Tuesday, July 22, 2014

My made up life

This year we had to make the difficult decision to stop pursuing an adoption from China. In our minds, this has pretty much ended our pursuit for children all together. Unless God drops a child in our lap, we're done trying to make it happen. This has been very emotional, as you might imagine. I brush past the 14 years we planned and prayed.  Sometimes its easier just to say it quick and without flourish.  The truth is I didn't want to tempt myself into a Sarai move.  I knew the only way to keep myself from trying to take control and make it happen was to give it up.  Giving up is hard to mesh with belief.  Near impossible.  I have doubted that we heard from the Lord.  I've questioned everything I thought and believed all those years.  But like most things we long for for a long time, the loss can be a gift if we let it.  
We have had a name picked out for our little girl for close to 7 years.  
Isabel Lynn. 
Isn't that a lovely name. It's the middle names of both John and I's mothers. To take the sting off the loss of what I'm sure would have been a beautiful little girl, I've created a little imaginary family. Lets face it. Everyone my age has children and its the focus of their lives as it should be. School, adorable outfits, messes, the cute things they say. 
So I had a second imaginary little girl. 
Amanda Belle. 
It's the perfect name for our second imaginary child.
Just recently I had my third imaginary child. Our first boy. 
Wesley Liam. 
My mom and I have had a fake argument about what I name my son. I have always wanted to name him Daniel but she said we have too many and I couldn't name him that. I'm pleased with the compromise. They're the perfect names for my children. 
That's my imaginary family.  Isabel is a spunky kid, Amanda a quiet reader and poor Wesley just has too many strong females in the house.  He'll find his way.

It's a silly little dream.  The kind of thing a mother hopes for.  I won't ever have to come to grips with the disillusion of what I hope for my children verses what they become because they are their own person and will eventually decide who they really want to be.

The dream is insubstantial, as dreams are.  It doesn't fill the hole.  It never will.  But I keep coming back and gazing at these names.  Not often, but I do.  I have no idea what they look like because what they look like doesn't matter one jot to me.  All I have are three beautiful names.