Comparison - Inspiration or Pitfall?

Greetings you awesome people!  God has been working on something in me for a while and so today I'd like to talk about comparisons.  There are a couple reasons for this.  

One -  the blogging/writing word demands that you self promote until your sick of yourself, and the idea you ever wanted to be a writer in the first place, much less have time for actual writing.  All of this means you are constantly looking at other peoples stuff so that you can figure out how to do the blogging/writing thing better.  

Two -  it's a common problem.  It isn't reserved exclusively to us creative, writer types either.  It feels pretty impossible not to compare ourselves to others.

The problem of comparison is a tricky one because it has some slippery slopes that lead most people to recommend you avoid the hill all together but that's not really practical.  Learning and growing usually requires reference material.  Looking at a reference means you are looking at someone with more skill than you.  In fact, Jesus is our ultimate reference material.  The ideal to which we strive but will never attain on this side of heaven.  Not to mention we are observational creatures.  We look around.  We see stuff.  Some of that stuff is what we want for ourselves.  It can inspire, or it can lead us into a pit.

One of my groups of Bible Study ladies felt prompted to start a study on this subject and so we went and picked up the new Lifeway Study, Rachel & Leah.  At the time we decided to start this study, each of the ladies in my group shared how they were struggling with comparision in their lives.  For me, it was looking at all these well put together websites, social media accounts and blogs.  It was observing those who had acheived a level of success in writing and recognizing my lack of skill in comparison.  It was disheartening.  What's worse, I didn't think I had a comparison problem until I was prompted to share.  

This is going to be a mini review of the study itself because the journey that my group is on can't be communicated without sharing how we're interacting with the Bible Study.  

We don't like it.  Each of us has struggled to get meaning or insight or connection with any part of this study.  Some of that is because we just think differently than the author.  Some of it is because my ladies have been in consistent Bible Studies for decades and this study is just not our speed.  It doesn't erase the need or the prompt we've had to address our comparision issues.  We are praying this study has impact because it's a neccessary topic but we've been disappointed that this wasn't the huge revelation we expected when God lead us to this study.

Well, God wasn't finished with me yet.  My husband and I just started attending a new church in our area and in the bulletin was an invitation to a Summer Ladies Small Group covering the book, Unseen.  I stepped out of my comfort zone and decided to join.  I knew from the description I saw of the book that this is what I needed to continue the learning process of addressing comparison in my life.  I'm only two chapters in at this point but I can tell you God is building a lesson plan for me.  A side quest on my adventure.  A beautiful reminder that what I see as delays on my journey towards something amazing or significant aren't delays at all.  

Comparison can be a tool that you use to inspire yourself; to give you hope that, with endurance and practice, you too can reach your goal.  It can also be a tool you use to build envy, resentment, despair and surrender.  

There are many ways to combat negative comparision but I'm going to start with what I believe is the foundation.  As I have been reading Unseen, I began to look at how I viewed my mundane moments. If my mundane, nowhere, "normal", boring moments are actually the perfect opportunity to hang out with my best friend, that changes everything.  Doing chores is so much more enjoyable when done with a friend nearby to have a conversation with.  

And suddenly we aren't comparing our lack against someone else's bounty because we are full up!  Your bounty may be different than mine but we can rejoice in our mutual abundance!  

God is always going to be the catalyst to a healthy view of your life.  I can look at my friends immaculate taste in design and sigh with joy or sigh with envy. I'd rather sigh with joy and share in the look on God's face as He looks with love on His precious daughter.

I do recommend you pick up Unseen.  I invite you to join me in reading it.  Let's talk!  Your invited to come on the journey with me.

Linkups:

   

Balancing Act

I was watching a Korean escape room live action show this week.  That sounds weird doesn't it.  I do believe I warned you that I was an Odd Duck.  One of the challenges had the teams trying to solve a puzzle that involved weights that they had to pass from one side of a platform to the other while the whole team stood on it and had to keep the platform balanced.  Each over correction or miscommunication in the team sent the platform tilting into the penalty zone.  It got me thinking about balance.  In this season of rest that God asked me to enter into, I have been struggling.  One of the reasons I don't like resting is that I feel predisposed to laziness.  In my youth I poured out prayers to God asking Him to give me discipline.  I've always known that I had a problem.  It's one of the things I liked least about myself growing up.  Those people that know me now laugh at this idea.  I'm always busy.  I've got a schedule that has to be carefully maintained.  But that's the thing, I schedule.  I to do list.  I took my desire for discipline and I built a framework that would allow me to maintain it.  This season of rest has shone a spot light on the fact that without my careful constructs, I still don't have any discipline.

