Self Discovery on an Adventure: The Bad Stuff

I don't think I've made it clear to everyone that I recently got the chance to go on an adventure in Great Britain.  My group had been planning for about a year and we thought we were pretty well prepared (You can check out the previous installments here first and here second to see how that went). Travel is great because it's full of new experiences, sights and adventures.  It can also be full of exhaustion, confusion and short tempers.  In my pursuit of an adventure to find God in my everyday I discovered some things about myself in the testing ground that the trip became that I was pretty ashamed of.  So what do you do when you discover unpleasant things about yourself when you're supposed to be having an adventure?

My hubby and I went to Great Britain back in our second year of marriage with a friend.  It was an amazing opportunity and I really enjoyed myself.  We had a great time.  Here's the thing, our travel companion thought I had the worst time ever.  Why?  I was overweight and generally unhappy.  It was my normal at the time.  I was getting used to having a chronic illness and getting used to being a wife. 

Complaint was a normal part of my language.  I have since been called out for complaining which made me aware of what I thought was "sharing" and was really the symptom of a heart problem.  That first time to Great Britain was full of great memories but it was a great lesson afterward as I got feedback from my friend.  It made me aware of the attitudes I wear.  

This latest adventure to Great Britain was like a mirror of the first time.  I watched as my travel companion struggled and a completely unexpected thing happened.  I was impatient.  I am appalled to admit it.  Even now I feel ashamed of myself.  My previous esperience should have prompted me to greater understanding and compassion.  Instead, I kept trying to make things better with more planning, adjustments to the schedule, and trying to interact less with my companions.  The truth is, how I do things isn't how my companions did things.  While this led to further frustration, it didn't have too.  Once misunderstanding took root, every word seemed to have the potential to be hurtful.  I tried to fix it by talking less which ended up coming across as passive aggressive and sulky.  I hate those words.  They are ugly words and I hate imagining myself wearing them.

People wear all kinds of weird stuff when they go on vacation.  Stuff they would never wear at home.  Plaid beanies, Hawaiian shirts, lederhosen.  It seems we also wear our dirty laundry.  The secret things we say in the privacy of our minds that we dismiss at home because we can easily brush them aside.  In our safe places, in our familiar, we indulge in them like pieces of chocolate because we can be alone.  We don't have to constantly be on our best behavior.  On a trip, or outside our comfort zones, or during times of exhaustion and pain, there is no where to hide.  Those things we think in the privacy of our mind become an internal snide commentary that makes its way onto our face and out of our mouths.  

During the course of any adventure it is always wise to be aware of tensions and to ask yourself: 

1. Is my behavior adding to or subtracting from the experience we are having?
2. What lingering dark place in your heart came out of your mouth in a moment of weakness?
3. What am I going to do about it?

For Biblical and practical reasons the first thing you need to do about it is confess it to God and then go and apologize to your companions.  Getting it resolved gives everyone the best chance to reset and get on with having a great time.  Once that is done, I find it very useful to write it down and talk to God about it in detail.  While the immediate weakness of exhaustion and stress will go away, the underlying issue that it exposed is something you want to bring to the Light.

   

Discovering unpleasant things about yourself on an adventure gives you the gift of insight.  The opportunity to bring those things before the Lord, confess them, and ask Him to weed them out of your thought closet (to borrow a turn of phrase from Jennifer Rothschild).  It's hard, and it's ugly, but I can't think of a better memento to bring back from any vacation.

I hope my travel companions will look back on this adventure and forget the tensions, spats, pain and frustrations.  I hope they will remember the adventure for the exciting and new experience it was.  Either way, I know I'm praising God for using the adventure to teach me more about Him and who He wants me to be.    

