yarn on the finger

What does a piece of string on the finger mean?  It was a way to remind yourself of something before iPhones and personal assistant devices.  People used to actually do this.  Tie a string or bit of yarn or ribbon around their finger to help them remember something.  Or at least to help you remember that you were suppose to remember something.

I was having quiet time this morning and thinking about how sweet my time with the Lord has been.  I can't remember a time when it has been this fulfilling and intimate and then it hit me.  I couldn't remember... Had I ever had a time of close relationship with the Lord and just forgotten?

I don't want to forget this time in my life.  It's amazing and precious and I have a suspicion it's going to have to sustain me for what is coming next.  So... how to remember.

This blog is a first step.  Writing it down so you can revisit the memory is certainly a good beginning.  Especially if you like re-reading your journal or blog entries.  I do.

The last time I wanted to remember something important, God was bringing me to a lot of passages telling the story of the standing stones of Israel and how they were supposed to be a reminder for generations of what the Lord had done for Israel.  We made stepping stones and stamped in verses and put in meaningful bric-a-brac to remind us of God's provision and adoption.

Mulch has mostly covered them over the years and painful memories have kept me from spending time thanking the Lord for how he has moved in our past, present and will move in our future.  I'll be sweeping those off and doing so now.  I'll continue to explore this idea of remembering what the Lord is doing so I don't forget later.

In the meantime, how do you remember what the Lord has done for you?

Beginnings and endings

It has been a very long time since I could say I've had a good start to the year.  I really can't remember a time I had a great end to the year.  I am fully aware that I am a pessimist (or as any pessimist would say, a realist).  I don't know about you, but by the time I get to the end of the year all the little stresses, drama and things that go wrong set me in a mental place that says "this has been a crappy year".  Does that happen to you?  A few things going wrong at the end of the year color how I see the rest of the year and really set my mentality for the coming year.  I've allowed this pattern to continue unnoticed for years.  Looking back now I can see that this was a result of exhaustion from over working myself all year and the stress of expectation at the holidays.  Can anyone relate?  I can look back at it because this year was different.  Beautifully, wonderfully different!

Here's what changed.

I have some amazing women of God in my life.  I have been blessed, even though they are now in different states, to continue to study the word of God with them.  Last year we read a book on advent which was really good.  This year, to continue the practice of anticipation of the coming Savior, we decided to practice gratitude.  Every day in the month of December we would text each other something we were thankful for.

It was GLORIOUS!

Not only did I search my days for something to be thankful for, even the bad days, I got to share in the joy of my friends.  As I searched my days for gratitude, I found it.  That gratitude allowed me to look back on the rest of my year with the same.  It's even spilled over into how I am starting my new year.  I have never had such a close, vibrant walk with the Lord.  (There are a couple reasons for this but for the purposes of this blog it all started with an attitude of gratitude)  

I've been told over the years that thankfulness and gratitude were necessary to a vibrant life.  My grumpy Gus self grimaced at this.  I was not required by the Lord to be happy, I only had to have Joy.  Joy is a choice, not an emotion I would smugly say.  Yeah, I know...sad.  I was.  I still struggle with sorrow.  But today, and for the last month and a half, I have had joy.  I've had abundant life!  I've even been....giddy.  While the happy, giddy excitement may be gone tomorrow, the practice of joy and gratitude will stay with me.  I feel light because I have exchanged my burdens of worry, stress and annoyance for the much better gift of gratitude.  

For those of you who are not predisposed to joy...it's okay, you can get there.  For those of you who have happy in the bag, good on ya.  This will still help you.  Whether you've set your resolutions for the year or not you can still set goals and intentions that will help you throughout the year.  So here's my challenge to you.

Find someone you can email, text or talk to every day for 30 days.  Every day, share with each other something you're thankful or grateful for.  If you don't need a full 30 days (to be honest I think everyone could use a gratitude refresher)  or if you have done a 30 day and need a gratitude booster, then try a 7 day.  Don't worry if some of your hard days leave it hard to find something to be thankful for, search anyway and come up with something.  I kid you not, one of my days I shared that I was grateful I was sick on Christmas.  I meant it.  I was grateful.  It took me a month of practice to get there but the previous hard days had taught me to search every new situation for something to be thankful for so I had something to share.  You can too!

Keep at it and by all means, tell me how it goes!

Mile markers

Thursday, June 8th, I did something terrifying.  I asked God to give me adventure.

Let me back up for a second.  My friend Pam and I have been doing a Bible Study together on Wednesdays for a while now.  God has really been using them to speak to both of us.  That week, one of the questions asked what our soul was hungry and thirsty for.  The study is about modern day idols and the question was meant to remind us that God meets our needs.  I had a few things I put on that list but the very first one is adventure.  If you had asked me that question when I was a teenager my answer would have been the same.  Belle was my role model in a lot of ways.  Strangely enough, when I thought about it, I had never come before the Lord with that hunger.  Even now I get a thrill of terror presenting it to Him.  It's not because I'm afraid He'll tell me it's a wrong desire.  It's because I'm afraid He might actually give it to me.

I've avoided asking God for a lot of big things.  There have been a couple of memories that have stuck with me and shaped what I was and was not willing to ask God for.  When I was in college we had mandatory chapel.  One of the guest speakers told a story that I will paraphrase for you.  Someone asked God to give them humility and so they split their pants on the way up to speak in front of a large crowd and were thoroughly humiliated.    I think it was meant to be a joke to loosen up the audience but that is all  I remember of what that speaker said.  Despite the fact I struggle with pride, I have been loath to ask God for humility because of that story.

I know that my idea of adventure is an idealized, romanticized version.  I know for sure that God's idea of adventure is different than mine.  His thoughts are higher than my thoughts after all.  But God has been working on softening up my heart and helping me to build trust and asking Him for something that is a long term hunger of my soul is only good and right because pursuing other things to fill that need are idols plain and simple.

So I thought it was important to put a date on this important occasion so that everything that happens next will be viewed in light of the fact that I asked for it.

Don't worry, I'm not injured.  It was a crime scene reenactment for teaching purposes. (Thanks Mark for the pic and the amazing makeup.  I totally freaked people out!  It was awesome)

I'm writing this today because two big things have happened since that prayer and it just occurred to me that I need to view them in light of a prayer for something big.  I was asked to help on a project that I ...well, I can't talk about it but the timing and nature of the request is terrifying and miraculous.  I remember being told that if we feel like life has us a little bit out of control it might be the perfect position to be in because that might mean God is in control and we need to stop trying to take the wheel back.  That's what this feels like.  My insecurities and fears keep trying to jump up and get my attention and they're just not sticking because I am going to live this next step in my life as if I'm following God's will and have nothing to fear, because I am!  

The second thing that has happened are some profound questions about my purpose.  God is literally clearing the way for something in my life.  Without kids or career, am I serving the Lord with everything I have?  Those questions have prompted some dreams I had back-burnered as ridiculous.  I'm going to give it a shot and, succeed or fail, I'm going to try and glorify the Lord to the best of my ability and that will never be a waste.