I knew that God had some things to teach me during this time of rest and it was clear from the start that when He asked me to clear my schedule, He meant it.  Just like God didn't move in Abram's life until after he had done ALL of what God asked of him (see Gen 12:1).  God told him to leave country and family behind but he couldn't do it.  He traveled with his nephew for a time but didn't get further direction from God until he parted ways with his family like God had asked him too.  So I set aside my scheduler and my to do lists.  They have been sitting blank and forlorn for weeks.  I blocked out huge swaths before our Hawaii trip to remind me that I didn't have tasks to do, I had rest.  

There is definitely a lesson in reminding yourself that obeying all of what God has asked of you is important.  Lifting one finger on the clenched fist you have around the thing He's asked you to let go of is not obedience.  It's a step in the right direction but it is not the end of the journey.  

So here I sit, feeling adrift.  What exactly is God asking me to do.  I've got things I could be doing but without my schedule and my to do list....I've done pretty much nothing.  I wasn't even spending quiet time with God for a while, which was not okay.  What exactly did God mean for me to be doing while resting.  It can't seriously be nothing, because that's awful, and yet that's what I was doing.  That's why this moment on the TV program hit me.  Life in general seems to be a balancing act.  We're trying to maintain moderation and sanity.  I didn't realize how often I tilted on a huge fulcrum.  All busy or all lazy.  Frantically over balancing myself trying to correct, leaning too far one way or the other.  So afraid of leaning to the lazy that I never even attempted to correct my seriously tilted life.  

Most people would tell you that the secret to physical balance is all about staying centered and micro corrections.  But stress responses usually throw that knowledge right out the window.  Just like physical challenges that affect balance, we have mental traumas that can have the same effect. It can start to feel like the deck is stacked against us when it comes to balance.  It's easy to forget the easiest trick to maintaining proper balance...

a point of focus.

You see, over correcting my flaws is what happens when I take control of trying to fix them.  

So, I'm learning in the quiet to do one thing.  Focus on my Savior.

How about you?  Have you over over corrected your balance?  Do you need to take some time to refocus and regain your balance?  You're not alone.

Linkups:

   

God Holds my Purpose

For the last few months, as God has asked me to rest and as He's given me hints that He's preparing me for something, I've been thinking about my purpose.  I've been thinking about it because the enemy and my own rebellious flesh have been whispering doubts to me.  Who are you?  What could you possibly offer? What are you even for?  You have no purpose!  

Doubts are poisonous little things.  They worm their way into your thinking and deep into your heart and from there your actions and words flow.  

You act under the assumption that your doubt is based in truth.

I don't know about you but for me my doubts, upon examination, tend to be broad.  They're broad because being specific wouldn't allow my mind to blanket attach "proof".  See, you failed that one time, so you're a failure.  See, you haven't done anything meaningful with your life.

Big questions like "Who are you?" and "What is your Purpose in life?" are the wrong kind of question.  They can be answered but only with the broad type of  answer that the questions demands.  Who am I?  A daughter of the King.  Who am I? Loved by a God who calls me by name.  What is my purpose? To go and make disciples.  What is my purpose? To glorify God.

If I'm being honest, I find those kinds of answers wholly unsatisfying when I'm in the grip of doubt.  They feel like Sunday School answers.  Empty and flat.  Something learned by rote.  They are absolutely true and I know they are, but it feels so inadequate and small.  So, how do you combat that feeling?  How do you find God, real and present, in your journey when doubts are being spit at you like jungle darts from the shadows?

You investigate of course!  At least that's what I've been doing.  I ask God a lot of questions.  It's just in my nature to want to understand and I have been delighted to discover that asking God questions does not mean I question His holiness or sovereignty.  I have been even more delighted to discover that He hears me and answers!  

Doubt settles easily on our shoulders and causes them to droop and hunch in defeat.  It feels so much easier to give up than to fight and fight is exactly what you have to do!  Fight out of the bog and mire.  Fight to push aside the lies and accept the truth.  To believe despite our doubt.

As I was reading Scripture this past week I discovered two amazing verses that I had never noticed or thought of in light of doubt and purpose.  

Matthew 28:17 New International Version (NIV)

17 When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted.

Did you catch that?  The disciples are gazing at the transformed and resurrected face of Jesus the Christ, their Messiah, and still some of them doubted.  He was caught up to heaven before their very eyes and they stood staring at the clouds until angels came and asked them what they were looking at.  God doesn't condemn us for our doubt.  He knows we will have them.  He does encourage us to choose instead to believe.  

Here's the best part!  Doubt doesn't change the outcome because it's not us who is attaining our purpose or earning our value.  Who I am does not change.  I am a servant of God.  In that knowledge, doubt has less power over me.  If I can't "do it wrong" or "mess it up" (no matter what "it" is) then I don't have to doubt myself.  It now becomes a question of if I believe God will do it.  I can tell you I trust God WAY more than I trust myself.  The scripture is full of reminders that God NEVER fails to accomplish what He says He will do.  

So how does that help me in my search for purpose?  Oh my friends, the lover of our souls is very good!  After God delighted me with the reminder that even those who walked with Him sometimes had doubts, He brought me to a passage in a translation I don't normally read. 

