The Fast is Over

For those of you that have been following along (Hi mom) I cut out technology six days a week and added in a noise fast for just over 40 days.  Why I decided to do this over NaNoWriMo I don't know.  I blame the fact that I didn't start it in November, it just lasted through November, so I forgot about national novel writing month until about a week before.  I've talked about why I entered into this fast but I thought I would share some of what I learned.

Fasting has been on the Christian radar for a while but the diet community has latched on to the idea as well, siting the benefits of intermittent fasting to give the body a break and reset your metabolism and supposedly give you more energy.

The principle has been a part of God's plan from the beginning.  During creation, God established a sabbath, when we would submit ourselves under God's sovereignty and rest.  Our minds and our bodies need these periods of rest. 

In a year where God has called me to rest, I was not terribly please to find God was asking me to give up more.  Resting is the worst, right!  I am so grateful my Patient Teacher hasn't given up.  We live in a world of indulgence.  Our culture is cluttered, over stimulated and impatient.  We don't even recognize how starved for silence we are.  Now that the fast is over I find myself longing for the simplicity of quiet time spent with my Savior.  Having the ability to distract myself doesn't mean that I should.  Having a long to do list doesn't mean I have to get them all done today.  Fasting reminds us that the priorities we have established aren't necessarily the right ones.  Taking a step back is a great way to reset. 

Reset your body, reset your mind.  What do you need a fast from?

Desire of my heart

At the beginning of this year I started on a journey of rest.  I'm not sure what I expected but I don't think that I could have expected that in the silence God would show me the true desires of my heart.  Nor could I have expected that the first one would be adventure.  In the midst of rest, to discover that my longing for adventure was given by God, has been a delight.  God wasn't done, as he never is in teaching us. and He recently revealed to me that the second big desire of my heart is to have purpose.  Why am I telling you this?  For most of my youth I was confused about what God meant by Psalm 34:7.

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Okay, when I say youth...I mean my middle age too.  I longed for adventure and purpose and might have pegged those as desires but I would have classified them as selfish or worldly.  It wouldn't have occurred to me that they were given to me by God and that He was how they would be met and fulfilled.  I focused on the first part of the verse and figured if I delighted myself in the Lord I would never lack.  While that has been true, I'm seeing it in a different light today.  I feel like God has given me new desires to fill my heart.  Not new in the sense that I've never felt their pull before but new like a clean pair of clothes.  I have been trying to fill those big two desires in my life  without God.  It has soiled and worn down those desires as I sought to fill those longings in ways other than God.  I feel like God has unwrapped my favorite childhood toy that I had ruined and now it's all shiny and new.  I know it's a little early to be opening Christmas presents but ... 

He has given me desires and they are indeed fulfilled as I delight in Him.

What Happens When I Rest

• A lot of inner monologue...A lot of inner monologue happens.
• God reminding me of important truths that He's already told me but I forgot or didn't do.
• Scripture memorization
• Bible Study
• and apparently, cleaning and organizing

When I'm busy, my house is the first thing that suffers.  

• mail piles up
• laundry piles up
• dishes pile up
• clutter consumes

Right now, I am a sweep away from being "company ready".  I've organized the office, linen closet and bedroom and will shortly hit the costume closet and craft room.  I'm excited to get home and vacuum!  My mother may be the only one to gasp at this statement so for the rest of you...I don't like cleaning, I like helping other people clean but cleaning my own house...ugh.

I know a huge chunk of that is because I left it til last, to when I was utterly spent but had no choice because there was nothing clean left or the clutter had made me so uptight and feeling trapped that I wanted to leave it all behind and live in a yurt somewhere far away.  

I wonder if I'm loving the cleaning because its something to do or if its because, as I move closer to my God in this time of rest, He is bringing me closer to the Prov 31 woman.  Either way, I am confronted with the fact once again that I was doing too much before.  I worked like I had three jobs and wondered why I wasn't being blessed for my generosity.  I was tired all the time and was constantly in emergency mode.  The funny thing is, I feel just as busy right now.  3 out of 5 evenings are filled with companionable obligations.  If I try and make plans with people, I still have to carefully navigate my schedule.  

