I
opened up my journal for the fist time in a while this morning and
was dismayed by what I found. As I was flipping through the pages I
noticed that there were whole sections that were starting to
disappear. I was distraught and then I noticed which pages had
started to fade. My Gratitude Journal, What I learned from God Today
and What I heard from the Lord were all suffering a slow shift into
invisibility.
It
made me think about that old hymn...and the things of earth will grow
strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace. As that song went
through my head it occurred to me that the opposite can be true. When
my gaze is on the world, or even myself, the things of God grow
strangely dim. They begin to fade from my notice. I've been reading
Bible Studies, going to church and pursuing the path I am convinced
God has me on. I had been enduring some spiritual attacks and was
fighting off my doubts with truth. What I hadn't been doing was
remembering my first love.
Revelation 2:2-4 New King James Version (NKJV)2 “I know your works, your labor, your [a]patience, and that you cannot[b]bear those who are evil. And you have tested those who say they are apostles and are not, and have found them liars; 3 and you have persevered and have patience, and have labored for My name’s sake and have not become weary. 4 Nevertheless I have this against you, that you have left your first love.
It
had been a while since I had cracked open those front sections. The
back half of my journal, populated by the prayer requests, questions
and brainstorming section, were perfectly fine. This disparity made
me examine the kind of relationship and conversation I was having
with a God who wants to be closer than a brother. I love asking
questions and I have no problem recognizing my lack of knowledge. I
love brainstorming. I love thinking about the paths of stories,
ideas for connections and inspiration. I even love writing down
prayer requests as an act of love and care to those people who share
their hearts with me. All good things but all very empty without
conversation with God and a deep and growing relationship that gives
context and focus to everything else.
For
me, life has gotten a little overwhelming and my tendency is to
hunker down and hold on. I know the truth that God is sovereign and
in control but I forget that He knows my heart. I don't have to grit
my teeth and bear up under. He wants to hear from me. My strength
won't sustain me, His will. This moment of watching a physical manifestation of my intimate
relationship with God fading from inattention was a wake up call. As
my attention focused on the reason and source of my faith, instead of
the working out of it in my life, I heard a sweet and clear call to
come away with Him. To worship and converse together, just the two
of us.
I
went through and refilled in every fading letter that morning while I
studied God's Word. I had a closer time with the Lord than I have had
in a while. I did still have some big questions come up as I learned
about who God is a little bit deeper but I was able to ask and learn
because God was revealing Himself to a friend.
How
God is calling me away with Him is totally out of my comfort zone.
It is an adventure I have never experienced and while I keep trying
to remind myself that it will be physically painful it doesn't seem
to overwhelm the sense of excitement I feel about going away to be
alone with God and worship.
It's appropriate that the song that came to mind is called "Turn your Eyes upon Jesus" because that is exactly what I'm going to do. Will you join me in falling in love with our Savior today. To run, giggling, into His arms. To go on a date and gaze lovingly into His face. It's worth every moment away from "real" life because God doesn't want what you can do for Him, He wants you!
Further listening "Strangely Dim" by Francesca Battiselli
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