Psalm 57:2 English Standard Version (ESV)

2  I cry out to God Most High,

    to God who fulfills his purpose for me. 

I can tell you this verse hit me like a hallelujah chorus!  God fulfills His purpose for me!  The NIV uses the world "vindicates" in the place of "fulfills his purpose".  Strong's Concordance  tells me that the word means completes or come to an end upon.  It is a beautiful assurance that It is not me but God who accomplishes, who completes, who fulfills.  In light of the doubt that has hung upon my shoulders I see that word "vindicates" as a direct smack in the face of my doubt.  "Oh, you think JD doesn't have anything of value to say? *SMACK* Well I do!"  "You think JD doesn't have any real purpose? *Smack* Well I do!"  It's not that God believes that I can do it, no.  He knows He can do it!  

It feels like freedom, shrugging off the weight of doubt.  

Not only do I have a purpose, God will make sure that it is accomplished.  Do you need some freedom from your doubt?  Know that whatever is being whispered by your doubt can be fought with examination and truth.  Figure out the root of the lie and replace it with truth.  It takes practice, and it certainly isn't a cure all for the rest of your life, but knowing what is happening and how to combat it can mean the difference between winning the battle and being defeated before you even begin.  


 Linkups I'm participating in!  Check them out!

Watch for traps

I’m an action comedy kind of girl.  When I watch a movie I want it to thrill and delight me.  Luckily, my hubby is the same way.  Our favorite is the Princess Bride and I’m sorry but we can’t be friends if you don’t agree.  ;)  I was thinking about some of my favorite films recently and thinking about the fact that the hero always seems to have some inexplicable immunity or special skill that just so happens to meet the requirements of any given situation until the story needs to give the sidekick something to do.  Have you ever noticed that? 

Life doesn’t work like that!

  

In fact, it's the exact opposite.  The pitfalls and traps in life that cause us to trip up, fall down and spin about are insidious.  Unlike an action movie where the hero encounters generic traps in which they are naturally skilled, our traps are specifically tailored to our weaknesses.   

The traps are so specifically tailored that I often feel that I will never be able to overcome the pitfall.  I think we can all admit that there are some weaknesses we have struggled with our entire lives.  If God is growing and changing us, why am I still struggling with a specific area of sin?  Why does that trap always seem to work?  

It may be because God is not General Akbar yelling from His throne “IT’S A TRAP!”  Or does He?  Maybe He does yell from His throne that it’s a trap.  So often we are drowning God’s voice out with other things so we can’t hear His warnings. 

Maybe it's because God is trying to make us aware of our shortcomings so we can learn to overcome them.  I often find that I'm unaware of an issue until someone or something points it out to me.  

No matter what God ordained reason for the trap, I know why I fall for them.  I get caught in these traps because my hand is reaching out for something it shouldn't.  I don't know about you but the traps I seem to fall for are not subtle once you notice they are always there.  

The third Indiana Jones film is my favorite (I know, not a popular choice) but one of the reasons why I love this film is the theme of focus.  Good guys and bad guys alike are after the "holy grail" but their intent and motivations are different.  After being told the grail can't go past the seal, the femme fatale takes it past the seal.  Consequences ensue.  The hero saves her from falling only to have her pull herself out of his grasp as she tries to reach for the grail.  This leads to his fall, which is halted by his father.  Now stay with me here.  This is our moment.  While hanging there, the hero takes his eyes off his father and onto the grail.  He almost makes the same mistake the femme fatale made.  The grail isn't a bad thing.  Most of the things that cause us to fall into traps aren't.  It's taking our eyes off God the Father for any reason.  Sometimes it's because He's holding on to us to prevent a fall.  Sometimes it's because anything less than God is an idol.  We pull ourselves out of the grip of a God who is leading us by his strong right arm to grasp hold of something else.  Whether that thing is good or bad the point is that it is just a thing.  It's a creation, not the creator.  

So what are you reaching for today?  Is it your Savior or something else?

Linking up with: #freshmarketfriday, #destinationinspiration, #faithnfriends

When the Joy Fades

Something hit me this week.  I almost forgot I was living an adventure.  It's so easy to do in the midst of the every day but in that moment I recognized I didn’t have as intimate a relationship with God as I had been experiencing.  If you’ve been following my blog you know I was on a high of epic proportions.  I was having such an amazing time of intimacy with the Lord I was giddy with joy and it was intoxicating.  In that state I asked God if I was not obeying His direction to clear my schedule of tasks and just rest in Him.  In response I delayed one of my Bible Studies and two of the others canceled their meetings for the week due to weather.  I thought to myself, this is a direct reflection of how much God loves me.  He cleared my schedule,  I didn’t have too.   I found myself in the glorious place where I had no Bible study homework for a whole week!  Then one of my studies canceled again and I walked into that next week without opening God’s Word at all.  I had forgotten Him, let my mind wander to amusements to occupy my mind and mundane tasks.  I no longer was full of joy, exuberant with energy as I went on the treasure hunt to find God.  I can feel the difference to my very core and the loss was...profound.  That time of intimacy is over...for now. 