So what does that mean.  It means my focus has shifted.  My days are silent.  I'm not distracting my brain with noise and so I can dedicate my time to what I'm doing.  My time with God is wholly His.  My time cleaning is spent working on my memory verses, praying or thinking about solutions.  I don't feel rushed or harried or obligated.  I get to choose.  I feel like for the first time in recent memory I am "choosing the better part" (Lk 10:38-42) and still being the "Martha" God made me to be.  I've given up the worry in exchange for listening to my Savior.

I'm still settling into it.  Still choosing the quiet, still practicing the stillness.  I'm not good at it .  The toughest verse for me to memorize literally starts "be still and wait patiently on the Lord" Ps 37:7-8  I have to sit and seriously concentrate to remember that first sentence.  I know I'm going to have to keep practicing because I will sink all in to service once again when I'm released from this season of rest if I'm not careful.  I want to choose this.  I want this to be my baseline.  This peace.  This quiet.

I'm going to share the verses I'm memorizing with you.  Keep me accountable or use these verses to inspire you to write God's word upon your heart.  Let's guard our hearts and minds with the transcendent peace of God.

Ps 19:14

May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.

1 Peter 5:6-7

Humble yourselves, therefore, under Gods mighty hand, that He may life you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.

Ps 37:7-8

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; Do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.  Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret - it leads only to evil.

Jer 6:16

This is what the Lord says: Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls but you said "we will not walk in it".

Philippians 4:4-9

Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again; rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable.  If anything is excellent or praise worthy - think about such things.  Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice.  And the God of peace will be with you.

What is Rest

I am finally going on a real adventure.  If you've been keeping up with my blog, this will sound very strange to you.  I've traveled a lot this year.  I have had tons of new and exciting things happen.  It all started when God gave me a glimpse into what He has for my future.  This doesn't happen to me very often.  God doesn't usually give me a heads up.  I know it's because I am firmly in the "Martha" camp.  When God gives me a nudge, I go into extreme prep mode.  I am so excited to have a plan to follow that I often forget my best resource and guide.  I suspect that is why, after giving me a glimpse into what He has planned, God asked me to rest.  I've talked about it on the blog, so I won't go over it again but I have been struggling this year with the question "What is rest?"  

It's been clear that God is convicting me about my definition of rest.  I fully confess that my definition of rest is "the chance to catch up".  Vacations, weekends away, I think of them as places to hide so I can finish the backlog of tasks that have built up because I couldn't say no to people.  I fear becoming lazy, or resting wrong, more than I have feared the Lord.  Over the last couple of weeks I have been having random encounters with Godly people in my life, and in my Bible study, that have brought this problem up.  

So I'm walking away.  I'm walking away from the need to fulfill any need I come across.  I'm walking away from technology.  I'm walking away from the list of things I have moved too far up on my priority list.  I am walking away from noise.  I have fasted from noise before, you can read about that here, and I expect it is going to be terribly hard.  Giving up the things I have attached my purpose and significance to is going to be hard.  That's the reason why I'm giving up all the things I distract myself with so I haven't had to address these things.  That's the reason why I have to give up these things so I can actually hear my God.

So, I am truly going on an adventure.  A quest into the deepest, darkest wilds.  I am going to leave the beaten path, the familiar trails of my life, and stop trying to make adventure happen.  I am going to dive into aloneness with intention.  To sit in the stillness.  It's going to be full of frustration, tears and sorrow but this adventure is going to teach me how to exchange those things for joy, contentment and the ability to recognize treasures of greater worth.  

Has the Lord been convicting you of something lately?  Is He asking you to do something you don't want to do?  I get it.  Let's do this together.  

