New Adventures

We're going to keep things short this week because I am coming back from another grand adventure.  Today, however, I'm going to share something I discovered on a mini adventure near to home.  It's just worked out this year that new adventure has accompanied my spiritual adventure.  I don't usually have this much excitement in my year but I am not going to complain.  As you may have guessed, I love adventure.  

I went on a hike up Mt. Cutler with my Holy Yoga group, Beautiful & Beloved.  I knew I wasn't supposed to be working my knees so soon but I was called to this group and this adventure.  

It was indeed a beautiful hike.  And I found myself reflecting on my time in the Sneffels Traverse.  I knew I wanted to take it easy on this hike and thankfully I was with a group of women who enjoy checking in on each others hearts and loved stopping to view the scenery.  
I found myself praising God for my health, for the ability to move and be in God's creation.  It always lifts my heart to remember to thank God for where I'm at physically, even when I'm suffering health issues.  This side of heaven I am in an imperfect vessel.  I will likely always suffer health issues until the Lord calls me home but I can sure be grateful for the health I do have.

I noticed something as I walked.  All along the trail and ground were broken and fallen pieces of the scenery.  Bits of pine and bush were littered on the ground.  

We've been having some very large hail storms.  Within site of this trail were some of the hardest hit.  Our zoo lost animals, had all the cars in their lot damaged and had 5 people brought to the hospital because of injuries from the hail.  The Broadmoor's golf course was pretty much destroyed by the divots from the hail.  There was property damage galore on the south side of town.  Flooding was a problem for many.

As I noticed the pieces of pine on the ground I noticed some were new, bright green and fragrant.  Some were old, brown and drying.  

It reminded me of a verse.

2 Corinthians 4:8-10 English Standard Version (ESV)

8 We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; 10 always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. 


Perhaps times of spiritual attack are part of the pruning process.  To knock off parts of us that are getting in the way of our growth.  

John 15:2 English Standard Version (ESV)

2 Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit.

That's where I'm going to leave you today.  I want to encourage you all to remember to look at the whole picture.  There was plenty of evidence of the storms that had passed through this region and if I had kept my head down and focused on the damage I would have missed the utter beauty I was walking through.  The same is true for my life.  If I focus on what I've lost in the midst of spiritual attack or discipline, I would miss the beauty of what God is doing in my life.  I can definitely acknowledge the damage, the loss, but I don't want to dwell there.  I want to glory in what the Lord will do because He is always working for my good.

Strangely Dim

I opened up my journal for the fist time in a while this morning and was dismayed by what I found. As I was flipping through the pages I noticed that there were whole sections that were starting to disappear. I was distraught and then I noticed which pages had started to fade. My Gratitude Journal, What I learned from God Today and What I heard from the Lord were all suffering a slow shift into invisibility.

It made me think about that old hymn...and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace. As that song went through my head it occurred to me that the opposite can be true. When my gaze is on the world, or even myself, the things of God grow strangely dim. They begin to fade from my notice. I've been reading Bible Studies, going to church and pursuing the path I am convinced God has me on. I had been enduring some spiritual attacks and was fighting off my doubts with truth. What I hadn't been doing was remembering my first love.

Revelation 2:2-4 New King James Version (NKJV)

2 “I know your works, your labor, your [a]patience, and that you cannot[b]bear those who are evil. And you have tested those who say they are apostles and are not, and have found them liars; 3 and you have persevered and have patience, and have labored for My name’s sake and have not become weary. 4 Nevertheless I have this against you, that you have left your first love.

It had been a while since I had cracked open those front sections. The back half of my journal, populated by the prayer requests, questions and brainstorming section, were perfectly fine. This disparity made me examine the kind of relationship and conversation I was having with a God who wants to be closer than a brother. I love asking questions and I have no problem recognizing my lack of knowledge. I love brainstorming. I love thinking about the paths of stories, ideas for connections and inspiration. I even love writing down prayer requests as an act of love and care to those people who share their hearts with me. All good things but all very empty without conversation with God and a deep and growing relationship that gives context and focus to everything else.

