Dealing with Consequences

A few weeks back I talked about waiting for the other shoe to drop and this week I found myself on that spectrum of thought again.  When I was younger, I had a pastor that I considered my first "real" pastor.  He was during my teenage years so mostly it's because I remember him.  The only part of his sermons over the years that has remained with me was a story he would tell on occasion.  Pastor Randy was allergic to chocolate.  Pastor Randy loved chocolate.  Every once in a while, especially around Easter, when all the little bit sized chocolates where in abundance, he would sneak a little chocolate egg.  He told himself it wasn't a lot and probably wouldn't be a big deal.  Sure enough, by the end of the day he would have a big old scaly rash around his mouth.  It was an allergic reaction that made it clear to everyone that he had done something he shouldn't.

I was thinking about that this week as I was suffering day two of a migraine.  I knew exactly why I had a migraine.  My wonderful mother made a salmon in  puffed pastry for Sunday lunch.  My husband painstakingly took his salmon out of the puffed pastry pocket, but not me.  I thought, it's not a lot.  I'm sure it will be fine.  It is not fine.  I'm learning the depth of  nuh-uh my body has in reaction to grains and gluten.  I should have been even more strict with what I'm consuming this week because of travel, which is especially hard on my body, but my temporary pleasure has led to days worth of pain.  It has me thinking, what do I do with totally legit consequences?

We know that suffering for Christ's sake has a whole lot of encouragement that goes along with it, but what does God's Word have to say about dealing with consequences we brought on ourselves?

Galatians 6:7-8 English Standard Version (ESV)

7 Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. 8 For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.

Jeremiah 17:9-10 English Standard Version (ESV)

9 The heart is deceitful above all things,
    and desperately sick;
    who can understand it?
10 “I the Lord search the heart
    and test the mind,[a]
to give every man according to his ways,
    according to the fruit of his deeds.”

Hebrews 12:11 English Standard Version (ESV)

11 For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

but we also have precedence for coming back to God and admitting our fault and asking for His help.  We're all familiar with the story of the prodigal son (Luke 15).  When he came to his senses he determined to apologize in hopes of at least being a servant in his father's household.  Sampson has a similar story of getting himself in big trouble by disobeying and being remembered by God again (Judges 16).


No matter what mess we've gotten ourselves into, we don't have to wallow with the pigs.  God may not take away the consequences any sooner (or at all) but there's a big heart difference between being right with God and not being right.

So I went to God and thanked Him for the consequences.  I thanked Him for the reminder that He's brought me some miraculous changes over the last year, one of them being the suffering of less migraines and headaches (praise the Lord).  Then I asked Him to heal it quickly if it was His will and to help me through it either way.  I haven't been healed but I sure got a lot done today despite the pain and I walked it with joy.  I haven't gotten as much done on some of the days I was feeling fine!

Are you dealing with the consequences of your own willful/sinful/wrong-for-you actions?  Do you use those consequences to flagellate yourself?  Do you bemoan the consequences as unfair?  Do you stoically trudge on?  Or do you return, hat in hand, to your loving Father to confess, hoping that you can start building trust again slowly and instead are surprised by the depth of compassion you find there?  I have to admit that I've been the stoically trudge kind of girl.  I have been missing out on the treasures buried just beneath the surface of dealing properly with my wrong doing.  How about you?

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Too tired to fight

A friend of mine has been going through a lot recently.  A serious, dark time of attack from multiple angles in her life.  She is a beautiful daughter of God and she is handling all of the attacks to her family with grace.  Today, after updating me on the latest offenses, I complimented her on how she is handling all of hard things in her life right now.  Her response was "What you see on social media are only moments of light."

That response spoke volumes to me.  I knew that she was saying that she feels defeated and tired.  She feels like she is barely surviving.  Those moments where she was sharing with the world her beautiful God weren't an accurate reflection of the battle she's in.  They felt like desperate gasps of air in between terrifying moments under water.  I totally get that.  I've definitely felt that in my own life.  That feeling of failing, of drowning or of desperation.  I know she heard my compliment and thought to herself, 'that's nice of you to say but I'm actually struggling'.

I could see it on her face and I could hear the echo of it in my own soul.