It seems so innocent now.  God gave me a gift which I loved and cherished and then let that gift take my eyes off of my Savior.  I slide away because I wasn’t spending time with God.  Was it a sin to take a break from so many Bible Studies, no.  Was it a sin to make that gift an idol that replaced my God, yes.  I knew that time of intimacy with my Savior would come to an end some day and God had already planted the seed to create a reminder of that time.  My mother used to tell me when I came back from summer camp all jazzed up and on fire for the Lord that not all of life was a mountain top experience.  (Mine were literal and figurative) We will have troubles, we will pass through valley’s and we will have the treacherous climbs up and down those breathtaking peaks.  Our lives are a series of different seasons.  They flow and ebb and change. 

The treacherous climbs and dark valleys are part of the journey.  God doesn’t sit us on the mountaintops forever because we won’t grow.  What I learned during my time of intimacy with God will bolster me on the road ahead and give me the foundation which God will test and try as He sets it firmly in my soul.  He will hammer and shove and shimmy that stone until it is level.  

I know I’ll get back to that time of intimacy.  I know God will continue to teach me.  Preparing my soul for the next climb up to the mountain top where I will once again gaze lovingly and uninhibited at my Lord’s face.  I hope it’s soon.  I miss that giddy sensation but I know eventually that “feeling” would become an idol as well.  If you haven’t been feeling as close to God lately, search for why.  Is it because you have forgotten Him in the midst of your everyday, is it because there is a blockage, is it because God is trying to teach you He is still present and you just have to trust and believe?  Start searching for Him again.  You will find Him and every new discovery will bring you closer to recognizing Him in your every day.

Treasure Hunt

I don't know about you, but I used to hear people say "I heard from the Lord..." and my heart would grimace a little.  I hadn't "heard" from the Lord...does anyone, really?  He doesn't speak with an audible voice.  Was it all just wishful thinking woo woo?  How could they know it was the Lord?

While some people use the phrase "I heard from the Lord" to give weight to their own decisions or opinions, I have to conclude that people have heard from the Lord.  He wants to communicate with us.  He says so in His Word.

While I've been studying God's word more and more, and practicing intimacy with God, I have started to understand what it means to hear from the Lord.  I'm doing about 4 different Bible Studies  for various reasons but ultimately because this is what God wants me to be doing to teach me to be still and know He is God.  As I move from one to the other and learn, I'm finding so many parallels and reaffirmed truths.  From different books of the Bible, different Bible Studies, He repeats Himself.  God orchestrated a specific message at this very moment in my life!  How amazing is that!!

So, today, after I had had my quiet time (which had built on the same message from my Bible Study the day before) and then gone to yoga (which had the same message from scripture) I went and sat in a coffee shop to finish up my Bible Studies and couldn't help but giggle.  Here's what I "heard" from the Lord.

Luke 11:9

9 “So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

It's not a new concept to me and probably not to you either.  I've read it in the various gospels and heard sermons on it many times over the years.  What was new to me is this.  I heard this message being repeated through various books of the Bible, various Bible Studies and from Godly people randomly speaking into my life and with each new repeat God had asked me to consider some questions.  As I answered the questions and asked my own, Luke 11:9 was the response from God's word.  

At first glance this verse seems very unrealistic.  No one ever gets everything they ask for.  I always saw this verse as a nice thought.  Surely, God meant that if I asked for what was in His will I would get it, but is that really true?  

1 John 5:14

14 And this is the confidence that we have before Him: If we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. 15 And if we know that He hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we already possess what we have asked of Him.…

Again, these are all sermons I've heard before.  How to pray with confidence.  Don't worry, I'm not going to give you the same sermon. You see, part of getting a repeating message like this is personal meaning.  The verse that tells us to Ask, Seek and Knock...Jesus is speaking.  You can't get more direct words from the mouth of God than that!  He is teaching on prayer, that's true, but He's also teaching us so many more things at the same time.  He's teaching us about Himself, God the Father and the Holy Spirit.  Who they are and how much they love us. 

If this life is a great adventure, with the express purpose of knowing and glorifying God and helping others do so, then that's how we should be living and how we should be reading His word, right?  

So as I sat there this morning, two things occurred to me.  

1. Jesus spoke Luke 11:9 after the example of a persistent neighbor banging on the door for bread until the owner got up to give him what he asked for.  Classic squeaky wheel.  Think about it...What is God saying about prayer here?  I don't think He's telling us to be a squeaky wheel, so what then?  This is about persistence.  We pursue what's important and of great value to us. Unlike the Wizard of Oz, there is no humbug sitting behind a curtain ready to hand knowledge, courage and understanding to us.  Those things are gained through pursuit.  It's an adventure, a quest, a treasure hunt!  
2. If we are seeking and investigating God, we'll find Him.  If we are looking for His blessings, provision, protection and the works of His hands in our life...