For me, life has gotten a little overwhelming and my tendency is to hunker down and hold on. I know the truth that God is sovereign and in control but I forget that He knows my heart. I don't have to grit my teeth and bear up under. He wants to hear from me. My strength won't sustain me, His will. This moment of watching a physical manifestation of my intimate relationship with God fading from inattention was a wake up call. As my attention focused on the reason and source of my faith, instead of the working out of it in my life, I heard a sweet and clear call to come away with Him. To worship and converse together, just the two of us.

I went through and refilled in every fading letter that morning while I studied God's Word. I had a closer time with the Lord than I have had in a while. I did still have some big questions come up as I learned about who God is a little bit deeper but I was able to ask and learn because God was revealing Himself to a friend.

How God is calling me away with Him is totally out of my comfort zone. It is an adventure I have never experienced and while I keep trying to remind myself that it will be physically painful it doesn't seem to overwhelm the sense of excitement I feel about going away to be alone with God and worship.

It's appropriate that the song that came to mind is called "Turn your Eyes upon Jesus" because that is exactly what I'm going to do.  Will you join me in falling in love with our Savior today. To run, giggling, into His arms.  To go on a date and gaze lovingly into His face.  It's worth every moment away from "real" life because God doesn't want what you can do for Him, He wants you!

Further listening "Strangely Dim" by Francesca Battiselli

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Low Nickel Diet

Concluding our discussion on Comparison last week leaves me the perfect transition into this weeks blog post on health.  In my own life I don't think there is any subject where I compare myself negatively with others more frequently than health.  Our newest bump on the road of my families health is causing a great deal of stress for me because it involves such a steep learning curve.  Or at least, it feels steep.  My spouse has been dealing with a skin rash/eczema for the last couple of years that doctors and dermatologists have been unable to diagnose or treat. It was itchy, bubbly, red and caused hair to fall out (most notably on his eyebrows).  Spots would randomly flare up or spread and so I finally decided to make an appointment with an allergy clinic.  They concluded right away it was a nickel allergy and ordered my spouse to adopt a low nickel diet.

Can you guess what foods have nickel?  If you thought none, you would be incorrect.  If you thought all of them, ding ding ding, you are pretty close.  Nickel is in the ground, therefore, things that grow from the ground or eat things grown from the ground are going to have some nickel.  The trick seems to be choosing those foods that are lowest in nickel to avoid having an allergic response.  Here's the part that has been stressing me out.  All the lists I have found so far either contradict each other or only feel comfortable sharing the foods you can't eat.  Few will tell you what foods you can eat without doing some research.  

I want to emphasize the fact that I am not a medical professional.  I'm just trying to figure things out and thought it might help some people.  For me, I needed to figure out what I could feed my family in a practical sense.  I will also say that this is only the first step in figuring out how to live with a nickel allergy this severe.  I have personally found a great deal of information and encouragement from Christy Cushing.  Allergies are always a complex issue and my spouse apparently has quite a few.  Figuring out what will cause a reaction will require a lot of trial and error.  So to organize the information into a format that would be useful to me, I made a spreadsheet.

The problem with the above list is three fold.  

• One
•  it's not exhaustive.  I have no idea if quinoa is allowed yet. I don't know what other vegetables, like jicama or other root vegetables, we can eat.
• Two
• the nickel quantity in any given food is dependent on the soil it's grown in.  Manufacturing can introduce nickel into foods as well as pots and pans in some cases.  Identifying which items have nickel apart from the food equation is a whole other kettle of fish (which we really can't eat now) and so I won't go into it at this time.  
• Three
• We have to set aside the "healthy" diet/lifestyle we were pursuing and start completely from scratch.  I can't follow Whole 30 or Paleo because a good portion of what we eat under those plans are now not allowed.  Are we going to get enough nutrients on a low nickel diet?  What is healthy now?