When the Joy Fades

Something hit me this week.  I almost forgot I was living an adventure.  It's so easy to do in the midst of the every day but in that moment I recognized I didn’t have as intimate a relationship with God as I had been experiencing.  If you’ve been following my blog you know I was on a high of epic proportions.  I was having such an amazing time of intimacy with the Lord I was giddy with joy and it was intoxicating.  In that state I asked God if I was not obeying His direction to clear my schedule of tasks and just rest in Him.  In response I delayed one of my Bible Studies and two of the others canceled their meetings for the week due to weather.  I thought to myself, this is a direct reflection of how much God loves me.  He cleared my schedule,  I didn’t have too.   I found myself in the glorious place where I had no Bible study homework for a whole week!  Then one of my studies canceled again and I walked into that next week without opening God’s Word at all.  I had forgotten Him, let my mind wander to amusements to occupy my mind and mundane tasks.  I no longer was full of joy, exuberant with energy as I went on the treasure hunt to find God.  I can feel the difference to my very core and the loss was...profound.  That time of intimacy is over...for now. 

It seems so innocent now.  God gave me a gift which I loved and cherished and then let that gift take my eyes off of my Savior.  I slide away because I wasn’t spending time with God.  Was it a sin to take a break from so many Bible Studies, no.  Was it a sin to make that gift an idol that replaced my God, yes.  I knew that time of intimacy with my Savior would come to an end some day and God had already planted the seed to create a reminder of that time.  My mother used to tell me when I came back from summer camp all jazzed up and on fire for the Lord that not all of life was a mountain top experience.  (Mine were literal and figurative) We will have troubles, we will pass through valley’s and we will have the treacherous climbs up and down those breathtaking peaks.  Our lives are a series of different seasons.  They flow and ebb and change. 

The treacherous climbs and dark valleys are part of the journey.  God doesn’t sit us on the mountaintops forever because we won’t grow.  What I learned during my time of intimacy with God will bolster me on the road ahead and give me the foundation which God will test and try as He sets it firmly in my soul.  He will hammer and shove and shimmy that stone until it is level.  

I know I’ll get back to that time of intimacy.  I know God will continue to teach me.  Preparing my soul for the next climb up to the mountain top where I will once again gaze lovingly and uninhibited at my Lord’s face.  I hope it’s soon.  I miss that giddy sensation but I know eventually that “feeling” would become an idol as well.  If you haven’t been feeling as close to God lately, search for why.  Is it because you have forgotten Him in the midst of your everyday, is it because there is a blockage, is it because God is trying to teach you He is still present and you just have to trust and believe?  Start searching for Him again.  You will find Him and every new discovery will bring you closer to recognizing Him in your every day.

Temper Tantrums

I was thinking about how rebellious we are as a species.  No matter how young or old, we all have moments where we have temper tantrums.  It came up as I was talking with a friend about health and the little ways we sabotage ourselves.

I myself am quite the stubborn lamb.  As a sufferer from chronic health issues I have tried almost all the things.  I have tried to politely smile and thank well meaning acquaintances who ask if I've tried A, B or C.  I have tried to shake off the comments about my health problems being my fault.  I have tried enough mainstream and alternative medicines to "fix" my issues that I've developed a bit of a problem.  I will only give any new "cure" a month.  Some of the suggested fixes are quite unpleasant and for me having a set end date was part of my mental defense for giving solution "x" every chance to work.  I would do everything they asked of me....for a month.  And when it didn't work, because let's face it, nothing had yet, I wouldn't be surprised and I wouldn't have invested hope falsely.

Sometimes what health professionals ask of us sounds so ridiculous.  At least it does to me.  I honestly believe (and therefore act out) that what they're asking of me couldn't possibly make a difference. This is apparently not uncommon.  The training my friend is going through to become a therapist is asking some great questions of her.  She was stuck on a particular one when we met for tea and so she asked me my opinion.

"What do you say to a client who is clearly not doing the work at home that you have assigned"

I understand the question from the clients side and after talking it through, she realized she did too.  We all have things that raise our hackles and set our stubborn feet.  We all, at every age and type, have little temper tantrums when we say in the privacy of our own minds, "Well, I'll show you!"   It's counter productive in the extreme and doesn't help anybody.