This isn't grace, this is exhaustion.

In the midst of struggle we can only think about the next breath or the next slogging step.  Out of sheer desperation we cling to the hope we know is true.  God is walking with us through it all.  We can do this.
There's no oomph behind that thought, just the sheer desperate belief you cling too when you have nothing left.

Here's the beautiful part of what I discovered today.

I discovered what that beautiful struggle looks like from the outside.

She was exhausted, spent and wrung out by her life in that moment and still she shone with the incomparable light of God to me.  As human beings we watch, admire and celebrate struggle.  Sports contests, herculean efforts and firm belief against the odds are the stuff of literal legend.  It transcends age or ability.  Watching someone strive with all of their heart, soul and mind for something pricks our hearts and carries us along in their wake.  What makes us cheer for the underdog?  That hope that if we believe and try, we'll succeed too.  As I was testing that thought in my own heart I went back and looked at images of people giving their all and people who were utterly spent after their effort.  I not only saw an exquisite beauty in those moments, I felt them calling to me.  It stirred me, to be sure, but it also gave me pause.  No matter what the final outcome of the effort was, I saw in their faces the despair of fighting off the doubt that they couldn't give any more.  They weren't thinking about all of the good things that were happening around them, they were consumed with the task at hand and the mental and physical strength it took to endure to the end.  And yet, for the spectator, it is glorious.  It is cause for cheer, shouting, zeal and celebration.  Sure, sometimes we get caught up in the competition of it all and a seeming loss can push the wind from our crys, but if you're paying attention to the one giving the effort, their faces are still shining for a moment before defeat settles on them.  The effort, the attempt, was important.  It was valuable.  It was beautiful. 

This is as true of our spiritual journeys as it is of our physical. 
When Jesus was asked what the most important commandment was ...

And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  Mt 22:37 ESV

That kind of effort requires you dig deep into reserves of strength you never knew you had.  It requires focus and belief that spending all you have will not leave you destitute, but richer.  The kind of effort that thins you out and shows what is underneath.  The strength and beauty of this amazing woman of God could not be more evident because her imperfect vessel, being battered and abused (showing every crack, every chink in her armor), was shining forth the glory of God underneath.

"Our unimpressiveness accentuates God's inestimable impressiveness." 

-Beth Moore, The Quest

2 Corinthians 4:6-7 English Standard Version (ESV) 

For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.  But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.

While our times in the heat of battle are good for instruction and growth in our own lives, it's not always about us.  What God is doing in and through our struggles is often for the instruction, edification and evangelism of the rest of the world.

This isn't something we want to hear when we're in the midst of a fiery furnace but perhaps it will help you bear up a little better.  All the questions of "why is this happening?" and "when will it be over?" can be painful, especially when they seem unanswered, but our struggle under heavy burdens or impossible odds are always about God's name being glorified.  Why did Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego get thrown in the fiery furnace?  While I'm sure they got some serious benefits out of face time with a heavenly being, that wasn't the focus of the story. Nebuchadnezzar was.

This race we are running is a spectator sport.  We will be seen.  Just don't forget that when you are feeling your most broken, exhausted and spent is exactly when what's inside is best seen.  So don't compare your jar of clay to someone else's.  The jar, and it's state of brokenness, isn't the point of focus.  It's what's inside that should be shining out and that is what is beautiful, awe inspiring and glorious.

     

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My Resurrection

After last weeks emotional blog I felt it was time to share my story with you all.  It's a fitting week for me to do so too because this is the story of how my heart died and was brought back to life. 