It's been easy to get overwhelmed with all the effort that is going into learning right now.  Learning about a low nickel diet, learning what has nickel in it, learning about all the other things I'm pursuing right now.  More than any of those, I'm learning to humble myself.  I hate feeling dumb.  I hate feeling like I don't know what I'm doing.  I absolutely hate feeling like I'm doing something wrong.  And right now I feel all those things.  It requires humility to set aside my need to "have it all together" and be a student.  It requires humility to give our silent struggle to God instead of holding onto it so we can compare how much harder we have it than anyone else.  

What things are you struggling to set aside to be a student?  What does being a student mean to you?  Does it immediately conjure up images of youth, ignorance or weakness?   Whether you're struggling with comparing yourself to the seemingly healthy masses and wondering why you, or whether you are struggling to humble yourself as you learn to do better, you can do this.  One step at a time, in the chunks you can handle with God's help.  

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Belligerent Depression

Yesterday was a hard evening.  I made my hubby a delicious meal, planned something special to show him I loved him and gave him time to relax playing his favorite game.  I was especially pleased and happy.  In that moment of happiness my hubby said something I'm sure he thought was a joke but hit me like a ton of bricks.  Instantly I bottomed out.  My joy fled, my happiness dissipated and I spent the rest of the evening silently seething.  I felt the depression circling my heart.  By the time my hubby came to bed I knew he had no idea he had hurt my feelings so I told him.  My hubby is famous for being Capt. Oblivious (yes I capitalize it, he has "super powers".  Capt. Oblivious is his hero name)  He is also sensitive and loving.  He doesn't like to have a break in our relationship.  It makes him extremely anxious.  But I couldn't let it go and I knew I wasn't just skirting depression, I was actively choosing belligerent depression.

Over the years I have learned what is and is not acceptable during an argument with my spouse.  I learned this at the expense of my amazing husband I am ashamed to say.  There are many reasons why my husband and I don't spat very often and one of the big ones is that I'm usually in the wrong.  Even if I'm right...

This isn't a commentary on who wins arguments, because if that were my goal I'd "win" every time.  My husband would acquiesce and apologize.  I could rule him like the queen of hearts.  My reign would be cruel and terrible.

In our first year of marriage God made sure to teach me some powerful lessons in submission.  My husband has a quiet, patient spirit that God designed to be the perfect mate to my impulsive, blunt spirit.  It took me a while to figure out how my big personality was supposed to submit to my husbands humble spirit.  It's a good thing God got started on those lessons early.  I needed lots of time to learn.  While learning that lesson I discovered something about myself.  Sometimes I get mad or depressed.  Randomly, without warning.  My husband, being a convenient, safe and non combative target, most often becomes the focus of my ire.  Sure, I get upset under the pretext of something he has done "wrong".  Some word or thoughtless action that hurt my feelings.  Years of marriage have taught me that my anger and depression have almost nothing to do with my husband's actions.  He hasn't changed.  The thing I laughed at last week suddenly becomes the thing that sends me over the edge today.

In the midst of hormones and whatever else is going on in my brain and body it's been difficult to stop myself from taking it out on my husband.  For the first few years I would remind myself that being mad at my husband (especially for as long as I felt like being mad) was like kicking Bambi.  Staying in an angry or depressed state for as long as I "wanted" to just made it more and more difficult to figure out how to extricate myself.  That's when I started the ridiculous habit of  the "Stupid Fire hydrant".  I had been punishing my husband with my anger for a time and I knew it was wrong.  I couldn't think of how to dismiss my anger until a red fire hydrant caught my eye.  God whispered quietly to me that my anger at my spouse was just as pointless as being angry at a fire hydrant.  I don't know what God did  but it felt like he supernaturally increased the amount of fire hydrants on that trip home and I just started saying "stupid fire hydrant".  After the first two times my hubby and I both began to laugh.  That allowed me to dissipate my anger and talk to my husband again without an agenda.  As my hubby and I approach our second decade of marriage I have learned how to apologize for getting upset and depressed.  I'm not apologizing for being on the "wrong" side of the argument or for biological predispositions.  I'm apologizing for reacting wrong.  My confession and apology to my husband aren't about making him feel like a lord over me (if he even noticed things like that)  but about me and the attitude of my heart.

