I'm with my Savior. That doesn't mean I give up, it just means God is teaching me better skills in spiritual combat. I'm not even close to being a prayer ninja or a spiritual warrior but I am a soldier and I'll work at improving with every fight.
My husband has had a superhero identity for years. Captain Oblivious even has several super powers. He has a mighty sneeze that frightens friend and foe alike and he can stick just about anything to his forehead. We settled on my superhero name this week. I am Madam Astute! My super powers are finding things and observing things. TOGETHER WE ARE C.O.M.A! This has caused us no end of delight this week.
and yes, I just took time to make a very lame jpeg
I know a tiny bit of what you are talking about; they said the heartburn that I was struggling with isn't really heartburn, it's a stress reaction. That's great, but that doesn't mean I can mentally convince it to go away. Our bodies really are weak and do betray us. And I know what you mean; I have to try to feed the right dog and realize that time spent serving counts for more eternally (if done with the right attitude!) than time spent on myself. You're still Ariana to me, though.
ReplyDelete