What has changed for me, to my utter astonishment and trepidation, is I have gained a level of responsibility I wasn't anticipating. I'm kind of a boss.
I do not mean boss in any colloquial way. I mean I've entered management, in so far as an all volunteer organization can have levels.
For those people who know me, I am not what you would call management material. Apart from being a goofball some of the time, I'm also a nose in the book, don't talk to me while I'm working, I'm not here to gossip/play/chat I'm here to work, kind of girl.
I am baffled by coworkers who are offended that I'm "not nice" to them. (Yes this was an actual criticism on my annual review.) It's part of the reason why I have loved my current minion duties, because I can do them alone without having to worry about offending people.
Life is not, however, lived in a bubble. I have needed help and the ministry directors have actively pursued getting me some. I am grateful and terrified.
I'm still trying to figure out what my management style is. It's always a challenge for volunteer coordination because you can't really expect anything. You have to live in the constant assumption that people are and are not going to follow through.
It has been challenging for me to take an honest look at myself, and my flaws, and act with faith, hope and kindness as I try and gently nudge deadlines and commitments from volunteers without taking the projects back with a huff and just doing them myself because that would be easier.
I don't feel I'm succeeding at the whole management/leadership thing. Management and volunteer challenges aside, I know why I feel this way.
- The whispers of the enemy already had a fine variety of insults and half truths on repeat in my head long before this.
- In the absence of feedback my natural tendency is to assume failure.
- I have not been clinging as closely to the Lord as I need to.
While the first two are true and are a dauntingly large part of why I feel what I feel, the third one is the only one that matters. The Only One
I can't lead without the Shepherd leading me. I can't proceed without my emotions coloring my actions unless I am snuggled so close to my Savior I can hear His heart.
I fear this life is like Neverland. We get caught up in fears, desires and the misguided certainty that what is important to us, is Important. "Neverland makes you forget. Never forget... to run home" To badly quote the movie Hook.
So this week I am reorienting. Facing my Savior and looking at Him. Where my feet take me from there is less important than who I'm following.