My Resurrection

After last weeks emotional blog I felt it was time to share my story with you all.  It's a fitting week for me to do so too because this is the story of how my heart died and was brought back to life. 

I met my husband at my very first theater audition.  I was depressed at the time and just wanted to feel useful, like something was going right in my life.  God drew me to this audition for many reasons, there is no doubt.  When I walked up to the building the first person I saw was a handsome young man sitting outside.  I thought, "this guy is cute"!  so I went inside, sang my little song and was then told to go to the back dance studio to practice a group waltz as the final portion of the audition.  I didn't know anyone and while everyone paired up because they all knew each other, I stood there.  I stood there until I noticed that same cute guy shyly not pairing up with anyone either.  It looked like he wasn't pairing up with anyone else on purpose just so I didn't have to be alone.  This had never happened to me before.  I had never really dated anyone and certainly no one thought I was attractive enough to flirt with.  It must be a mistake.  He was just being nice because he knew I was new.  I was cast in the chorus but as rehearsals progressed I proved myself, and as others dropped out of the show or failed to show up to rehearsals, I was slowly but surely bumped up the cast list.  I made friends and felt like I belonged for the first time in my life.  There was only one problem.  That cute guy turned out to be the BIGGEST dork ever!!!  He kept hanging out with the people I was hanging out with but I was never going to consider dating him.  Nope.  By the time the show opened I had made it all the way to supporting lead and that dorky guy and I were cast as husband and wife.  Little did I know that his mother, the pianist, and our director were plotting almost from the beginning to get us together.  By the time I decided that he was a safe guy to practice dating, because I hadn't really done it before, we had an interesting kerfuffle which I will save for valentines some year. 

We were married amidst layoffs and terrible jobs.  We planned our wedding on a budget on our own because we were going to be our own dorks and tradition couldn't hold us.  My parents were quite upset with us for a while.  My hubby was laid off before the wedding and was scheduled to start a new job right when we got back from our honeymoon.  Jobs in the tech industry were struggling at the time.  A lot of people were out of work and struggling to find and keep jobs so we were really grateful to not be in debt because of the wedding and to have God timing on my hubby getting a new job. 

Here's where things get....hard.  Two weeks after we got back from our honeymoon I was hospitalized with a blood clot from my groin to my ankle.  I didn't know it at the time but God performed many miracles for us during that time.  The first was that my hubby's new job allowed him to get on the insurance plan as soon as he started.  At the time it was customary to make a new employee wait until the next signup period or at least 6 months.  This unusual circumstance no doubt saved us from a lifetime of woe.  Preexisting conditions are no joke and insurance doesn't like covering people they know are sick.  They aren't allowed to discriminate if you have insurance and get sick but they certainly have a choice if you were sick before you were covered or if you have any lapse in coverage.  Getting sick on insurance has saved us a great deal of money and heartache and I know God did that for us.  The second miracle is that I lived.  I waited 3 days to go to the hospital because I thought I just had a charlie horse.  I was in so much pain.  While I was in the hospital, part of the blood clot broke off and went through my brain (which is how you get a stroke) and my heart (which can cause a heart attack) and ended up in my lungs.  I was told I had a genetic, hereditary blood disorder.  This meant I would be on blood thinners for the rest of my life.  It would be extremely dangerous to attempt to have children.

This is not what a newlywed wants to hear.  I knew my hubby wanted to wait at least five years to have kids and since I had no strong feelings one way or the other, I had agreed that was fair.  Now we had to decide if we were ever having kids.  After another layoff, and a very long time of searching for a new job, we decided we needed to look outside of our home state for a job.  In our first year my husband was laid off twice, I found out I had an illness we would have to treat the rest of my life and we had to move away from all our family.  He was laid off many more times in those first few years, we lost his mother to cancer and we couldn't afford to visit her until it was too late because of another layoff.  While those first years were very hard, God used them to teach us how very good He is.  He brought money out of nowhere to pay bills that were due because were were faithful to tithe even when we had almost nothing.  He brought helpers to fix issues we had no idea how to deal with and had no money to pay someone to fix.  He provided a job interview while we were waiting for my mother-in-laws funeral.  A job he got and the job that brought us home. 

We didn't have all the information back then about therapies and making the attempt to have children with precautions but I'm not sure if it would have changed our decisions.  We decided to forgo having our own biological children. 