We Will Find Them!

  

So let's go be pirates today!  Hunt down that treasure.  Look for the dotted line that takes you to the X.  Search for the clues. Investigate the mystery!  Take your eyes off the shiny baubles and stormy seas and pursue the real treasure...God!

Happy Rock

Life is certainly interesting.  I had a first time preventative health screen yesterday.  I was a little nervous about it. Since I haven't been getting good sleep, and I've been stressed out, I haven't been managing my life well.  I got up yesterday morning to work out and noticed someone had put this little painted rock in our yard.  I've been hearing about this trend from my geocaching friends but it just started out my day reminding me that God saw me.  He knows what I need and randomly, like a lover, surprises me with gifts.  Sure enough, when I got home from my appointment this little rock was gone.  I was really glad I got a picture of it.  There was no rock to remind me today when my body totally rebelled at yoga or when my tasks began to become overwhelming or when I lost my Bible Study book I needed to have completed for tonight.  I still looked for it today.  In that spot I knew it wouldn't be. It's not really about the rock.  It's about choosing to see the little and big gifts that God has given me today, right now, even in the midst of attack and stress and disappointment.  

Has God given you a happy rock today?  Would you notice if He had?

So I was thinking

Last week was rough.  I was under spiritual attack.  Spiritual attacks are the worst because they don't come from one direction.  Whatever is going on in your life...that's the direction.  Knowing that it's happening does a few things for you though.  It helps you gain perspective and choose to have a better attitude about it.  It also reminds you that maybe you weren't spending as much time with the Lord as you needed too.  Having long term health issues leaves my body drained.  I wake up exhausted on most days and I've got a long to do list that I sometimes have to set aside to lay down for a bit.  I should be sitting at my Father's feet, clinging to his shins, for the strength I need on a daily basis but I have a couple of problems.  Pride and depression.  In the struggle for every day, I forget to put on the armor of God.  I forget that God is my source and I continue to pour out without being filled.
The next month is going to have some unique challenges but that's only because I have projects that are coming due and I've now left myself in the unenviable position of force marching myself to complete the tasks.  It's nothing unusual.  It's life.

So because I like sharing my to do lists with you on occasion...feel free to stop reading now. ;)

Deadline: November

I've started the planning for this years murder mystery.  Idea and concept.  Now all I have to do is write it all.

Deadline: Feels more imminent than it probably is

Read and review a book for family

Start on project I think God is asking me to do or at least preparing me to do or wants me to say yes to.  This one's been on my mind.  I think God wants me to write a book.  So I've been pondering the first question.  Fiction or Non-Fiction.  My knee jerk reaction was to write a Non-Fiction (shocking I know) but the main doubts that have assailed me are these.  Non-Fiction, in my opinion falls into two categories, research and opinion and mostly the first one falls into the second one.  So that requires that either I am an expert or people want to hear my opinion.  You see my dilemma.  Ultimately I am going to step out in faith that God asked this of me and so I'm going to do it.  But it's put a kink in settling on what exactly I'm going to attempt to write.  I'm not stressing yet.  I'm pretty sure God's clearing my schedule starting in September.  I just know that starting the prep work is a vital part of being prepared when God asks you to move.  If He's given me warning in advance, it's for this very purpose, to prepare.

Deadline: September

Comic Con Costumes.  I've told you all what we're doing this year but other than sewing a practice skirt and making a half-hearted attempt at lekku, I've done nothing.  I keep thinking it's because we might lose more weight but I really should be completing these.  I can take them in if I have to but it's got to get done and really I should be doing this instead of the less firm deadline ones.

In addition to these, I still have the marketing for Crossfire and Petrie's and two Bible Studies and the jail and the rest of normal life.  Feels like more than it is.  This week is going to be full of appointments, obligations, growing pains and the firm understanding that I have no choice but to sit at my Father's feet and listen, praise, worship, and be filled.

To my audience of One

Life is a constant state of learning.  I don't mean education per se.  I mean learning.  To varying degrees, depending on the individuals interest and motivation, we all educate ourselves formally or informally.  The modern age has given us educational videos that can teach us anything from how to shave a cat to how an engine works.

I've always seen myself as something of a Jill of all trades and master of none.  Being a perfectionist is a very awkward combination for that particular trait.  If I'm not instantly good at something, I will most likely put it off until I can't possibly do a good job or give up in a melodramatic pity dive into the bed.  You think I'm kidding...ha ha...yeeeeah.  This is not a mature thing to do.  I know this.  I've never had the discipline or stamina to practice enough to get really good at something.  I try stuff, I fail, I half succeed and mostly I fill in until the people who are actually good at this stuff get there.  That's my place.  The in betweener.