There are many ways that my stubborn streak has caused me harm.  My health being one of the biggest areas it has effected.  In order to prove to the therapist and "everybody else" that I'm not lazy, lying or faking it, I do everything they tell me even when it is painful and causing more health issues.  I don't talk about it.  They didn't want to hear me when I told them it won't work, then fine.  I'll show them!  Sometimes I completely ignore health workers advice because it sounds so far-fetched.  Like eating at specific times of the day....how could that possibly be the reason I'm not losing weight?!?

The real problem is that I have already decided that it's not going to work.  That belief effects the outcome.  It makes it more likely that I will not comply with what is being asked of me, either through omission or through stubborn belligerence.  It is ultimately a waste of my time and whichever health practitioner I am currently seeing.

Entering into any activity should always be done with eyes wide open.  Being on the lookout for red flags and warning signs is always wise.  We should be searching for God in the everyday and that means even the things we consider mundane.  It is always walking forward, searching actively....never with neck outstretched, heals dug in, weight shifting to our rumps.  Your stubbornness will never take you where you want to go.  It will only keep you where you are.

If where you're walking isn't working, then change your course, don't fight to stay where you are.

Jeremiah 7:24 ESV 

But they did not obey or incline their ear, but walked in their own counsels and the stubbornness of their evil hearts, and went backward and not forward.

So I was thinking

Last week was rough.  I was under spiritual attack.  Spiritual attacks are the worst because they don't come from one direction.  Whatever is going on in your life...that's the direction.  Knowing that it's happening does a few things for you though.  It helps you gain perspective and choose to have a better attitude about it.  It also reminds you that maybe you weren't spending as much time with the Lord as you needed too.  Having long term health issues leaves my body drained.  I wake up exhausted on most days and I've got a long to do list that I sometimes have to set aside to lay down for a bit.  I should be sitting at my Father's feet, clinging to his shins, for the strength I need on a daily basis but I have a couple of problems.  Pride and depression.  In the struggle for every day, I forget to put on the armor of God.  I forget that God is my source and I continue to pour out without being filled.
The next month is going to have some unique challenges but that's only because I have projects that are coming due and I've now left myself in the unenviable position of force marching myself to complete the tasks.  It's nothing unusual.  It's life.

So because I like sharing my to do lists with you on occasion...feel free to stop reading now. ;)

Deadline: November

I've started the planning for this years murder mystery.  Idea and concept.  Now all I have to do is write it all.

Deadline: Feels more imminent than it probably is

Read and review a book for family

Start on project I think God is asking me to do or at least preparing me to do or wants me to say yes to.  This one's been on my mind.  I think God wants me to write a book.  So I've been pondering the first question.  Fiction or Non-Fiction.  My knee jerk reaction was to write a Non-Fiction (shocking I know) but the main doubts that have assailed me are these.  Non-Fiction, in my opinion falls into two categories, research and opinion and mostly the first one falls into the second one.  So that requires that either I am an expert or people want to hear my opinion.  You see my dilemma.  Ultimately I am going to step out in faith that God asked this of me and so I'm going to do it.  But it's put a kink in settling on what exactly I'm going to attempt to write.  I'm not stressing yet.  I'm pretty sure God's clearing my schedule starting in September.  I just know that starting the prep work is a vital part of being prepared when God asks you to move.  If He's given me warning in advance, it's for this very purpose, to prepare.

Deadline: September

Comic Con Costumes.  I've told you all what we're doing this year but other than sewing a practice skirt and making a half-hearted attempt at lekku, I've done nothing.  I keep thinking it's because we might lose more weight but I really should be completing these.  I can take them in if I have to but it's got to get done and really I should be doing this instead of the less firm deadline ones.

