My Resurrection

After last weeks emotional blog I felt it was time to share my story with you all.  It's a fitting week for me to do so too because this is the story of how my heart died and was brought back to life. 

I met my husband at my very first theater audition.  I was depressed at the time and just wanted to feel useful, like something was going right in my life.  God drew me to this audition for many reasons, there is no doubt.  When I walked up to the building the first person I saw was a handsome young man sitting outside.  I thought, "this guy is cute"!  so I went inside, sang my little song and was then told to go to the back dance studio to practice a group waltz as the final portion of the audition.  I didn't know anyone and while everyone paired up because they all knew each other, I stood there.  I stood there until I noticed that same cute guy shyly not pairing up with anyone either.  It looked like he wasn't pairing up with anyone else on purpose just so I didn't have to be alone.  This had never happened to me before.  I had never really dated anyone and certainly no one thought I was attractive enough to flirt with.  It must be a mistake.  He was just being nice because he knew I was new.  I was cast in the chorus but as rehearsals progressed I proved myself, and as others dropped out of the show or failed to show up to rehearsals, I was slowly but surely bumped up the cast list.  I made friends and felt like I belonged for the first time in my life.  There was only one problem.  That cute guy turned out to be the BIGGEST dork ever!!!  He kept hanging out with the people I was hanging out with but I was never going to consider dating him.  Nope.  By the time the show opened I had made it all the way to supporting lead and that dorky guy and I were cast as husband and wife.  Little did I know that his mother, the pianist, and our director were plotting almost from the beginning to get us together.  By the time I decided that he was a safe guy to practice dating, because I hadn't really done it before, we had an interesting kerfuffle which I will save for valentines some year. 

We were married amidst layoffs and terrible jobs.  We planned our wedding on a budget on our own because we were going to be our own dorks and tradition couldn't hold us.  My parents were quite upset with us for a while.  My hubby was laid off before the wedding and was scheduled to start a new job right when we got back from our honeymoon.  Jobs in the tech industry were struggling at the time.  A lot of people were out of work and struggling to find and keep jobs so we were really grateful to not be in debt because of the wedding and to have God timing on my hubby getting a new job. 

Here's where things get....hard.  Two weeks after we got back from our honeymoon I was hospitalized with a blood clot from my groin to my ankle.  I didn't know it at the time but God performed many miracles for us during that time.  The first was that my hubby's new job allowed him to get on the insurance plan as soon as he started.  At the time it was customary to make a new employee wait until the next signup period or at least 6 months.  This unusual circumstance no doubt saved us from a lifetime of woe.  Preexisting conditions are no joke and insurance doesn't like covering people they know are sick.  They aren't allowed to discriminate if you have insurance and get sick but they certainly have a choice if you were sick before you were covered or if you have any lapse in coverage.  Getting sick on insurance has saved us a great deal of money and heartache and I know God did that for us.  The second miracle is that I lived.  I waited 3 days to go to the hospital because I thought I just had a charlie horse.  I was in so much pain.  While I was in the hospital, part of the blood clot broke off and went through my brain (which is how you get a stroke) and my heart (which can cause a heart attack) and ended up in my lungs.  I was told I had a genetic, hereditary blood disorder.  This meant I would be on blood thinners for the rest of my life.  It would be extremely dangerous to attempt to have children.

This is not what a newlywed wants to hear.  I knew my hubby wanted to wait at least five years to have kids and since I had no strong feelings one way or the other, I had agreed that was fair.  Now we had to decide if we were ever having kids.  After another layoff, and a very long time of searching for a new job, we decided we needed to look outside of our home state for a job.  In our first year my husband was laid off twice, I found out I had an illness we would have to treat the rest of my life and we had to move away from all our family.  He was laid off many more times in those first few years, we lost his mother to cancer and we couldn't afford to visit her until it was too late because of another layoff.  While those first years were very hard, God used them to teach us how very good He is.  He brought money out of nowhere to pay bills that were due because were were faithful to tithe even when we had almost nothing.  He brought helpers to fix issues we had no idea how to deal with and had no money to pay someone to fix.  He provided a job interview while we were waiting for my mother-in-laws funeral.  A job he got and the job that brought us home. 

We didn't have all the information back then about therapies and making the attempt to have children with precautions but I'm not sure if it would have changed our decisions.  We decided to forgo having our own biological children. 

A visiting missionary to our church in Ohio talked about children in the orphanages of Europe that no one wanted because of their nationality.  I felt such a stirring in my heart.  I was convinced it was the Lord. I started to research adoption.  We...okay, that's not fair....I finally settled on China.  There was reportedly a large number of girls in the system because of the one child policy.  The rules for China required us to be married 5 years and be 30 years old.  My birthday, 2007, would meet everyone's requirements and I was so sure ...

...so utterly sure...

That God had arranged it all as a beautiful gift.