JD's Guide to Surviving Travel Companions

Sometimes surviving the adventure can be hard.  Last week, we talked about surviving disappointment in The Adventure Continues.  This week we're going to talk about surviving travel companions, conflicting personalities and exhaustion fueled tension on an adventure.

Whether you're traveling with a spouse, children, siblings, parents, in-laws or friends, when more than one person is thrown into the pot of stress that is travel, you are going to have challenges.  There is a tricky balance that can be achieved so that everyone is having a great adventure.

The first trick to surviving companions is Awareness.  

I don't mean the laser focus on the other persons annoying personality, selfish thoughtlessness or their trouble making antics.  I mean self awareness.  Often, we over react to other people because we aren't aware of what is happening inside ourselves. Something riles us and we start escalating.  After my last big adventure my spouse and I were talking about some reactions we had to each other that didn't speak love (that's our nice way of saying we were not nice to each other, me more than him).  Through the course of the conversation we were each able to explain to the other why we had gotten upset.  I explained that I think of him as smart, way smarter than me, and it didn't make sense to me when what was obvious to me wasn't obvious, or even noticeable, to him.  Additionally when he doubted me in the areas where things were obvious to me, it was like he was confirming that I was dumb.  To him, being smart was his identity in a family full of macho guys and creative gals.  Being able to contribute and help with technology reinforced that feeling of being a useful individual.  Each of us, being able to identify the "baggage" that was causing our reactions to each other totally reframed the situation. Now I knew that my husband wasn't doubting my usefulness or intelligence, he was trying to be helpful.   Being aware that your feelings are getting hurt because of how your interpreting the other persons action is the first step in stopping any escalation.  It's also important to be aware of the other persons needs, proclivities and wants in a practical sense.  If your travel companion is hurting physically, unlikely to tell you what they want to do or is just plain tired, they are going to react totally differently.  Knowing that a kiddo is tired and over reacting makes it much easier to be patient.  Knowing that an adult is hurting means you'll be able to make accommodations and therefore make the adventure accessible to everyone. 

That leads us to the second trick; Grace.

I bet you thought I was going to say patience didn't you.  Patience is great, and it is necessary, but grace is the next step because it carries with it compassion and empathy.  Grace is the free and unmerited favor of God.  As followers of Christ, we are meant to emulate Him.  We are also told to love others as we love ourselves.  Giving grace to your travel companion really means loving them through the tension.  It's about letting go of your "right" to be sick and tired of the shenanigans.  We often justify our annoyance and wear it like a badge of long-suffering.  Here's the thing, you can choose.  You can choose to enjoy where you are at and the person/people you are with.  You can choose to love them unconditionally.  You did choose to go on the adventure with them after all. 

The third trick is an oldie but a goodie, Compromise.

Everyone gets set in patterns of the mundane.  For families, it means you learn where those lines are and then you move on.  You suddenly throw yourself into an adventure into the unknown and it's like we forget how to compromise.  My best advice is to openly communicate before the adventure.  Make your plans together.  Know what your top priorities are and make sure, if at all possible, everyone gets to do their most desired adventure.  If you don't have time for everyone's top activity, or your travel companions are a bit mercurial, then you work towards a middle ground.  I know that sounds simple, but it can be.  Prepare for compromise, reset your expectations and make sure that everyone is on the same page.  

But what do when your travel companion won't compromise, is too young to moderate their selfish inclinations or is hurting too much (mentally or physically) to recognize their overreactions?

Here is the final trick.  This is the big one.  The key.  It comes in two parts.  Relax and Follow Where God Leads.

This bears repeating...RELAX.  It's not that big a deal.  Whatever it is, it's not that big a deal.  Ultimately, adventures can't be scheduled, planned out or regulated.  Staying calm will go a long way to keeping your companions calm.  Ultimately, we know that God is in control of our journey.  Your adventure is not going "wrong".  It's going exactly how God intended.  It's important to remember you are a living testimony and how you react to your companions will speak volumes about your faith.  Set aside your expectations of how you thought things would go and embrace the adventure God has brought you.  