In addition to these, I still have the marketing for Crossfire and Petrie's and two Bible Studies and the jail and the rest of normal life.  Feels like more than it is.  This week is going to be full of appointments, obligations, growing pains and the firm understanding that I have no choice but to sit at my Father's feet and listen, praise, worship, and be filled.

To my audience of One

Life is a constant state of learning.  I don't mean education per se.  I mean learning.  To varying degrees, depending on the individuals interest and motivation, we all educate ourselves formally or informally.  The modern age has given us educational videos that can teach us anything from how to shave a cat to how an engine works.

I've always seen myself as something of a Jill of all trades and master of none.  Being a perfectionist is a very awkward combination for that particular trait.  If I'm not instantly good at something, I will most likely put it off until I can't possibly do a good job or give up in a melodramatic pity dive into the bed.  You think I'm kidding...ha ha...yeeeeah.  This is not a mature thing to do.  I know this.  I've never had the discipline or stamina to practice enough to get really good at something.  I try stuff, I fail, I half succeed and mostly I fill in until the people who are actually good at this stuff get there.  That's my place.  The in betweener.

This hasn't really inspired a purpose.

As I look forward to the next part of my journey, I know I'm going to be super critical of anything I create.  I don't want my critical nature to stop me from taking the journey and I know part of that is going to be educating myself on how to do a good job and practicing.  So here's to making the effort.  Here's to learning how.  Here's to trying anyway.  Here's to casting aside doubt and negativity and fear.  Here's to life.

Mile markers

Thursday, June 8th, I did something terrifying.  I asked God to give me adventure.

Let me back up for a second.  My friend Pam and I have been doing a Bible Study together on Wednesdays for a while now.  God has really been using them to speak to both of us.  That week, one of the questions asked what our soul was hungry and thirsty for.  The study is about modern day idols and the question was meant to remind us that God meets our needs.  I had a few things I put on that list but the very first one is adventure.  If you had asked me that question when I was a teenager my answer would have been the same.  Belle was my role model in a lot of ways.  Strangely enough, when I thought about it, I had never come before the Lord with that hunger.  Even now I get a thrill of terror presenting it to Him.  It's not because I'm afraid He'll tell me it's a wrong desire.  It's because I'm afraid He might actually give it to me.

I've avoided asking God for a lot of big things.  There have been a couple of memories that have stuck with me and shaped what I was and was not willing to ask God for.  When I was in college we had mandatory chapel.  One of the guest speakers told a story that I will paraphrase for you.  Someone asked God to give them humility and so they split their pants on the way up to speak in front of a large crowd and were thoroughly humiliated.    I think it was meant to be a joke to loosen up the audience but that is all  I remember of what that speaker said.  Despite the fact I struggle with pride, I have been loath to ask God for humility because of that story.

I know that my idea of adventure is an idealized, romanticized version.  I know for sure that God's idea of adventure is different than mine.  His thoughts are higher than my thoughts after all.  But God has been working on softening up my heart and helping me to build trust and asking Him for something that is a long term hunger of my soul is only good and right because pursuing other things to fill that need are idols plain and simple.

So I thought it was important to put a date on this important occasion so that everything that happens next will be viewed in light of the fact that I asked for it.

Don't worry, I'm not injured.  It was a crime scene reenactment for teaching purposes. (Thanks Mark for the pic and the amazing makeup.  I totally freaked people out!  It was awesome)

I'm writing this today because two big things have happened since that prayer and it just occurred to me that I need to view them in light of a prayer for something big.  I was asked to help on a project that I ...well, I can't talk about it but the timing and nature of the request is terrifying and miraculous.  I remember being told that if we feel like life has us a little bit out of control it might be the perfect position to be in because that might mean God is in control and we need to stop trying to take the wheel back.  That's what this feels like.  My insecurities and fears keep trying to jump up and get my attention and they're just not sticking because I am going to live this next step in my life as if I'm following God's will and have nothing to fear, because I am!  