I met my husband at my very first theater audition.  I was depressed at the time and just wanted to feel useful, like something was going right in my life.  God drew me to this audition for many reasons, there is no doubt.  When I walked up to the building the first person I saw was a handsome young man sitting outside.  I thought, "this guy is cute"!  so I went inside, sang my little song and was then told to go to the back dance studio to practice a group waltz as the final portion of the audition.  I didn't know anyone and while everyone paired up because they all knew each other, I stood there.  I stood there until I noticed that same cute guy shyly not pairing up with anyone either.  It looked like he wasn't pairing up with anyone else on purpose just so I didn't have to be alone.  This had never happened to me before.  I had never really dated anyone and certainly no one thought I was attractive enough to flirt with.  It must be a mistake.  He was just being nice because he knew I was new.  I was cast in the chorus but as rehearsals progressed I proved myself, and as others dropped out of the show or failed to show up to rehearsals, I was slowly but surely bumped up the cast list.  I made friends and felt like I belonged for the first time in my life.  There was only one problem.  That cute guy turned out to be the BIGGEST dork ever!!!  He kept hanging out with the people I was hanging out with but I was never going to consider dating him.  Nope.  By the time the show opened I had made it all the way to supporting lead and that dorky guy and I were cast as husband and wife.  Little did I know that his mother, the pianist, and our director were plotting almost from the beginning to get us together.  By the time I decided that he was a safe guy to practice dating, because I hadn't really done it before, we had an interesting kerfuffle which I will save for valentines some year. 

We were married amidst layoffs and terrible jobs.  We planned our wedding on a budget on our own because we were going to be our own dorks and tradition couldn't hold us.  My parents were quite upset with us for a while.  My hubby was laid off before the wedding and was scheduled to start a new job right when we got back from our honeymoon.  Jobs in the tech industry were struggling at the time.  A lot of people were out of work and struggling to find and keep jobs so we were really grateful to not be in debt because of the wedding and to have God timing on my hubby getting a new job. 

Here's where things get....hard.  Two weeks after we got back from our honeymoon I was hospitalized with a blood clot from my groin to my ankle.  I didn't know it at the time but God performed many miracles for us during that time.  The first was that my hubby's new job allowed him to get on the insurance plan as soon as he started.  At the time it was customary to make a new employee wait until the next signup period or at least 6 months.  This unusual circumstance no doubt saved us from a lifetime of woe.  Preexisting conditions are no joke and insurance doesn't like covering people they know are sick.  They aren't allowed to discriminate if you have insurance and get sick but they certainly have a choice if you were sick before you were covered or if you have any lapse in coverage.  Getting sick on insurance has saved us a great deal of money and heartache and I know God did that for us.  The second miracle is that I lived.  I waited 3 days to go to the hospital because I thought I just had a charlie horse.  I was in so much pain.  While I was in the hospital, part of the blood clot broke off and went through my brain (which is how you get a stroke) and my heart (which can cause a heart attack) and ended up in my lungs.  I was told I had a genetic, hereditary blood disorder.  This meant I would be on blood thinners for the rest of my life.  It would be extremely dangerous to attempt to have children.

This is not what a newlywed wants to hear.  I knew my hubby wanted to wait at least five years to have kids and since I had no strong feelings one way or the other, I had agreed that was fair.  Now we had to decide if we were ever having kids.  After another layoff, and a very long time of searching for a new job, we decided we needed to look outside of our home state for a job.  In our first year my husband was laid off twice, I found out I had an illness we would have to treat the rest of my life and we had to move away from all our family.  He was laid off many more times in those first few years, we lost his mother to cancer and we couldn't afford to visit her until it was too late because of another layoff.  While those first years were very hard, God used them to teach us how very good He is.  He brought money out of nowhere to pay bills that were due because were were faithful to tithe even when we had almost nothing.  He brought helpers to fix issues we had no idea how to deal with and had no money to pay someone to fix.  He provided a job interview while we were waiting for my mother-in-laws funeral.  A job he got and the job that brought us home. 

We didn't have all the information back then about therapies and making the attempt to have children with precautions but I'm not sure if it would have changed our decisions.  We decided to forgo having our own biological children. 

A visiting missionary to our church in Ohio talked about children in the orphanages of Europe that no one wanted because of their nationality.  I felt such a stirring in my heart.  I was convinced it was the Lord. I started to research adoption.  We...okay, that's not fair....I finally settled on China.  There was reportedly a large number of girls in the system because of the one child policy.  The rules for China required us to be married 5 years and be 30 years old.  My birthday, 2007, would meet everyone's requirements and I was so sure ...

...so utterly sure...

That God had arranged it all as a beautiful gift.