Take a breath.  
Count to ten.  
Take a walk. 
Schedule some alone time.  

Know yourself well enough to respond to what you need and communicate that to your companions kindly but honestly.  Extend love and compassion to your companions.  Actively work on everyone having a good time.  Most importantly, enjoy the adventure God has you on.  That's it.  

New Adventures

We're going to keep things short this week because I am coming back from another grand adventure.  Today, however, I'm going to share something I discovered on a mini adventure near to home.  It's just worked out this year that new adventure has accompanied my spiritual adventure.  I don't usually have this much excitement in my year but I am not going to complain.  As you may have guessed, I love adventure.  

I went on a hike up Mt. Cutler with my Holy Yoga group, Beautiful & Beloved.  I knew I wasn't supposed to be working my knees so soon but I was called to this group and this adventure.  

It was indeed a beautiful hike.  And I found myself reflecting on my time in the Sneffels Traverse.  I knew I wanted to take it easy on this hike and thankfully I was with a group of women who enjoy checking in on each others hearts and loved stopping to view the scenery.  
I found myself praising God for my health, for the ability to move and be in God's creation.  It always lifts my heart to remember to thank God for where I'm at physically, even when I'm suffering health issues.  This side of heaven I am in an imperfect vessel.  I will likely always suffer health issues until the Lord calls me home but I can sure be grateful for the health I do have.

I noticed something as I walked.  All along the trail and ground were broken and fallen pieces of the scenery.  Bits of pine and bush were littered on the ground.  

We've been having some very large hail storms.  Within site of this trail were some of the hardest hit.  Our zoo lost animals, had all the cars in their lot damaged and had 5 people brought to the hospital because of injuries from the hail.  The Broadmoor's golf course was pretty much destroyed by the divots from the hail.  There was property damage galore on the south side of town.  Flooding was a problem for many.

As I noticed the pieces of pine on the ground I noticed some were new, bright green and fragrant.  Some were old, brown and drying.  

It reminded me of a verse.

2 Corinthians 4:8-10 English Standard Version (ESV)

8 We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; 10 always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. 


Perhaps times of spiritual attack are part of the pruning process.  To knock off parts of us that are getting in the way of our growth.  

John 15:2 English Standard Version (ESV)

2 Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit.

That's where I'm going to leave you today.  I want to encourage you all to remember to look at the whole picture.  There was plenty of evidence of the storms that had passed through this region and if I had kept my head down and focused on the damage I would have missed the utter beauty I was walking through.  The same is true for my life.  If I focus on what I've lost in the midst of spiritual attack or discipline, I would miss the beauty of what God is doing in my life.  I can definitely acknowledge the damage, the loss, but I don't want to dwell there.  I want to glory in what the Lord will do because He is always working for my good.

Conversations with God

A few weeks ago I shared my experience trying to meet God in an extraordinary environment in Voice of Thunder - Sneffels Traverse.  I thought it only fitting that I should share the experience I've had this week in my normal, mundane environment.  

The purpose of this blog is to find God in my everyday but my family has been encouraging me to ask myself if I have become a spiritual thrill seeker.  Has my longing for adventure superseded my need to search for God in my moments like a treasure of great price?  This year has certainly been a year of adventure.  Travel, new experiences, learning about new things and having new challenges to deal with have all been a part of that.  God has gifted me so much adventure I might have lost site of the ordinary a little bit. 

I have been praying specifically since the mountain and trying to listen.  This past week I got a clear nudge from the Lord as I was praying.  How could I hear from Him if I wasn't in His Word.  It has been a while since I specifically prayed with the Word of God open before me.  Don’t get me wrong, I pray.  I just don’t often pray with or over scripture.  It’s just not a habit I ever got into unless I’m in a Bible Study and I would still forget unless the study prompted me to do so.  Typing that brings shame rising up in me.  It seems so obvious that should be a part of my relationship with God.  How can that not be a natural step for me?