A visiting missionary to our church in Ohio talked about children in the orphanages of Europe that no one wanted because of their nationality.  I felt such a stirring in my heart.  I was convinced it was the Lord. I started to research adoption.  We...okay, that's not fair....I finally settled on China.  There was reportedly a large number of girls in the system because of the one child policy.  The rules for China required us to be married 5 years and be 30 years old.  My birthday, 2007, would meet everyone's requirements and I was so sure ...

...so utterly sure...

That God had arranged it all as a beautiful gift.

So I settled in to wait.  This is the part of the story that I tend to like to fast forward through and just give the highlights.  I started learning to speak Mandarin and my hubby started to learn to write it.  We started gathering the things we would need to submit and started early enough to plan to submit our packet on my birthday exactly.  The adoption process is not fun.  For anyone who hasn't been through it I will tell you my experience.  You are judged unfit by assumption.  You must be trained, evaluated and observed to prove that you are fit to be a parent.  That some how, your lack of ability or inclination to biologically reproduce means you lack the presumptive ability to parent.  Now I understand logically why all the classes, evaluations, paperwork, counseling, and monitoring should and do happen.  It doesn't negate the feeling of judgement no matter what kind of attitude you have about the process.  It's stressful and emotional.  Despite the stress and emotions, I was convinced this is what God was asking us to do.  Those moments of stress and tears were born with a sense of anticipation.  I knew God was doing this and I had waited on Him and nothing could defeat me!  As I waited for the last of the paperwork to be notarized and affirmed by two separate countries I was living in such a heightened state of excitement I'm surprised I didn't injure myself.  My passport came during this time and while I was traveling from the copy place to the post office to mail the copies, my passport disappeared.  To this day I have no idea where it could have gone.  I thought this was the end of the world.  Passports don't come overnight.  I had to report the passport missing and get a new one and then go through all the notarization and approval.  I knew that the adoption agency wouldn't translate and finalize the packets until everything was present and accounted for.  I also knew there was no way that it would happen by my birthday because of this one incident.  There was weeping and wailing.  What can I say, I told you I was very emotional.  I finally calmed down enough as I waited to remember that it wasn't that big a deal.  I had built my birthday up as some kind of mecca and I had to confess it and move on.  The new passport came and the paperwork avalanche had one last round to make but I sent it off with a resigned peace.  

...and God once again showed up...

The adoption agency had been translating our packet and it was sent on my birthday, 2007.

and I was convinced...

so utterly, joyously, elatedly convinced...

That God had arranged it all as a beautiful gift.

I thought it was the best birthday present I have ever gotten.  I had never felt like I had heard the voice of the Lord so clearly in my life.

I thought I had learned to wait in those first five years.  I had no idea what waiting was.  

My heart died a little every month after that.  The 6-8 months that were listed as the wait time when I first looked at China had become 9-12 months when I submitted my paperwork.  Her name was going to be Isabelle Lynn.  Isn't that beautiful?  Every month we waited, the wait time got a month longer.  I mean that literally.  In the beginning they would send reports each month, in a newsletter, that included the anticipated wait time.  Eventually they stopped putting a number because it was too depressing.  Waiting for a specific date is nothing compared to waiting for an unknown.  After years, we decided to try domestic adoption while we were waiting in line for a foreign one.  I wanted two kids and so this seemed like a good option.  After a very painful process, and a very large misunderstanding, we were denied.  

It's been over a decade since this time in my life.  I can tell you that I have cried so hard I made myself sick.  I prayed so hard I made myself sick.  We waited.  We waited years.  I can tell you from personal experience that

Proverbs 13:12a New International Version (NIV)

12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick,       

That anticipation turned into bitterness.  The surety that God had arranged a beautiful gift turned into a doubt.  Little by little my heart hardened so I wouldn't feel the pain anymore.  I convinced myself it was the only way to stop myself from sinning.  God is good, God is just, God is sovereign.  So I bundled up my questions and doubt and locked them behind a stone.  Many years later we finally gave up waiting.

Life continues through pain.  I cried on occasion after that.  Whenever strangers asked me how many kids I had.  When loved ones ask why we don't try again.  When friends jokingly "offered" to give us one of their children.  Every tear was dried quickly and walked away from.  There was nothing I could do about it.  Nothing I could do to change it, so why dwell.  Each poke at my stony heart got easier to deal with. 

I know this is a long set up.  I wanted you to see that I thought I was doing what God asked me to do.  When I failed at the adoption I thought I was doing the right thing by casting aside my hurt and living in the belief that God was sovereign and I must not have heard Him.  For years after that I lived in a void.  I didn't hear from the Lord at all.  I didn't feel His presence.  I thought I was being punished.  I examined myself for sin but didn't feel convicted about anything.  I cried out to the Lord and heard nothing. 