So I settled in to wait.  This is the part of the story that I tend to like to fast forward through and just give the highlights.  I started learning to speak Mandarin and my hubby started to learn to write it.  We started gathering the things we would need to submit and started early enough to plan to submit our packet on my birthday exactly.  The adoption process is not fun.  For anyone who hasn't been through it I will tell you my experience.  You are judged unfit by assumption.  You must be trained, evaluated and observed to prove that you are fit to be a parent.  That some how, your lack of ability or inclination to biologically reproduce means you lack the presumptive ability to parent.  Now I understand logically why all the classes, evaluations, paperwork, counseling, and monitoring should and do happen.  It doesn't negate the feeling of judgement no matter what kind of attitude you have about the process.  It's stressful and emotional.  Despite the stress and emotions, I was convinced this is what God was asking us to do.  Those moments of stress and tears were born with a sense of anticipation.  I knew God was doing this and I had waited on Him and nothing could defeat me!  As I waited for the last of the paperwork to be notarized and affirmed by two separate countries I was living in such a heightened state of excitement I'm surprised I didn't injure myself.  My passport came during this time and while I was traveling from the copy place to the post office to mail the copies, my passport disappeared.  To this day I have no idea where it could have gone.  I thought this was the end of the world.  Passports don't come overnight.  I had to report the passport missing and get a new one and then go through all the notarization and approval.  I knew that the adoption agency wouldn't translate and finalize the packets until everything was present and accounted for.  I also knew there was no way that it would happen by my birthday because of this one incident.  There was weeping and wailing.  What can I say, I told you I was very emotional.  I finally calmed down enough as I waited to remember that it wasn't that big a deal.  I had built my birthday up as some kind of mecca and I had to confess it and move on.  The new passport came and the paperwork avalanche had one last round to make but I sent it off with a resigned peace.  

...and God once again showed up...

The adoption agency had been translating our packet and it was sent on my birthday, 2007.

and I was convinced...

so utterly, joyously, elatedly convinced...

That God had arranged it all as a beautiful gift.

I thought it was the best birthday present I have ever gotten.  I had never felt like I had heard the voice of the Lord so clearly in my life.

I thought I had learned to wait in those first five years.  I had no idea what waiting was.  

My heart died a little every month after that.  The 6-8 months that were listed as the wait time when I first looked at China had become 9-12 months when I submitted my paperwork.  Her name was going to be Isabelle Lynn.  Isn't that beautiful?  Every month we waited, the wait time got a month longer.  I mean that literally.  In the beginning they would send reports each month, in a newsletter, that included the anticipated wait time.  Eventually they stopped putting a number because it was too depressing.  Waiting for a specific date is nothing compared to waiting for an unknown.  After years, we decided to try domestic adoption while we were waiting in line for a foreign one.  I wanted two kids and so this seemed like a good option.  After a very painful process, and a very large misunderstanding, we were denied.  

It's been over a decade since this time in my life.  I can tell you that I have cried so hard I made myself sick.  I prayed so hard I made myself sick.  We waited.  We waited years.  I can tell you from personal experience that

Proverbs 13:12a New International Version (NIV)

12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick,       

That anticipation turned into bitterness.  The surety that God had arranged a beautiful gift turned into a doubt.  Little by little my heart hardened so I wouldn't feel the pain anymore.  I convinced myself it was the only way to stop myself from sinning.  God is good, God is just, God is sovereign.  So I bundled up my questions and doubt and locked them behind a stone.  Many years later we finally gave up waiting.

Life continues through pain.  I cried on occasion after that.  Whenever strangers asked me how many kids I had.  When loved ones ask why we don't try again.  When friends jokingly "offered" to give us one of their children.  Every tear was dried quickly and walked away from.  There was nothing I could do about it.  Nothing I could do to change it, so why dwell.  Each poke at my stony heart got easier to deal with. 

I know this is a long set up.  I wanted you to see that I thought I was doing what God asked me to do.  When I failed at the adoption I thought I was doing the right thing by casting aside my hurt and living in the belief that God was sovereign and I must not have heard Him.  For years after that I lived in a void.  I didn't hear from the Lord at all.  I didn't feel His presence.  I thought I was being punished.  I examined myself for sin but didn't feel convicted about anything.  I cried out to the Lord and heard nothing. 

A few years ago while I was studying scripture God, in His great mercy, showed me something.