This hasn't really inspired a purpose.

As I look forward to the next part of my journey, I know I'm going to be super critical of anything I create.  I don't want my critical nature to stop me from taking the journey and I know part of that is going to be educating myself on how to do a good job and practicing.  So here's to making the effort.  Here's to learning how.  Here's to trying anyway.  Here's to casting aside doubt and negativity and fear.  Here's to life.

Mile markers

Thursday, June 8th, I did something terrifying.  I asked God to give me adventure.

Let me back up for a second.  My friend Pam and I have been doing a Bible Study together on Wednesdays for a while now.  God has really been using them to speak to both of us.  That week, one of the questions asked what our soul was hungry and thirsty for.  The study is about modern day idols and the question was meant to remind us that God meets our needs.  I had a few things I put on that list but the very first one is adventure.  If you had asked me that question when I was a teenager my answer would have been the same.  Belle was my role model in a lot of ways.  Strangely enough, when I thought about it, I had never come before the Lord with that hunger.  Even now I get a thrill of terror presenting it to Him.  It's not because I'm afraid He'll tell me it's a wrong desire.  It's because I'm afraid He might actually give it to me.

I've avoided asking God for a lot of big things.  There have been a couple of memories that have stuck with me and shaped what I was and was not willing to ask God for.  When I was in college we had mandatory chapel.  One of the guest speakers told a story that I will paraphrase for you.  Someone asked God to give them humility and so they split their pants on the way up to speak in front of a large crowd and were thoroughly humiliated.    I think it was meant to be a joke to loosen up the audience but that is all  I remember of what that speaker said.  Despite the fact I struggle with pride, I have been loath to ask God for humility because of that story.

I know that my idea of adventure is an idealized, romanticized version.  I know for sure that God's idea of adventure is different than mine.  His thoughts are higher than my thoughts after all.  But God has been working on softening up my heart and helping me to build trust and asking Him for something that is a long term hunger of my soul is only good and right because pursuing other things to fill that need are idols plain and simple.

So I thought it was important to put a date on this important occasion so that everything that happens next will be viewed in light of the fact that I asked for it.

Don't worry, I'm not injured.  It was a crime scene reenactment for teaching purposes. (Thanks Mark for the pic and the amazing makeup.  I totally freaked people out!  It was awesome)

I'm writing this today because two big things have happened since that prayer and it just occurred to me that I need to view them in light of a prayer for something big.  I was asked to help on a project that I ...well, I can't talk about it but the timing and nature of the request is terrifying and miraculous.  I remember being told that if we feel like life has us a little bit out of control it might be the perfect position to be in because that might mean God is in control and we need to stop trying to take the wheel back.  That's what this feels like.  My insecurities and fears keep trying to jump up and get my attention and they're just not sticking because I am going to live this next step in my life as if I'm following God's will and have nothing to fear, because I am!  

The second thing that has happened are some profound questions about my purpose.  God is literally clearing the way for something in my life.  Without kids or career, am I serving the Lord with everything I have?  Those questions have prompted some dreams I had back-burnered as ridiculous.  I'm going to give it a shot and, succeed or fail, I'm going to try and glorify the Lord to the best of my ability and that will never be a waste.  

Lent me your ears

I'm not catholic but I've found that I'm drawn to seasons of remembrance and reflection.  I have a pretty go, go, go kind of life and don't always have my mind on the spiritual.  So when I heard Lent was starting I thought to myself I should participate.  It's a 40 day period leading up to Easter and is meant to be a time of preparation mirroring Jesus's 40 days in the wilderness.  It's a time of confession and reflection on the sacrifice Jesus made to pay for our sins.  Traditionally this includes fasting but the modern interpretations of fasting have come to include giving something up for those 40 days.  Some people give up TV or pasta.  I got the very clear impression God wanted me to give up noise.  From the moment I wake up to the time I'm falling asleep I'm either listening to a book or have TV on in the background.  It helps occupy my mind while my hands are busy.  God's been hinting that this is a problem.  How can I ever hear from Him if my ears are always listening to something else.  So I agreed and the number 10 popped into my head.....10 hours a day of silence...........................................................................................................................

Um, no God...that is a lot of hours of silence...Like that was just an arbitrary number that I thought of before I did the math....that's not actually what God wants? It can't be, I don't want to do that!

It went on in my head like this for a little while and that's when I knew that was exactly what God wanted me to do and that I really did have a problem.  I'm addicted to noise.  Granted, my noise.  I don't blare heavy metal all day long.  That would be torture.  Nope, my noise is books.  One right after another.  No need to concern myself that I haven't heard from the Lord.  No need to learn how to take my thoughts captive.  Nope, books cure most ills.  Too tired to get chores done and don't want to feel guilty, cue up a story!  