A few years ago while I was studying scripture God, in His great mercy, showed me something.

Ezekiel 36:26 New International Version (NIV)

26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.

I wasn't hearing from the Lord because I had hardened my heart.  I had closed myself off so I wouldn't feel the pain but I forgot that would mean that I couldn't feel love either.  This past year has been all about exchanging my heart of stone with the full knowledge that it would bring some pain back with it.  Pain and questions and doubt and fear.  I'd happily endure all of those things to get the voice of my Savior back.  I can't live without Him.  So in this season of remembrance, anticipation and rejoicing, I celebrate the heart God resurrected in me.  I recognize my time in the grave that helped me get a little closer to understanding what Jesus did for me. I acknowledge Christ's sacrifice, sorrow and separation and hear the echo in my own heart.  A heart that was stone and is once again flesh.  I will celebrate with tears of joy on Sunday because Christ is alive and so am I!    

Have you hardened your heart to stop feeling some great pain or loss?  

Are you ready to give up your heart of stone?

Are you ready to delight once again in your Saviors presence even if it means you will share in His sufferings?

I hope you are, because there is no joy without Him.  
I quoted the first half of Prov 13:12 because I wasn't sure I could claim the second half.  "...But a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."  While I don't have children, the Lord has still fulfilled a longing.  I long to be close to Him.  That is something I know God will accomplish.  I will never have to doubt that God will do it.  I will never have to fear that I am wrong to pursue it.  

I hope you will have reason to celebrate your own resurrection.  Into new life, into a fleshier heart, into new hope...no matter what, to celebrate with our Savior as we celebrate our Savior.  I certainly will! 

Linkups this week:

#dancewithjesus

Proceed with Caution

This awesome and grand adventure God has me on takes my breath away for many reasons.  For the first few months of this year I have been throwing myself down every path God presents me with.  I've been digging in the dirt of my day to find the hidden gems and clues of His mercy and grace.  I have joyfully danced in the rain, snow, mud and waterfalls of the landscape of my life with my Best Friend.  It has been a beautiful love song and I have enjoyed it immensely but every journey eventually plays an underscore of ominous music that clues you in to the dangers that are probably behind the next clump of foliage.  You tense up and inch forward with extra caution.  Or at least that's what I found myself doing today.  Here's how gracious our God is, I noticed.  

Background music in adventure flicks, and any movie or dramatic showcasing, is a tool that the storyteller uses to clue the audience in to what they want you to feel.  Have you ever tried to watch a movie without the background music....totally different experience.  Most of us don't even notice that a score is playing throughout the movie but we still feel it's effects.  Music is a part of God's creation and is certainly a fitting allegory for the mood we approach our lives with.  I'm musically inclined and vehemently oppose people who say musicals are dumb because no one ever breaks out into song in real life.....yes I do....and so does my husband....and several relatives and friends.  I live life out loud!  Or, that's how I see my best self.  

I was doing my Bible Studies today and was loving the adventure.  I was studying Job and pondering Eph 4:29 ESV 

"Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear"  

I was thinking about questions and the pursuit of wisdom.  About a God who created all things from science to fashion.  That nothing is outside of  His purview.  The Study then took me to James 3:13a NIV.

"Who is wise and understanding among you?" 

The verses that follow James 3:13 give a lot to ponder and take note of.  Are you catching the journey that God took me on?  Do you hear the background music?  I hope so, because this is where the music starts to take a subtle change.  It's not a big change, just a little one.  While pondering all of this, the study challenged me to talk to God about the areas of talent, wisdom, skill and knowledge He entrusted me with.  We all know it's easier to see someone else's gifting than it is to see our own.  Think about it.  What are the areas God has gifted you?  It took me a bit and I struggled to write the list.  I've mentioned on the blog before that I think of myself as a Jill of all trades which certainly gives me pause when thinking of my talents.  The study then directed us to thank God for those areas and then have the courage to ask Him to grow those areas.

This is where the music takes a definite turn in the direction its only been hinting at up until now.  The music speeds up the heart with the hint of danger around the next bend.  I felt the change as surely as if Indiana Jones was poised to switch that golden statue for a bag of sand.  

Why?