I have told you before I struggle with discipline.  I’ve been praying for it since I was a very young lady.  Without my schedule and to-do list, without my formal Bible study groups, I’m even more lost.  All this summer I've been praying and seeking and totally forgetting a huge part of hearing from the Lord.  I had been participating in 3-5 Bible Studies before summer began, which was a lot.  It took up huge swaths of my day to complete all the “homework”.  The gatherings took hours out of my week.  When I hadn’t gotten further word from the Lord I assumed it was because I wasn’t obeying His command to rest.  So I slowly released most of the Bible Studies when they ended and waited to hear from Him.  We tend to go to extremes don’t we?  I know I do.  Clearing my schedule to rest didn’t mean God didn’t want me to spend any time in His Word.    

So this week I've been very intentional.  I started studying Isaiah again.  I have made goals for my day, but the top of the list has been time in God's Word for study.  I prayed before, I prayed during and I prayed after.  I’m sure you won’t be surprise to know what happened next.   I heard from the Lord.  He showed up, He met me, He answered my questions, He delighted me and I delighted in Him.  I saw Him in my moments more clearly than I have in months.  He worked through me and in me. 

It’s amazing what small adjustments can do.  It’s amazing how vital time in God’s Word is to my relationship with Him.  As the flurry of “Back To School” starts for you who have children, I want to encourage you.  With the institution of new schedules, sleep adjustment attitude fun and new obligations and expectations, don’t forget time with the source of your strength. 

Matthew 6:33

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Psalm 119:9

How can a young person stay on the path of purity?  By living according to your word.

Psalm 1:2

But whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on his law day and night.

2 Timothy 2:15

Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth.

Romans 10:17

So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ.

Psalm 119:105

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.

This isn't a Christian obligation that we should do to be Christian.  This is a vital need.  It's a conversation, it's bread and water and we absolutely need it to live.  It can't get more extraordinary and beautifully mundane than that.

Linkups:

   

Comparison - What's Important

We're back to comparison this week for a very good reason.  It's a complex issue and there is a lot to discuss.  Two weeks ago we discussed whether comparison was Inspiration or Pitfall.  Last week we asked the question, Is Comparison Always Bad?  This week I want to focus on what's important about it.  The why and how.

com·pare

kəmˈper/

verb

1. 1.

   estimate, measure, or note the similarity or dissimilarity between.

   
   

   "individual schools compared their facilities with those of others in the area"

   
   

   synonyms:

   contrast, juxtapose, collate, differentiate "we compared the data sets"

What do you think of when you hear the word "Comparison"?  Books and sermons encourage me to set aside comparison and be content, which sounds right.  Comparison was always presented to me as a bad thing because it meant you were comparing yourself negatively to someone else.  A simple definition of terms can help clear some things up but this week we are going to hone in on why it is important and the reminder that keeping our focus on God is vital.  How we deal with comparison is important because trying to stop doing it altogether isn't really possible and leads to frustration, or worse, ignoring the problem.  We can, however, use comparison properly and safely.  

If we are ultimately trying to imitate Christ, to be more like Him, there are some steps we need to take.  

1. Observe the provided example
2. Assess your current starting point
3. Make note of areas where you are not meeting the standard, ie compare yourself to the provided example
4. Begin educating yourself on how to improve
5. Practice

The list is a little tongue in cheek, especially considering that this sounds like a business assignment, not a life posture.  But think about it.  If you want to learn how to do something, or do it better, what do you do?  You look for an example to follow.  I think it's important to remember that self assessment is part of working out our faith just as much as it is in learning piano or how to shave a cat.  

Philippians 2:12 English Standard Version (ESV)

12 Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling,

More than that, self assessment requires that we know the standard of our faith.  If we are to be imitators of Christ then it is vital that we know Him.  Deeply, intimately know Him.  
Know the sound of His voice.