The second thing that has happened are some profound questions about my purpose.  God is literally clearing the way for something in my life.  Without kids or career, am I serving the Lord with everything I have?  Those questions have prompted some dreams I had back-burnered as ridiculous.  I'm going to give it a shot and, succeed or fail, I'm going to try and glorify the Lord to the best of my ability and that will never be a waste.  

Advent

The holidays can be a challenging time of year for many.  The lists get longer, the stress gets bigger and the demands on our time grow.  My friend, Pam, and I decided this holiday we were going to do an Advent Bible Study.  In addition we are going to pray specifically for requests that line up with the weeks of Advent.  I am personally adding in a month of prayer discipline.
The end of the year tends to be, at least for me, filled with some annoying stressful things that make me think the entire year stunk.  (This is helped along by the fact that I usually haven't given myself a period of rest from the never ending tasks on my to do list).  This year, I don't want to be focused on the stress.  I want to focus on my Savior.  To participate in the anticipation of His coming.

So here's to an end of the year filled with anticipation not of things but of hope!

Here's to an end of the year meant to set up the beginning of the new year with success!

Here's to growth in areas of value!



As far as the prayer discipline, I wanted to share what I'm doing.
I have a hard time praying for a few reasons.  The first being that my head is so full of tasks and thoughts I can't seem to maintain a quite time of prayer for any length of time.  The second is I've had some heartbreak in the area of prayer I thought was answered and seemingly isn't.  I'm working on these in two ways.  I'm going to start a prayer log.  I think typing out my prayers will force me to focus and help me keep a record.  I'm also going to allow my brain a period of time to think about everything I have to do that day and I'm going to write it down.  I'll give it a  to do list to show my brain I heard it and I'll get to it in due time.  My prayer is that this will allow me the space to focus on God.  So here's my to do list for today.  Now to prayer!

Attack and Parry

Since I shared with you all about what the Lord did at Crossfire last week and what I learned from it, it is only right that I share the hard bits too.  This week was not a success at Crossfire for me.  I have worked hard to maintain boundaries because I volunteer for more than one organization.  Up until this point, the boundaries have been fine.  Standing stones respected by all the tribal leaders.  It was good *thumps chest*.  This week the stones cracked and fell partly over.  In my haste to assure the tribal leaders that the standing stones still stood for something even if they had fallen, more stones fell.  It was a stone massacre.

The rest of my day was doomed to be an utter failure.  Nothing was going right!  The list of tasks got longer as I failed to accomplish anything.  I was ready to scream, tear my hair out and cry hysterically.  I'm a dramatic person, could you tell?

So..... Here's what I learned:

1. Trying to explain to someone you don't know how to fix something, when you have demonstrated greater skill than them in a tangential area, is unlikely to cause positive results.  They can't believe you because they can't do it and they know you have done things on that computer so you should be able to figure it out or at least know better then them what to do.  
2. I tend to do two very bad things.  When I'm busy and focused, I'm not nice.  I resent every interruption and friendly hello.  I also paint "the whole day" as a failure.  The truth is the whole day wasn't a failure.  More on that later.
3. Failure is a normal part of life and there are plenty of pithy quotes on the subject like "it's not how you fail it's how you proceed".  While those kinds of thoughts are true in my opinion, here's why.  What you focus on will shape and color your thoughts.  If you focus on your failure; your whole day, year, life, will feel like a failure.  If you focus on what God wants to teach you through a difficult circumstance, what you can do something about in the moment, plugging back into your support group or any number of positive and/or real things....well, suddenly (or gradually depending on how deep and long you've plunged into the depths) the false impression trying to define you can be let go.  It's still a choice, and the feelings might linger, but you can end the narrative of your day differently.
4. I didn't want to have Bible Study after the day I had, but everyone of us has at one time or other had a bad day, thought it would be better if we just laid down and hid, and instead chosen to come and been blessed for it.  Not only was I able to share my burden, which helped me release it, but the act of then turning to the Word of God and being reminded of who He is, took the focus off of me and back where it belonged.  It allowed me to ask Him what He wanted me to learn.  I believe part of what God wanted me to learn is that my worth is not bound to my accomplishments.  One of my longest battles has been with pride.  I like doing well and while that in itself isn't a problem, it can be.  It's an internal focus issue.  Yesterday was a reminder that pride does come before a fall.  Not only did I have a false sense of self, so did others. While I can't alter someone else's expectations of my ability, I can proceed in humility.  What a great reminder that I can't do it all and that's okay.  I wasn't designed to do it all.  
5. After many years battling depression, in part for the above two reasons, I have learned to recognize the signs and I know what to do to counteract them.  It's hard.  Very hard.  But today I can start again, prioritize and proceed.  After all, a minion doesn't quit.  They just have an adventure trying to accomplish the task!  
   