Nothing on the journey so far would indicate that danger was ahead.  There was nothing on the jungle path of my life that should induce fear...but that's what I felt.  So I got down on my knees and prayed.  This moment still has me a little shook so I hope you'll forgive me if this isn't as polished as I would normally strive for.  I've talked before about the realization that I had hardened my heart to stop feeling the pain of the end of our adoption journey.  God has been working on exchanging that heart of stone for a heart of flesh.  Part of that journey was remembering that this subject is always going to be a little sensitive but that doesn't mean I should guard it like an injury.  What brought me to my knees was the realization that I have been taking action this year based on where I believe God is directing me to and preparing me for.  The last time I struck out on a course of action with this kind of abandon and with the absolute certainty that I was doing what God asked me to do, was for adoption.  Someday soon I need to share my story in that regard but for now I hope you will understand that this is an area of tremendous hurt.  It is a healed hurt, because my God is good, but the reason I am on a treasure hunt this year is because God is teaching me how to ask questions and how to hope again.  

That moment of asking God to bless an area of gifting, of giving Him the fragile hope that I was on the right path, forced me to notice how similar this path felt to that grand story arch that lead to such heartache in my life.  

Part of searching for God in your everyday is going to bring you to your knees as you search for Him.  Part is going to bring you to your knees because you've found Him.

Fellow sojourners, I'm going to try and explain what God showed me in this moment.  

So imagine with me that we're walking along a narrow path through a jungle scene.  Eyes are gazing around under sweating brows looking for clues that we're on the right path.  Someone notices something peeking from underneath a stand of vines and so we begin pulling the growth away to find a standing stone carved with complex symbols.  The excitement of our group bursts forth in happy laughter as we think about what this standing stone means, not just to our journey, but in the truth it can communicate.  As we make our way through the symbols we begin to have a growing sense of unease.  The direction it is telling us to take feels similar to a path we have taken before.  That realization crashes down with the full weight of fear.  This is just like the path we took before.  The one that ended in disaster.  We look wildly around us only to find confirmation.  The signs, the symbols, they are the same.  How could we not have noticed it before!  What if this ends the same way?  We started this journey in faith, believing that we could follow the Guide no matter where He led.  We were sure that we had heard Him this time, that this was the path.  What if we're wrong again?  Could we....could I, survive?      

Big hurts from our past can cause big doubts.  God has been teaching me that it's okay to ask questions.  To ask Him, why.  My biggest questions right now, the ones affecting my journey still today, are ...

Did I hear from you in 2001?  

Did you tell me to pursue adoption only to remove the possibility or did I miss hear you?  

If I was so sure then, and was wrong, how do I know you've spoken to me now?

These are big, hard questions.  While God has been abundant in giving me His peace as I've learned to walk in the life He's given me, these questions loom.  Do you have questions that loom?  Do they cast a shadow on your journey and cause you to jump in fear?  Have you even noticed those questions are there?  We all have things that give us a knee jerk reaction but for most of my life I laughed that jump off as me just being startled.  Get back on the path and keep marching, JD.  Nothing to worry about here.  

I can't do that any more.  I'm looking for God in my every day.  I'm in training to notice where He's moving, who He is and how to recognize Him.  For me, those big, hard questions are a part of that training.  If I don't recognize the shift in background music, I'll be reacting to something I'm not even aware of.  I'll be nervous and edgy as I proceed with caution down the path.  I'll be tense with fear as I live in the belief that disaster is going to fall upon me at any moment.  

So I paused, on my knees, my head to the ground, as tears streamed down my face.  I presented my fear and questions to a good and gracious God, and waited.  I let the hurt be.  

It's been a few hours now of trying to collect my thoughts, letting the ache flair in my chest and thanking God.  Thanking God for letting me notice the change in background music.  For showing me the source of some of my persistent fears along this path.  It's like seeing a looming figure in your dark bedroom at night and then realizing it's your clothes on the back of a chair.  The looming shape that spiked my fear, now has form.  I know it's there and I know what it is.  For now, the questions remain, but I can proceed without fear because I know my God better now.  I am pursuing Him and no path He takes me down will ever be in vain.  While my natural inclination is to protect myself from hurt, that is never God's inclination.  His inclination is for my good and His glory.  Knowing my fear allows me to confront it and step beyond it.  To choose to step out boldly in my adventure.  

What fears have you let loom in the background of your story?  What nameless dread have you let startle you into reacting, into overreacting?  What have you let fear dictate about what you believe?  Let's be brave.  Let's look at those doubts and fears and recognize the real shape of them.  

    

Don't be afraid.  You're not alone.  Not even with your questions. 

Jeremiah 33:3 NIV       

"Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know."