Ezekiel 36:26 New International Version (NIV)

26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.

I wasn't hearing from the Lord because I had hardened my heart.  I had closed myself off so I wouldn't feel the pain but I forgot that would mean that I couldn't feel love either.  This past year has been all about exchanging my heart of stone with the full knowledge that it would bring some pain back with it.  Pain and questions and doubt and fear.  I'd happily endure all of those things to get the voice of my Savior back.  I can't live without Him.  So in this season of remembrance, anticipation and rejoicing, I celebrate the heart God resurrected in me.  I recognize my time in the grave that helped me get a little closer to understanding what Jesus did for me. I acknowledge Christ's sacrifice, sorrow and separation and hear the echo in my own heart.  A heart that was stone and is once again flesh.  I will celebrate with tears of joy on Sunday because Christ is alive and so am I!    

Have you hardened your heart to stop feeling some great pain or loss?  

Are you ready to give up your heart of stone?

Are you ready to delight once again in your Saviors presence even if it means you will share in His sufferings?

I hope you are, because there is no joy without Him.  
I quoted the first half of Prov 13:12 because I wasn't sure I could claim the second half.  "...But a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."  While I don't have children, the Lord has still fulfilled a longing.  I long to be close to Him.  That is something I know God will accomplish.  I will never have to doubt that God will do it.  I will never have to fear that I am wrong to pursue it.  

I hope you will have reason to celebrate your own resurrection.  Into new life, into a fleshier heart, into new hope...no matter what, to celebrate with our Savior as we celebrate our Savior.  I certainly will! 

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Temper Tantrums

I was thinking about how rebellious we are as a species.  No matter how young or old, we all have moments where we have temper tantrums.  It came up as I was talking with a friend about health and the little ways we sabotage ourselves.

I myself am quite the stubborn lamb.  As a sufferer from chronic health issues I have tried almost all the things.  I have tried to politely smile and thank well meaning acquaintances who ask if I've tried A, B or C.  I have tried to shake off the comments about my health problems being my fault.  I have tried enough mainstream and alternative medicines to "fix" my issues that I've developed a bit of a problem.  I will only give any new "cure" a month.  Some of the suggested fixes are quite unpleasant and for me having a set end date was part of my mental defense for giving solution "x" every chance to work.  I would do everything they asked of me....for a month.  And when it didn't work, because let's face it, nothing had yet, I wouldn't be surprised and I wouldn't have invested hope falsely.

Sometimes what health professionals ask of us sounds so ridiculous.  At least it does to me.  I honestly believe (and therefore act out) that what they're asking of me couldn't possibly make a difference. This is apparently not uncommon.  The training my friend is going through to become a therapist is asking some great questions of her.  She was stuck on a particular one when we met for tea and so she asked me my opinion.

"What do you say to a client who is clearly not doing the work at home that you have assigned"

I understand the question from the clients side and after talking it through, she realized she did too.  We all have things that raise our hackles and set our stubborn feet.  We all, at every age and type, have little temper tantrums when we say in the privacy of our own minds, "Well, I'll show you!"   It's counter productive in the extreme and doesn't help anybody.

There are many ways that my stubborn streak has caused me harm.  My health being one of the biggest areas it has effected.  In order to prove to the therapist and "everybody else" that I'm not lazy, lying or faking it, I do everything they tell me even when it is painful and causing more health issues.  I don't talk about it.  They didn't want to hear me when I told them it won't work, then fine.  I'll show them!  Sometimes I completely ignore health workers advice because it sounds so far-fetched.  Like eating at specific times of the day....how could that possibly be the reason I'm not losing weight?!?

The real problem is that I have already decided that it's not going to work.  That belief effects the outcome.  It makes it more likely that I will not comply with what is being asked of me, either through omission or through stubborn belligerence.  It is ultimately a waste of my time and whichever health practitioner I am currently seeing.

Entering into any activity should always be done with eyes wide open.  Being on the lookout for red flags and warning signs is always wise.  We should be searching for God in the everyday and that means even the things we consider mundane.  It is always walking forward, searching actively....never with neck outstretched, heals dug in, weight shifting to our rumps.  Your stubbornness will never take you where you want to go.  It will only keep you where you are.