Even after years of practice at asking myself if I am getting upset or depressed because of something my husband has said or because there is something going on in my mind or body, I still mess up sometimes and react wrongly or choose to cast blame at my spouses feet.  It's gotten easier to apologize over the years but every once in a while my pride stands in the way and the upset lasts way longer than it should.

There are consequences to stubborn pride and belligerent anger.  I know enough about my cycle of depression to be aware of the warning signs and for me it usually begins with pride and belligerence followed by isolation. God knows my family history, I am fearfully and wonderfully made after all.  If He hadn't taught me how to notice my reactions, submit, apologize and re-center I would continue down the depression spiral.  So I gave up my belligerent anger and appologized.  After years of practice it's no longer easier said than done, it's just done.  I appologize and let it go.  You can too.

What are your triggers?  What sets you down a negative spiral?  Do you have a hard time letting go of being angry?

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Too tired to fight

A friend of mine has been going through a lot recently.  A serious, dark time of attack from multiple angles in her life.  She is a beautiful daughter of God and she is handling all of the attacks to her family with grace.  Today, after updating me on the latest offenses, I complimented her on how she is handling all of hard things in her life right now.  Her response was "What you see on social media are only moments of light."

That response spoke volumes to me.  I knew that she was saying that she feels defeated and tired.  She feels like she is barely surviving.  Those moments where she was sharing with the world her beautiful God weren't an accurate reflection of the battle she's in.  They felt like desperate gasps of air in between terrifying moments under water.  I totally get that.  I've definitely felt that in my own life.  That feeling of failing, of drowning or of desperation.  I know she heard my compliment and thought to herself, 'that's nice of you to say but I'm actually struggling'.

I could see it on her face and I could hear the echo of it in my own soul.

This isn't grace, this is exhaustion.

In the midst of struggle we can only think about the next breath or the next slogging step.  Out of sheer desperation we cling to the hope we know is true.  God is walking with us through it all.  We can do this.
There's no oomph behind that thought, just the sheer desperate belief you cling too when you have nothing left.

Here's the beautiful part of what I discovered today.

I discovered what that beautiful struggle looks like from the outside.

She was exhausted, spent and wrung out by her life in that moment and still she shone with the incomparable light of God to me.  As human beings we watch, admire and celebrate struggle.  Sports contests, herculean efforts and firm belief against the odds are the stuff of literal legend.  It transcends age or ability.  Watching someone strive with all of their heart, soul and mind for something pricks our hearts and carries us along in their wake.  What makes us cheer for the underdog?  That hope that if we believe and try, we'll succeed too.  As I was testing that thought in my own heart I went back and looked at images of people giving their all and people who were utterly spent after their effort.  I not only saw an exquisite beauty in those moments, I felt them calling to me.  It stirred me, to be sure, but it also gave me pause.  No matter what the final outcome of the effort was, I saw in their faces the despair of fighting off the doubt that they couldn't give any more.  They weren't thinking about all of the good things that were happening around them, they were consumed with the task at hand and the mental and physical strength it took to endure to the end.  And yet, for the spectator, it is glorious.  It is cause for cheer, shouting, zeal and celebration.  Sure, sometimes we get caught up in the competition of it all and a seeming loss can push the wind from our crys, but if you're paying attention to the one giving the effort, their faces are still shining for a moment before defeat settles on them.  The effort, the attempt, was important.  It was valuable.  It was beautiful. 

This is as true of our spiritual journeys as it is of our physical. 
When Jesus was asked what the most important commandment was ...

And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  Mt 22:37 ESV

That kind of effort requires you dig deep into reserves of strength you never knew you had.  It requires focus and belief that spending all you have will not leave you destitute, but richer.  The kind of effort that thins you out and shows what is underneath.  The strength and beauty of this amazing woman of God could not be more evident because her imperfect vessel, being battered and abused (showing every crack, every chink in her armor), was shining forth the glory of God underneath.

