Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Excuses, excuses

My heath issues are confusing, frustrating and for the rest of my life until God intervenes. I have been accused of sinning, unbelief, laziness, making it up and many more hurtful and insulting opinions. Since there is such a grey line between helpful and hurtful when it comes to people offering help and opinions about my health I have avoided talking about it. I think most people feel more comfortable with assuming I'm better. If I don't look sick I must not be sick right? This is part of the reason why I so passionately support Kimberly Rae and her book series http://www.kimberlyrae.com/books/sickandtiredseries/ I beg you to read this series before offering commentary on why I'm 

  • fat

  • ">exhausted

  • in pain

  • sad

  • ect.
    So for those new to my health, here's a synopsis.
    I have a genetic, hereditary blood disorder that no on else in my family has ever had. This is what the doctors have told me. I can produce documentation if you insist. (Yes, I have had multiple people accuse me of lying on this score or flat out state the Dr. must be wrong) I'm deficient in two proteins in my blood which causes me to over clot. I have had a clot from my groin to my ankle, some of it broke off and traveled through my brain and heart before stopping in the lungs. I will be on blood thinners for the rest of my life. 
    Here's the part that the doctors can't figure out. I started having joint pain and exhaustion. They have tested me for everything they can think of. I have taken countless medicines. I did yoga and Pilates and was in such excruciating pain I had to stop going. Going to the gym left me near incapacitated but I kept pressing on thinking pain was part of exercise. I hired nutritionists and trainers and acupuncturists and more. I went to doctors on score. All of them have had one of two things to say: I can't figure this out so I can't help you or it must be in your head. I have slowly gained weight since my diagnosis. No matter if I push myself through the pain of going to a gym or not, I don't lose weight. Trainers, nutritionists and doctors have looked at my food logs and shaken their heads saying "well you're eating the right things, just not enough". This year I have added regular headaches to my list of symptoms.
    So before you say what has been said to me before...

  • I have gone for over a year to the gym, enduring unaccountable pain, and not lost a single pound. It is fact, it happened, I have proof. Please don't try and tell me it's impossible. I lived it.

  • Yes, I have been tested for the disease you were about to say, no I don't have it

  • Yes, I have tried supplement and diet systems by the score. No I probably haven't tried yours because let's face it, there are an endless number of "life changing" diet/health systems

  • I try and give every new system a chance to work. To give evidence of weight loss or a small clue that I "feel" better. No, they haven't worked. No, I'm not going to keep doing something that has no evidence of results. No, I don't believe the one I'm on or the next one will work. That hasn't stopped me from trying nor do I give it less of an effort because I know it will fail.

  • I'm so happy that your diet/health style has worked for you. It hasn't worked for me.

  • Yes, I have prayed for healing. Yes, others have prayed for my healing. Yes, I had faith. No, I have not been healed. No, after praying I have not felt convicted about a sin that has caused me to remain sick.

  • There is no way for people to know how hard I've tried (or not tried because lets face it I'm a sinful human being saved by grace and I may be remembering wrong or be lying to myself or have been so incompetent at the attempt that I did more harm that good) or what I've tried. Yes, I know that logic dictates that doing thing A will result in B and if that is not true then I must be lying or wrong. I can't explain it. The doctors can't explain it. So I keep trying something new. Carrying my certainty that the new thing won't work, beating myself up for failing and enduring the pain I bare myself to my friends and acquaintances and am bombarded with critiques and opinions based on the assumption of the aforementioned "logic". Believe me, I get it. It still hurts. I have still endured. I have not lost faith. For all my failings, I keep setting aside my depression and every evidence of logic based on my experience and TRY AGAIN.

    This sounded a little angry.  Sometimes I am angry.  It doesn't feel good to be accused of lying or that I'm sinning.  It never feels good to be told it's your own fault you are suffering, even if it is true.  Many years later my father and my uncle have suffered from blood clots.  My family is still so convinced that I'm lying about my health that they didn't even bother to tell the doctors and get them tested.  Needless to say I don't talk about my health often.  People don't like to hear about continued suffering, it's uncomfortable.  Besides, if there is nothing new, why keep complaining.  That's all people eventually hear.  Complaint.  So I try and hide it and try and release any bitterness about it.  Despite all this, God has been very good.  I'm grateful he has held me up, refined me and provided for me.  When I keep my focus on Him, all the rest has to move to the background.

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