If where you're walking isn't working, then change your course, don't fight to stay where you are.

Jeremiah 7:24 ESV 

But they did not obey or incline their ear, but walked in their own counsels and the stubbornness of their evil hearts, and went backward and not forward.

Happy Rock

Life is certainly interesting.  I had a first time preventative health screen yesterday.  I was a little nervous about it. Since I haven't been getting good sleep, and I've been stressed out, I haven't been managing my life well.  I got up yesterday morning to work out and noticed someone had put this little painted rock in our yard.  I've been hearing about this trend from my geocaching friends but it just started out my day reminding me that God saw me.  He knows what I need and randomly, like a lover, surprises me with gifts.  Sure enough, when I got home from my appointment this little rock was gone.  I was really glad I got a picture of it.  There was no rock to remind me today when my body totally rebelled at yoga or when my tasks began to become overwhelming or when I lost my Bible Study book I needed to have completed for tonight.  I still looked for it today.  In that spot I knew it wouldn't be. It's not really about the rock.  It's about choosing to see the little and big gifts that God has given me today, right now, even in the midst of attack and stress and disappointment.  

Has God given you a happy rock today?  Would you notice if He had?

Stress Progress

Whether you're dealing with a plethora of first world problems or just a few, stress is a problem for most people.  It's linked to all kinds of health issues and generally sucks the joy of life right out the window in my experience. Part of getting a "God checkup" every so often (you know, the search my heart and see if there be any unclean way in me/what are you wanting me to learn/where are my strongholds of sin/which battle am I gearing up for, thing) for me has always included some regret that there are certain areas that I seem to always struggle with.  I know, I know.  I haven't reached the finish line yet...there is no perfection on this earth.  For a long time I couldn't see (or didn't recognize) progress in any area of my life.  Now, God has graciously and kindly shown me some areas that have definite growth and all praise and glory goes to Him on that.

Our house is a little old.  Home ownership has a lot of stresses when it comes to repair and maintenance.  Our first home was a new build and while we didn't live there long enough for maintenance issues we did struggle with a sea of mice and black widows that were displaced from the empty lot behind us when new construction began.  Our second home had black mold and many other issues but when we got one of the estimates for repairing the mold problem I had my first TMJ attack from my jaw stress clenching.  Lack of money or lack of expertise can lead to paralyzing indecision.  My husband and I are not handy people.  Repairing a fence, putting in a water heater, replacing a sump pump....we've done those things...but not well.  We've had some pretty major expenses for our current house.  This week I got a quote for over $19,000 for a repair along with several other thousand dollar repair jobs that need to happen.  It should have been stressful....and I'm pretty sure I'm not stressed about it.  (My body and I don't communicate well so I sometimes don't know when the reactions I'm having are stress related)

Here's the thing, God is using these potential stressers as a test, not for His amusement but for me.  You see, God has been doing a lot but the two I'm going to focus on right now are the long term work and the short term work.

1. I've been struggling with weight and ever increasing headaches and migraines.  I've tried a lot of things (see previous blog posts) and didn't really believe this "new thing to try" would make any difference.  With reservation I entered into an intention to prepare Whole 30 every day for a month (I didn't think I could give up dairy)  I can say I've lost a little weight but the biggest difference is the decrease in headaches and I haven't had a migraine in weeks.  This is a HUGE deal.  I had a 4 day migraine not too long ago.  I've also had enough energy to get more tasks done which helps my overall mental health.  
2. I've noticed I hold onto house and money stress much less than I used too.  I have the resources and calm to do what I can to research and make the best decision available.  10, 15 years ago....that was not me.  I'd call my dad. I'd stress out about who to even call for a specific issue. I'd stress about how much it cost and I'd often wait until the problem was worse and it forced me into action.  

Without these situations, and a few spiritual prompts to look, I wouldn't have noticed God had been succeeding in teaching me how to give up worry and stress.  While it's never fun to be out thousands of dollars, I can honestly say I'm bubbling with joy.  It's inexplicable, it's miraculous, it's God!

