So I'm trying something new. I'm waking up earlier. Instead of letting myself fall back asleep trying to capture that elusive wakefulness or rested feeling, I'm just going to accept that something is wrong but more sleep isn't going to fix it. I need to get up and get my body moving. This is for my mental health and my body health. I need to accomplish something to contribute to our household. Even if all I can handle for the day is filling the cats water.
I'm also trying to practice joy. I have to keep reminding myself how important this is. Joy is not happy and vice versa. It's an intentional choice. It's hard and it's important.
For a while now I've gathered my minion tasks because they are things I can do while I sit even if I feel so exhausted I can barely sit straight. This isn't good. Exhausted brain does not work very creatively or well. I've been feeling like a failure because I'm not producing anything interesting so I delay, thinking I'll conjure something later.
By God's grace I have several friends who suffer from chronic illnesses of all sorts.
I know that sounds like a weird statement but let me explain. Chronic illness is hard. Very hard. People expect you to get better and when you don't, they assume it's because you've done something wrong or you're just complaining for attention. So, you stop talking about it. It can be very lonely. I wouldn't wish chronic illness on anyone but I've learn some very important lessons over the years because of wise people of God who suffer.
I am also blessed with a few people who understand and watch out for me when I don't watch out for myself. It makes me feel incredibly loved.
A lot of people wonder why a loving God doesn't fix all the suffering in the world. A lot of people wonder why bad things happen to good people.
I don't presume to know the mind of God but I do know one thing. I need it. I need the suffering to draw me close to Him. To bring me to a place of reliance. To give me sympathy, kindness and understanding for those who are suffering too.
I'm grateful for my friend Kimberly Rae who has and is suffering greatly and whom the Lord is using mightily.
I'm grateful for my other suffering friends nearby with whom I can share my burden and hopefully lighten their load as well.
If we have everything we need and/or want, we walk away from God. We forget Him in the pursuit of our next want.
That's the long way around for the title of this blog. All that is to say that, while I'm getting my spirit pointed back at my Savior, I know I need to try something new. I need to figure out how to live with where I'm at. So...
I've started a new list. Not just a to do list, of which I have many, but an intentions list. A goal list.
- I need to practice writing. You lose what you don't practice and I want to improve my skills, not lose them. If I was putting this on a to do list I'd say something like - I need to practice writing every day for 15 minutes. This isn't a to do list.
- I need to develop a deeper quiet time with the Lord
- I need a schedule to motivate forward momentum. Something reasonable for my level of health. A gradually improving schedule so I know I have done something with my day/life
- I need to establish a reasonable exercise routine. I don't care if it's lame, I just need to be consistent.
- I need to accomplish to do list items. I don't care if I'm exhausted. I can do at least one thing a day from my to do list.