Sunday, November 16, 2014

Fatalism and perspective

It has been a hard couple few months. Last week my Grandma Sutherland passed away. Death is never an easy occurrence but after the funeral I had two competing thoughts. That was the best funeral and this has been a crappy year. The funeral celebrated my Grandma's life exactly how she lived it. With humor and a clear invitation to know Jesus. We laughed and cried and spent time gathered as a family sharing our favorite memories and catching up. The stuff I was asked to prepare took a little time to put together but I was pleased with how they turned out. I need to finish putting up the edited images on the shared drive so everyone has access. I was reminded that we have a unique family who has made an effort to gather as many of us together as possible as we were growing up. Cousins know and enjoy each other. We joke and tease each other. We don't get together as often as we used to when we were little but we still seem to have multiple opportunities throughout the year to gather. I hadn't really appreciated how spectacular that was until I looked around the room at the reception. What an incredible blessing! It hasn't really been a crappy year. It's just been a hard few months. Last year I had a few hard months at the end which bled over into the beginning of this year and I remember feeling the same way...."it's been a crappy year" In reality, there have been plenty of good things this year. I'm just tired, worn out, spread too thin and seemingly incapable of saying no. It's made me brusque with people and left me with an exhausted depression. Don't get me wrong, I've dealt with depression my whole life. Depression is an old friend of mine. It's just that I get overwhelmed and all of a sudden every little annoying thing that happens is the end of the world. I'm generally over dramatic anyway so you pair that with a sense of fatalism and I can get very maudlin. I try not to stay in that head space but I'm having a hard time shaking it right now. The punches keep coming this year and I'm tired. I've been working at remembering that it's not the big things that have thrown me for a loop. It's the little tiny things. It makes me wonder about how human beings cope. Some people are fine when something big happens and then lose it when an inconvenience occurs. Why is that? Is it because we know that there is nothing we can do about the big things? I can't change that there's something in my brain but I can rage that I can't lose weight because I should be able to fix that. So when I get annoyed I try and think is it something I can change? If not, then move on. I'm still trying to figure out how to battle exhausted fatalism but sometimes life is about trudging.

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