Bad day, better attitude

Some days are just designed to be tests.  Today was one of mine.  The first week of Advent is about hope.  It's a time to refocus on what's important.  To live in anticipation of the coming hope.  It's a remembrance of Israel waiting for the Messiah and now for us waiting for the second coming.  One of the questions of reflection asked how I could act with greater kindness and understanding.  So how did I start my day.  By honking at someone pulling illegally through a median.  I fantasized all the way to the doctors office about police chasing them down, imagined pillions shooting up from the road ... It occurred to me that this was not only unproductive but it was setting me up for a poor state of mind.  I hadn't gotten my prayer time in before I had to leave this morning.  By the time I arrived at my appointment I thought I had gotten my mind back on track.

That is until I found out my appointment is tomorrow.  No big deal, misunderstanding.  So I decided to make the most of it.  I went to a nearby park.  It was lovely.  Great view, brisk cool walk.


That is until I went back to my car and figured out I had locked myself out of my car.  Okay, called a friend to pick up my extra keys. Didn't get the right keys.  No big deal, called a locksmith.  Called my mom who said she would bring me coffee.  Out of the blue my husband called and I shared how my day had gone so far.  Got a couple errands done and arrived just in time to meet my mother who had also gotten me lunch.  Got some work done.

That is until I got notice I needed to come to a last minute doc appointment and that the murder mystery party game I've been working my brains off for had a guest cancel.  The key character. Fine, think about it later.  Ran home to pick up medical records.

That is until I'm petting my kitty while she was apparently peeing in my office chair.  

Sometimes life can seem like one big poke in the eye.  I admit that I struggled with my attitude today.  I tried telling God about my day but I wanted to call a friend and complain.  To hear the sympathy.  I'm not sure why we long for someone to Oo in sympathy but find it less satisfying to pour our heart out to the Lord and let it go.  My day wasn't fun but God is very good.  He kept interspersing the annoyances with very clear instances of love and care.  Even on very bad days, there is a choice.  You can drown in the annoyances and probably make a bad day worse.  Or you can see the care and love that is wrapped around you.  Our God is a loving Father.  He knows when we need comfort. You can choose to have a tantrum or you can lean into the loving embrace, take a deep breath and move on.

At the Speed of Life

Being a minion is always hard work.  Time flies by at an alarming rate of schedules, deadlines and innovation.  The first challenge is always placing healthy boundaries so that the ever unmet needs of a charitable organization (shaped by the ever growing number of people they serve) doesn't burn you out.  The second challenge is managing the effects of long term service.  Pastors and ministry leaders take sabbatical for a reason.  Service is exhausting.

I have some wanderlust and my fingers itch to be doing something.  For me, that means that I tend to get my fingers busy doing something and then I'm in direct conflict with my wanderlust.  I know that sometimes life is about repetition.  So how do you keep your charity work from feeling like drudgery.

Doesn't that word sound awful.  Drudgery.  It makes me feel exhausted just saying it.  That idea of slogging through an endless mud pit just trying to find the energy to keep lifting one foot and then another to make your way forward.

Life is about relationship not tasks.  For a personality like mine, that's really hard to remember.  I have to work at remembering to focus on the people I care about.  In the past, I've tried to schedule time but lately I've noticed that I'm remembering to put less and less people on my schedule.  I'm already exhausted and I find the effort of connecting exhausting.  Is it any wonder that my service feels like a drudgery?

If you're feeling like work, service or life is a drudgery I encourage you to take a look at the priority you've placed on relationship in your life.  This isn't about being a social butterfly or pretending to like people you don't.  This is about plugging into the life giving resources God has given you.  Most of us need a reminder to shift our focus solely from tasks to the people we are ultimately doing the tasks for and with.  I'm not saying you lose sight of the finish line, I'm asking you to take your eyes from the line and look into the cheering crowd, glance at your fellow racers and soften your gaze.

Have you see this video.  It's showing different camera focus.  It's a great analogy for life. Sometimes, laser focus is necessary.  It allows you to see a limited amount in great detail.  Sometimes a wider angle is necessary.  It gives you more information in more general detail.  We get stuck seeing things from our favorite perspective.  If you're finding that life is feeling a little drudge-y, ask yourself where your relationships are?  Put your effort into breathing life and focus into your people.  