Now, that 10 hours does not include sleeping, I checked.  That's 10 awake hours. Anyway, it's been really hard.  I've had to plan for other peoples noise in my quest to give up 10 hours a day.  That means I have even less of my own noise and my selfish heart has whined...oh yes.  There has even been angry, pouty face.  Totally ashamed.  It has meant that I have had lots of quiet time with God and have gotten a lot of chores done.....nothing motivates you to do something you don't want to do like being bored of just sitting there listening to your own thoughts *shudder*  I'm grateful that God is working on this with me.  It needed to be addressed.  I'm still struggling with looking with dread upon the remaining time, I didn't realize Lent could be so looooong, but I'm looking forward to being closer to my Lord and truly ready to hear from Him.

Stress Progress

Whether you're dealing with a plethora of first world problems or just a few, stress is a problem for most people.  It's linked to all kinds of health issues and generally sucks the joy of life right out the window in my experience. Part of getting a "God checkup" every so often (you know, the search my heart and see if there be any unclean way in me/what are you wanting me to learn/where are my strongholds of sin/which battle am I gearing up for, thing) for me has always included some regret that there are certain areas that I seem to always struggle with.  I know, I know.  I haven't reached the finish line yet...there is no perfection on this earth.  For a long time I couldn't see (or didn't recognize) progress in any area of my life.  Now, God has graciously and kindly shown me some areas that have definite growth and all praise and glory goes to Him on that.

Our house is a little old.  Home ownership has a lot of stresses when it comes to repair and maintenance.  Our first home was a new build and while we didn't live there long enough for maintenance issues we did struggle with a sea of mice and black widows that were displaced from the empty lot behind us when new construction began.  Our second home had black mold and many other issues but when we got one of the estimates for repairing the mold problem I had my first TMJ attack from my jaw stress clenching.  Lack of money or lack of expertise can lead to paralyzing indecision.  My husband and I are not handy people.  Repairing a fence, putting in a water heater, replacing a sump pump....we've done those things...but not well.  We've had some pretty major expenses for our current house.  This week I got a quote for over $19,000 for a repair along with several other thousand dollar repair jobs that need to happen.  It should have been stressful....and I'm pretty sure I'm not stressed about it.  (My body and I don't communicate well so I sometimes don't know when the reactions I'm having are stress related)

Here's the thing, God is using these potential stressers as a test, not for His amusement but for me.  You see, God has been doing a lot but the two I'm going to focus on right now are the long term work and the short term work.

1. I've been struggling with weight and ever increasing headaches and migraines.  I've tried a lot of things (see previous blog posts) and didn't really believe this "new thing to try" would make any difference.  With reservation I entered into an intention to prepare Whole 30 every day for a month (I didn't think I could give up dairy)  I can say I've lost a little weight but the biggest difference is the decrease in headaches and I haven't had a migraine in weeks.  This is a HUGE deal.  I had a 4 day migraine not too long ago.  I've also had enough energy to get more tasks done which helps my overall mental health.  
2. I've noticed I hold onto house and money stress much less than I used too.  I have the resources and calm to do what I can to research and make the best decision available.  10, 15 years ago....that was not me.  I'd call my dad. I'd stress out about who to even call for a specific issue. I'd stress about how much it cost and I'd often wait until the problem was worse and it forced me into action.  

Without these situations, and a few spiritual prompts to look, I wouldn't have noticed God had been succeeding in teaching me how to give up worry and stress.  While it's never fun to be out thousands of dollars, I can honestly say I'm bubbling with joy.  It's inexplicable, it's miraculous, it's God!

Bad day, better attitude

Some days are just designed to be tests.  Today was one of mine.  The first week of Advent is about hope.  It's a time to refocus on what's important.  To live in anticipation of the coming hope.  It's a remembrance of Israel waiting for the Messiah and now for us waiting for the second coming.  One of the questions of reflection asked how I could act with greater kindness and understanding.  So how did I start my day.  By honking at someone pulling illegally through a median.  I fantasized all the way to the doctors office about police chasing them down, imagined pillions shooting up from the road ... It occurred to me that this was not only unproductive but it was setting me up for a poor state of mind.  I hadn't gotten my prayer time in before I had to leave this morning.  By the time I arrived at my appointment I thought I had gotten my mind back on track.

That is until I found out my appointment is tomorrow.  No big deal, misunderstanding.  So I decided to make the most of it.  I went to a nearby park.  It was lovely.  Great view, brisk cool walk.


That is until I went back to my car and figured out I had locked myself out of my car.  Okay, called a friend to pick up my extra keys. Didn't get the right keys.  No big deal, called a locksmith.  Called my mom who said she would bring me coffee.  Out of the blue my husband called and I shared how my day had gone so far.  Got a couple errands done and arrived just in time to meet my mother who had also gotten me lunch.  Got some work done.