John 10:27 English Standard Version (ESV)

27 My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.

Know the way that He moves.

Matthew 20:26-28 English Standard Version (ESV)

26 It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant,[a] 27 and whoever would be first among you must be your slave,[b] 28 even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

Know where He moves.

Matthew 16:24 New International Version (NIV)

24 Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.

And so much more...

It is possible to look at fellow believers, rejoice in their differences, and ask ourselves where we can follow their good example.  It is vital for us to look at what God has asked us to do and compare our lives to the life He describes.  There is a difference between an honest assessment and envious discontent. 

Here is what's important to remember.  

Making yourself feel one way or the other about yourself will always be the wrong choice.  If you look at someones life and breath a sigh of relief because at least you're not as bad as them, that's not good. If you look at someone's life and deflate in defeat because how could they possibly have their life together and you don't, that's not good.  Comparison always becomes a negative when we use it to feel falsely about ourselves.  Comparison in the form of self assessment can sometimes feel convicting or uncomfortable but it should be honest and based on God's truth.  We know the negatives and they can be quite destructive to both relationships and health.  It is one of the many cages we put ourselves in without noticing because we think the comparison "means" something.  We assign meaning which we think affects our value in the eyes of the world, ourselves and God.  It doesn't.  Our value in God's eyes is set.  How freeing it is to to step outside of our emotional responses to what we think the comparison means and see it for the opportunity it is.  The opportunity for conviction.  The opportunity to learn and grow.

We look to those more experienced to teach us how to improve but only when we look to be teachable.  When we allow ourselves to be teachable, to see areas of comparison and conviction as learning opportunities, we can stand in awe of what the Lord will do.  


Linkups:

   

I'm an odd duck

If you've perused through my old blogs you may have noticed some incongruous entries.  Common wisdom dictates that I should eliminate those blogs as being "off brand" if I want to "succeed" as a blogger.  I totally get that.  It is off brand.  If I'm not speaking to a singular audience it can get confusing or disappointing, especially if you come here for one thing and get something else.  So I thought I better talk about that today.


As the title of the post indicates, I am an odd duck.  I am a mess of contradictions in a dress as Fiona sings in Shrek:

the Musical.  Everyone thinks that, you know. Everyone is a little bit right.  While the love of my Lord and Savior is the main focus of my life, and the core of my being, it isn't all.  How God has created us to be is individual but the unique place God has just for us only fits right when we're in the center of His will.  It is so easy to feel that longing for uniqueness, for specialness, and to go the way of the world.  God has hard wired some very specific things into our souls.  The longing for Him and the longing for who He has made us to be.  Whether we have accepted the gift God gave to the whole world or not, those two things are still true.  For the world, that means those two hard wired longings still pull at their core.  They just fill those longings with things other than what was intended.

As Believers, we are not immune.  I find myself swinging in a wide pendulum when I fail to be in the center of God's hard wired longings.  I try and fill the longing with the wrong things or I eliminate everything for the sake of not falling into the first trap.  Neither extreme is good.  

All of the weird, zany, contradictory bits that make up the me that God intended aren't things to be peeled away and discarded.  They are all part, in the proper place, of what God designed. 

I'm a role player, a lover of musicals, a voracious reader, an avid costume wearer, an escape room aficionado, a chronic health sufferer, childless, a volunteer, a yuppy wannabe, blunt, stubborn, a lover of comedic music and show tunes and nothing else (common catch phrase "It's not Weird Al"), proud owner of a chinneck, cat lover, lover of playing board games and a wife.  Sometimes I

put on every color of makeup I own so I can talk about serious things.  Sometimes I stay up all night to finish a volunteer project.  Each of these pieces are part of the landscape and tapestry of my life.  The landscape changes on occasion. Interests wax and wane.  But each of these things are a part of how God is using me.  