I love stories, but several things in my life have reminded me that the heroes, sidekicks, antiheroes and minions all proceed through the story filled with hurtles, hardships, setbacks and failures.  No one skips from start of quest to triumphant ending.  That would be a terrible story.  So today I'm choosing to think of life as an adventure!  Bring on the Fire Swamp!

*EDIT*
Thinking you've learned a good lesson and facing the day thinking you'll be able to keep a good perspective on problems doesn't mean you won't have hard things happen.  Almost cried three times today but I kept it together.  Life is hard sometimes and it takes fortitude.  Especially when there is nothing you can do but wallow or release.  Being reminded of lost dreams while you're being introduced to new lost hopes was not a great follow up to yesterday, but that's what today has brought.  So once again, I have a choice.  I can wallow and sink or I can let it go and tread water.  I know which one I feel like doing, but I also know which one I'm going to chose.

My made up life

This year we had to make the difficult decision to stop pursuing an adoption from China. In our minds, this has pretty much ended our pursuit for children all together. Unless God drops a child in our lap, we're done trying to make it happen. This has been very emotional, as you might imagine. I brush past the 14 years we planned and prayed.  Sometimes its easier just to say it quick and without flourish.  The truth is I didn't want to tempt myself into a Sarai move.  I knew the only way to keep myself from trying to take control and make it happen was to give it up.  Giving up is hard to mesh with belief.  Near impossible.  I have doubted that we heard from the Lord.  I've questioned everything I thought and believed all those years.  But like most things we long for for a long time, the loss can be a gift if we let it.  

We have had a name picked out for our little girl for close to 7 years.  

Isabel Lynn. 

Isn't that a lovely name. It's the middle names of both John and I's mothers. To take the sting off the loss of what I'm sure would have been a beautiful little girl, I've created a little imaginary family. Lets face it. Everyone my age has children and its the focus of their lives as it should be. School, adorable outfits, messes, the cute things they say. 

So I had a second imaginary little girl. 

Amanda Belle. 

It's the perfect name for our second imaginary child.

Just recently I had my third imaginary child. Our first boy. 

Wesley Liam. 

My mom and I have had a fake argument about what I name my son. I have always wanted to name him Daniel but she said we have too many and I couldn't name him that. I'm pleased with the compromise. They're the perfect names for my children. 

That's my imaginary family.  Isabel is a spunky kid, Amanda a quiet reader and poor Wesley just has too many strong females in the house.  He'll find his way.

It's a silly little dream.  The kind of thing a mother hopes for.  I won't ever have to come to grips with the disillusion of what I hope for my children verses what they become because they are their own person and will eventually decide who they really want to be.

The dream is insubstantial, as dreams are.  It doesn't fill the hole.  It never will.  But I keep coming back and gazing at these names.  Not often, but I do.  I have no idea what they look like because what they look like doesn't matter one jot to me.  All I have are three beautiful names.