When was the last time you ask your friends how they were doing and really listened?  When was the last time you gazed into your loved ones face and told them how much you love them?  When was the last time you had a little fun with real people in the same room as you?  

Yeah, me too.  So that's my goal.  I need to shake off the exhaustion that comes from drudgery and reach out to the people in my life.  I need them and they need me.  I'm not serving people with tasks, I'm serving them with care and attention to the fact that they are people.  

Attack and Parry

Since I shared with you all about what the Lord did at Crossfire last week and what I learned from it, it is only right that I share the hard bits too.  This week was not a success at Crossfire for me.  I have worked hard to maintain boundaries because I volunteer for more than one organization.  Up until this point, the boundaries have been fine.  Standing stones respected by all the tribal leaders.  It was good *thumps chest*.  This week the stones cracked and fell partly over.  In my haste to assure the tribal leaders that the standing stones still stood for something even if they had fallen, more stones fell.  It was a stone massacre.

The rest of my day was doomed to be an utter failure.  Nothing was going right!  The list of tasks got longer as I failed to accomplish anything.  I was ready to scream, tear my hair out and cry hysterically.  I'm a dramatic person, could you tell?

So..... Here's what I learned:

1. Trying to explain to someone you don't know how to fix something, when you have demonstrated greater skill than them in a tangential area, is unlikely to cause positive results.  They can't believe you because they can't do it and they know you have done things on that computer so you should be able to figure it out or at least know better then them what to do.  
2. I tend to do two very bad things.  When I'm busy and focused, I'm not nice.  I resent every interruption and friendly hello.  I also paint "the whole day" as a failure.  The truth is the whole day wasn't a failure.  More on that later.
3. Failure is a normal part of life and there are plenty of pithy quotes on the subject like "it's not how you fail it's how you proceed".  While those kinds of thoughts are true in my opinion, here's why.  What you focus on will shape and color your thoughts.  If you focus on your failure; your whole day, year, life, will feel like a failure.  If you focus on what God wants to teach you through a difficult circumstance, what you can do something about in the moment, plugging back into your support group or any number of positive and/or real things....well, suddenly (or gradually depending on how deep and long you've plunged into the depths) the false impression trying to define you can be let go.  It's still a choice, and the feelings might linger, but you can end the narrative of your day differently.
4. I didn't want to have Bible Study after the day I had, but everyone of us has at one time or other had a bad day, thought it would be better if we just laid down and hid, and instead chosen to come and been blessed for it.  Not only was I able to share my burden, which helped me release it, but the act of then turning to the Word of God and being reminded of who He is, took the focus off of me and back where it belonged.  It allowed me to ask Him what He wanted me to learn.  I believe part of what God wanted me to learn is that my worth is not bound to my accomplishments.  One of my longest battles has been with pride.  I like doing well and while that in itself isn't a problem, it can be.  It's an internal focus issue.  Yesterday was a reminder that pride does come before a fall.  Not only did I have a false sense of self, so did others. While I can't alter someone else's expectations of my ability, I can proceed in humility.  What a great reminder that I can't do it all and that's okay.  I wasn't designed to do it all.  
5. After many years battling depression, in part for the above two reasons, I have learned to recognize the signs and I know what to do to counteract them.  It's hard.  Very hard.  But today I can start again, prioritize and proceed.  After all, a minion doesn't quit.  They just have an adventure trying to accomplish the task!  
   

I love stories, but several things in my life have reminded me that the heroes, sidekicks, antiheroes and minions all proceed through the story filled with hurtles, hardships, setbacks and failures.  No one skips from start of quest to triumphant ending.  That would be a terrible story.  So today I'm choosing to think of life as an adventure!  Bring on the Fire Swamp!

*EDIT*
Thinking you've learned a good lesson and facing the day thinking you'll be able to keep a good perspective on problems doesn't mean you won't have hard things happen.  Almost cried three times today but I kept it together.  Life is hard sometimes and it takes fortitude.  Especially when there is nothing you can do but wallow or release.  Being reminded of lost dreams while you're being introduced to new lost hopes was not a great follow up to yesterday, but that's what today has brought.  So once again, I have a choice.  I can wallow and sink or I can let it go and tread water.  I know which one I feel like doing, but I also know which one I'm going to chose.