"Our unimpressiveness accentuates God's inestimable impressiveness." 

-Beth Moore, The Quest

2 Corinthians 4:6-7 English Standard Version (ESV) 

For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.  But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.

While our times in the heat of battle are good for instruction and growth in our own lives, it's not always about us.  What God is doing in and through our struggles is often for the instruction, edification and evangelism of the rest of the world.

This isn't something we want to hear when we're in the midst of a fiery furnace but perhaps it will help you bear up a little better.  All the questions of "why is this happening?" and "when will it be over?" can be painful, especially when they seem unanswered, but our struggle under heavy burdens or impossible odds are always about God's name being glorified.  Why did Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego get thrown in the fiery furnace?  While I'm sure they got some serious benefits out of face time with a heavenly being, that wasn't the focus of the story. Nebuchadnezzar was.

This race we are running is a spectator sport.  We will be seen.  Just don't forget that when you are feeling your most broken, exhausted and spent is exactly when what's inside is best seen.  So don't compare your jar of clay to someone else's.  The jar, and it's state of brokenness, isn't the point of focus.  It's what's inside that should be shining out and that is what is beautiful, awe inspiring and glorious.

     

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#dancewithjesus

Watch for traps

I’m an action comedy kind of girl.  When I watch a movie I want it to thrill and delight me.  Luckily, my hubby is the same way.  Our favorite is the Princess Bride and I’m sorry but we can’t be friends if you don’t agree.  ;)  I was thinking about some of my favorite films recently and thinking about the fact that the hero always seems to have some inexplicable immunity or special skill that just so happens to meet the requirements of any given situation until the story needs to give the sidekick something to do.  Have you ever noticed that? 

Life doesn’t work like that!

  

In fact, it's the exact opposite.  The pitfalls and traps in life that cause us to trip up, fall down and spin about are insidious.  Unlike an action movie where the hero encounters generic traps in which they are naturally skilled, our traps are specifically tailored to our weaknesses.   

The traps are so specifically tailored that I often feel that I will never be able to overcome the pitfall.  I think we can all admit that there are some weaknesses we have struggled with our entire lives.  If God is growing and changing us, why am I still struggling with a specific area of sin?  Why does that trap always seem to work?  

It may be because God is not General Akbar yelling from His throne “IT’S A TRAP!”  Or does He?  Maybe He does yell from His throne that it’s a trap.  So often we are drowning God’s voice out with other things so we can’t hear His warnings. 

Maybe it's because God is trying to make us aware of our shortcomings so we can learn to overcome them.  I often find that I'm unaware of an issue until someone or something points it out to me.  

No matter what God ordained reason for the trap, I know why I fall for them.  I get caught in these traps because my hand is reaching out for something it shouldn't.  I don't know about you but the traps I seem to fall for are not subtle once you notice they are always there.  

The third Indiana Jones film is my favorite (I know, not a popular choice) but one of the reasons why I love this film is the theme of focus.  Good guys and bad guys alike are after the "holy grail" but their intent and motivations are different.  After being told the grail can't go past the seal, the femme fatale takes it past the seal.  Consequences ensue.  The hero saves her from falling only to have her pull herself out of his grasp as she tries to reach for the grail.  This leads to his fall, which is halted by his father.  Now stay with me here.  This is our moment.  While hanging there, the hero takes his eyes off his father and onto the grail.  He almost makes the same mistake the femme fatale made.  The grail isn't a bad thing.  Most of the things that cause us to fall into traps aren't.  It's taking our eyes off God the Father for any reason.  Sometimes it's because He's holding on to us to prevent a fall.  Sometimes it's because anything less than God is an idol.  We pull ourselves out of the grip of a God who is leading us by his strong right arm to grasp hold of something else.  Whether that thing is good or bad the point is that it is just a thing.  It's a creation, not the creator.  

So what are you reaching for today?  Is it your Savior or something else?

Linking up with: #freshmarketfriday, #destinationinspiration, #faithnfriends