So I settled in to wait.  This is the part of the story that I tend to like to fast forward through and just give the highlights.  I started learning to speak Mandarin and my hubby started to learn to write it.  We started gathering the things we would need to submit and started early enough to plan to submit our packet on my birthday exactly.  The adoption process is not fun.  For anyone who hasn't been through it I will tell you my experience.  You are judged unfit by assumption.  You must be trained, evaluated and observed to prove that you are fit to be a parent.  That some how, your lack of ability or inclination to biologically reproduce means you lack the presumptive ability to parent.  Now I understand logically why all the classes, evaluations, paperwork, counseling, and monitoring should and do happen.  It doesn't negate the feeling of judgement no matter what kind of attitude you have about the process.  It's stressful and emotional.  Despite the stress and emotions, I was convinced this is what God was asking us to do.  Those moments of stress and tears were born with a sense of anticipation.  I knew God was doing this and I had waited on Him and nothing could defeat me!  As I waited for the last of the paperwork to be notarized and affirmed by two separate countries I was living in such a heightened state of excitement I'm surprised I didn't injure myself.  My passport came during this time and while I was traveling from the copy place to the post office to mail the copies, my passport disappeared.  To this day I have no idea where it could have gone.  I thought this was the end of the world.  Passports don't come overnight.  I had to report the passport missing and get a new one and then go through all the notarization and approval.  I knew that the adoption agency wouldn't translate and finalize the packets until everything was present and accounted for.  I also knew there was no way that it would happen by my birthday because of this one incident.  There was weeping and wailing.  What can I say, I told you I was very emotional.  I finally calmed down enough as I waited to remember that it wasn't that big a deal.  I had built my birthday up as some kind of mecca and I had to confess it and move on.  The new passport came and the paperwork avalanche had one last round to make but I sent it off with a resigned peace.  

...and God once again showed up...

The adoption agency had been translating our packet and it was sent on my birthday, 2007.

and I was convinced...

so utterly, joyously, elatedly convinced...

That God had arranged it all as a beautiful gift.

I thought it was the best birthday present I have ever gotten.  I had never felt like I had heard the voice of the Lord so clearly in my life.

I thought I had learned to wait in those first five years.  I had no idea what waiting was.  

My heart died a little every month after that.  The 6-8 months that were listed as the wait time when I first looked at China had become 9-12 months when I submitted my paperwork.  Her name was going to be Isabelle Lynn.  Isn't that beautiful?  Every month we waited, the wait time got a month longer.  I mean that literally.  In the beginning they would send reports each month, in a newsletter, that included the anticipated wait time.  Eventually they stopped putting a number because it was too depressing.  Waiting for a specific date is nothing compared to waiting for an unknown.  After years, we decided to try domestic adoption while we were waiting in line for a foreign one.  I wanted two kids and so this seemed like a good option.  After a very painful process, and a very large misunderstanding, we were denied.  

It's been over a decade since this time in my life.  I can tell you that I have cried so hard I made myself sick.  I prayed so hard I made myself sick.  We waited.  We waited years.  I can tell you from personal experience that

Proverbs 13:12a New International Version (NIV)

12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick,       

That anticipation turned into bitterness.  The surety that God had arranged a beautiful gift turned into a doubt.  Little by little my heart hardened so I wouldn't feel the pain anymore.  I convinced myself it was the only way to stop myself from sinning.  God is good, God is just, God is sovereign.  So I bundled up my questions and doubt and locked them behind a stone.  Many years later we finally gave up waiting.

Life continues through pain.  I cried on occasion after that.  Whenever strangers asked me how many kids I had.  When loved ones ask why we don't try again.  When friends jokingly "offered" to give us one of their children.  Every tear was dried quickly and walked away from.  There was nothing I could do about it.  Nothing I could do to change it, so why dwell.  Each poke at my stony heart got easier to deal with. 

I know this is a long set up.  I wanted you to see that I thought I was doing what God asked me to do.  When I failed at the adoption I thought I was doing the right thing by casting aside my hurt and living in the belief that God was sovereign and I must not have heard Him.  For years after that I lived in a void.  I didn't hear from the Lord at all.  I didn't feel His presence.  I thought I was being punished.  I examined myself for sin but didn't feel convicted about anything.  I cried out to the Lord and heard nothing. 

A few years ago while I was studying scripture God, in His great mercy, showed me something.

Ezekiel 36:26 New International Version (NIV)

26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.

I wasn't hearing from the Lord because I had hardened my heart.  I had closed myself off so I wouldn't feel the pain but I forgot that would mean that I couldn't feel love either.  This past year has been all about exchanging my heart of stone with the full knowledge that it would bring some pain back with it.  Pain and questions and doubt and fear.  I'd happily endure all of those things to get the voice of my Savior back.  I can't live without Him.  So in this season of remembrance, anticipation and rejoicing, I celebrate the heart God resurrected in me.  I recognize my time in the grave that helped me get a little closer to understanding what Jesus did for me. I acknowledge Christ's sacrifice, sorrow and separation and hear the echo in my own heart.  A heart that was stone and is once again flesh.  I will celebrate with tears of joy on Sunday because Christ is alive and so am I!    

Have you hardened your heart to stop feeling some great pain or loss?  

Are you ready to give up your heart of stone?

Are you ready to delight once again in your Saviors presence even if it means you will share in His sufferings?

I hope you are, because there is no joy without Him.  
I quoted the first half of Prov 13:12 because I wasn't sure I could claim the second half.  "...But a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."  While I don't have children, the Lord has still fulfilled a longing.  I long to be close to Him.  That is something I know God will accomplish.  I will never have to doubt that God will do it.  I will never have to fear that I am wrong to pursue it.  

I hope you will have reason to celebrate your own resurrection.  Into new life, into a fleshier heart, into new hope...no matter what, to celebrate with our Savior as we celebrate our Savior.  I certainly will! 

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