That is until I got notice I needed to come to a last minute doc appointment and that the murder mystery party game I've been working my brains off for had a guest cancel.  The key character. Fine, think about it later.  Ran home to pick up medical records.

That is until I'm petting my kitty while she was apparently peeing in my office chair.  

Sometimes life can seem like one big poke in the eye.  I admit that I struggled with my attitude today.  I tried telling God about my day but I wanted to call a friend and complain.  To hear the sympathy.  I'm not sure why we long for someone to Oo in sympathy but find it less satisfying to pour our heart out to the Lord and let it go.  My day wasn't fun but God is very good.  He kept interspersing the annoyances with very clear instances of love and care.  Even on very bad days, there is a choice.  You can drown in the annoyances and probably make a bad day worse.  Or you can see the care and love that is wrapped around you.  Our God is a loving Father.  He knows when we need comfort. You can choose to have a tantrum or you can lean into the loving embrace, take a deep breath and move on.

Advent

The holidays can be a challenging time of year for many.  The lists get longer, the stress gets bigger and the demands on our time grow.  My friend, Pam, and I decided this holiday we were going to do an Advent Bible Study.  In addition we are going to pray specifically for requests that line up with the weeks of Advent.  I am personally adding in a month of prayer discipline.
The end of the year tends to be, at least for me, filled with some annoying stressful things that make me think the entire year stunk.  (This is helped along by the fact that I usually haven't given myself a period of rest from the never ending tasks on my to do list).  This year, I don't want to be focused on the stress.  I want to focus on my Savior.  To participate in the anticipation of His coming.

So here's to an end of the year filled with anticipation not of things but of hope!

Here's to an end of the year meant to set up the beginning of the new year with success!

Here's to growth in areas of value!



As far as the prayer discipline, I wanted to share what I'm doing.
I have a hard time praying for a few reasons.  The first being that my head is so full of tasks and thoughts I can't seem to maintain a quite time of prayer for any length of time.  The second is I've had some heartbreak in the area of prayer I thought was answered and seemingly isn't.  I'm working on these in two ways.  I'm going to start a prayer log.  I think typing out my prayers will force me to focus and help me keep a record.  I'm also going to allow my brain a period of time to think about everything I have to do that day and I'm going to write it down.  I'll give it a  to do list to show my brain I heard it and I'll get to it in due time.  My prayer is that this will allow me the space to focus on God.  So here's my to do list for today.  Now to prayer!

At the Speed of Life

Being a minion is always hard work.  Time flies by at an alarming rate of schedules, deadlines and innovation.  The first challenge is always placing healthy boundaries so that the ever unmet needs of a charitable organization (shaped by the ever growing number of people they serve) doesn't burn you out.  The second challenge is managing the effects of long term service.  Pastors and ministry leaders take sabbatical for a reason.  Service is exhausting.

I have some wanderlust and my fingers itch to be doing something.  For me, that means that I tend to get my fingers busy doing something and then I'm in direct conflict with my wanderlust.  I know that sometimes life is about repetition.  So how do you keep your charity work from feeling like drudgery.

Doesn't that word sound awful.  Drudgery.  It makes me feel exhausted just saying it.  That idea of slogging through an endless mud pit just trying to find the energy to keep lifting one foot and then another to make your way forward.

Life is about relationship not tasks.  For a personality like mine, that's really hard to remember.  I have to work at remembering to focus on the people I care about.  In the past, I've tried to schedule time but lately I've noticed that I'm remembering to put less and less people on my schedule.  I'm already exhausted and I find the effort of connecting exhausting.  Is it any wonder that my service feels like a drudgery?

If you're feeling like work, service or life is a drudgery I encourage you to take a look at the priority you've placed on relationship in your life.  This isn't about being a social butterfly or pretending to like people you don't.  This is about plugging into the life giving resources God has given you.  Most of us need a reminder to shift our focus solely from tasks to the people we are ultimately doing the tasks for and with.  I'm not saying you lose sight of the finish line, I'm asking you to take your eyes from the line and look into the cheering crowd, glance at your fellow racers and soften your gaze.

Have you see this video.  It's showing different camera focus.  It's a great analogy for life. Sometimes, laser focus is necessary.  It allows you to see a limited amount in great detail.  Sometimes a wider angle is necessary.  It gives you more information in more general detail.  We get stuck seeing things from our favorite perspective.  If you're finding that life is feeling a little drudge-y, ask yourself where your relationships are?  Put your effort into breathing life and focus into your people.  

When was the last time you ask your friends how they were doing and really listened?  When was the last time you gazed into your loved ones face and told them how much you love them?  When was the last time you had a little fun with real people in the same room as you?  

Yeah, me too.  So that's my goal.  I need to shake off the exhaustion that comes from drudgery and reach out to the people in my life.  I need them and they need me.  I'm not serving people with tasks, I'm serving them with care and attention to the fact that they are people.