So if it seems weird that I occasionally share comic con news or my next favorite RPG game just remember you're still in the right place.  Take those moments to think about how God has made you uniquely you.  Strengths and weakness, weirdness and wonder.  It's all the you God is molding into the person He wants you to be.  And when you remember that about yourself, remember it about everyone else too.

Because sometimes adventure is settling into your own weird without it becoming a badge you hit people with.  


Linkups:

Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop

A while ago, I asked God for adventure, you can read about that here.  It's been a central focus, a hub if you will, upon which God has me spinning right now.  He's teaching me great and wondrous things but ultimately He is answering my prayer.  Typing that brings me to tears, and if you clicked over to the link you'll know why.  God is not only answering my prayer, He is giving above and beyond what I could have imagined.  This morning as I was praising Him for the abundance, a thought popped into my head.

"Don't get to excited about the adventure or God will take it away."

It's a thought I recognized immediately from my childhood.  I was a depressed child.  I didn't interact well with my peers and and I was an overly dramatic person (I still am).  I felt sure I was the only one trying to follow the rules and was constantly being punished for it.  In reality I was insufferable and God had to do some serious humbling of my prideful spirit but, as we often do, I missed the point of the lessons.  It made me feel like God was out to get me along with everyone else.  It put me in a mental state where I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  

 I have told you before I used to raise sheep for 4-H.  Man I loved that time.  I still miss having sheep.  I enjoyed being a shepherd and I loved what I learned about life and God during and after that experience.

But like most extracurricular activities during childhood, 4-H was meant to teach responsibility and the benefits of effort.  It teaches how to deal with loss, disappointment and the unexpected.  My first year I was so upset when I didn't win my parents threatened to put a kibosh on the whole endeavor.  I learned and I got better but I have to tell you something about myself that may shock some of you....  I'm a pessimist.  During my teenage years it was so much worse...I was a fatalist.  

There wasn't a specific moment, a singular tragedy, that brought on this struggle.  There were many.

I didn't like losing and I lost a lot. I didn't interact well with people my age and so I was friendless most of the time.  During my time in 4-H I lost a ewe to a pit bull attack, had 2 of my puppies die, and lost 5 sheep in the matter of a month due to a single accident.  

I loved my sheep a lot.  I considered them my only friends.  I thought they were the only ones who understood me and listened.  I finally felt like I was doing something good and that I had purpose.  When I lost Lindsey to a neighbors pit bull I was just starting to build my flock. I had two ewes I was proud of that would be bred for the first time and I was stoked.  I had a plan.  The loss of my ewe built a framework in my mind that boxed me into some very uncomfortable assumptions. 

• God punishes 

and

• God sometimes takes away anything that I love more than Him  

But wait, you say, those are both true.  Yes, but my assumptions weren't.  I assumed that meant I couldn't love or enjoy anything.  It painted a lightening bolt wielding God in my young mind and so I tried very hard not to love things.  Any good thing that came my way couldn't be enjoyed because eventually God would take it away.  I assumed "fear of the Lord" meant I needed to be a drudging slave who shouldn't think or question too much because God would know and punish me.  It gave me an excuse for fatalism and staying in my depressed state.  

Have you created a mental picture of God based on assumptions?  

I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop until I learned, over time, the depth of love God has for me.  Getting an unbalanced view of God is always dangerous.  God isn't all love or all justice.  He is all love AND all justice.  He is holy AND good.  I have no idea why the thought from my past popped into my head while I was praising Him this morning.  I thought I had learned better than that, and I have.  Our enemy isn't shy about using an oldy but goody.  For the first time in my life I am all in on this amazing adventure God has orchestrated for my life.  Good and bad, I get to make the choice to face it with joy and confidence.  That! That is right where God wants me and the exact opposite of what the enemy wants.  God's intention for me to live the abundant life He wants for me requires open hands for Him to give and take.  The balance of my understanding of God as a holy and righteous judge and a loving and good father is in the belief that God intends all of it for my good.   

What does the balance of your understanding of God hinge on?  What does the enemy use to try and unbalance you?  

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