This weeks linkups:

#dancewithjesus

#destinationinspiration

Bushwacking, Backtracking and Bumbling

Life is not lived in a straight line.  While I have had a few moments in life that felt like I was walking on a well made trail, I've had many more that felt like I was hacking my way through brambles and tumbling down sharp hillsides screaming "as you wish".  Smooth trail or bush choked path, none are straight.  They follow the lay of the land and generally curve to avoid the impassable or dangerous.  We expect it while we're hiking, rock climbing or trail meandering.  Paths curve, the best route must be considered and thought out and sometimes you have to climb down to find the way up.      

I've been feeling that way recently.  Slightly lost, unsure and trying to convince myself that this couldn't possibly be the right way to go.    Life sometimes feels like that.  We are staring at a crossroads, unsure if which path to take.  So we pick a direction only to find pitfalls, quicksand and maybe some ROUS's.  Emotionally, these set backs or challenges feel like failure.  So we turn around and trudge back to the crossroads feeling defeated and disheartened.  It can paralyze us into curling up in the middle of the crossroads and stop moving to avoid making the wrong decision.  I've been doing the new Beth Moore Study "The Quest" which has been right where God wants me right now.  He knew that the adventure He has me on was going to come with a lot of curves but Beth Moore's study reminded me that Quests are full of question marks and that the very nature of their shape reminds us that the path will curve unexpectedly and require some leaps of faith to get to the point.  

Sometimes we have no choice but to scale the cliffs of insanity or brave the fire swamp. Sometimes we will stroll leisurely down a well trod path.  All paths will curve and most will fork.  Just don't freeze in fear of the unknown.  So what if that last fork didn't get you where you wanted to go.  You have a choice in how you view that truncated path.  Did you make the wrong choice or was the dead end part of the adventure?  God is always teaching us something.  No matter what your adventure brings you, you can think of it like an important plot twist. It's where God teaches the hero (that's you) something important.  So whether you use that to shrug off the feelings of failure and defeat or whether you use it to search your circumstances for the hidden gems and pieces of the puzzle, you can choose how you see the dead ends, pitfalls and strategic retreats.

Treasure maps are often full of loops, roundabouts and arcs before you reach the "X" which marks the spot.  Why do we forget that will be true in our own adventure.  If my hiking path bends and dips and forks, then why wouldn't my life's journey?  So, what are you going to see as an adventure today instead of a mistake?

Link ups this week:
#gracemoments
#destinationinspiration
#dancewithJesus
#faithnfriends

God Holds my Purpose

For the last few months, as God has asked me to rest and as He's given me hints that He's preparing me for something, I've been thinking about my purpose.  I've been thinking about it because the enemy and my own rebellious flesh have been whispering doubts to me.  Who are you?  What could you possibly offer? What are you even for?  You have no purpose!  

Doubts are poisonous little things.  They worm their way into your thinking and deep into your heart and from there your actions and words flow.  

You act under the assumption that your doubt is based in truth.

I don't know about you but for me my doubts, upon examination, tend to be broad.  They're broad because being specific wouldn't allow my mind to blanket attach "proof".  See, you failed that one time, so you're a failure.  See, you haven't done anything meaningful with your life.

Big questions like "Who are you?" and "What is your Purpose in life?" are the wrong kind of question.  They can be answered but only with the broad type of  answer that the questions demands.  Who am I?  A daughter of the King.  Who am I? Loved by a God who calls me by name.  What is my purpose? To go and make disciples.  What is my purpose? To glorify God.

If I'm being honest, I find those kinds of answers wholly unsatisfying when I'm in the grip of doubt.  They feel like Sunday School answers.  Empty and flat.  Something learned by rote.  They are absolutely true and I know they are, but it feels so inadequate and small.  So, how do you combat that feeling?  How do you find God, real and present, in your journey when doubts are being spit at you like jungle darts from the shadows?

You investigate of course!  At least that's what I've been doing.  I ask God a lot of questions.  It's just in my nature to want to understand and I have been delighted to discover that asking God questions does not mean I question His holiness or sovereignty.  I have been even more delighted to discover that He hears me and answers!  

Doubt settles easily on our shoulders and causes them to droop and hunch in defeat.  It feels so much easier to give up than to fight and fight is exactly what you have to do!  Fight out of the bog and mire.  Fight to push aside the lies and accept the truth.  To believe despite our doubt.

As I was reading Scripture this past week I discovered two amazing verses that I had never noticed or thought of in light of doubt and purpose.  

Matthew 28:17 New International Version (NIV)

17 When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted.

Did you catch that?  The disciples are gazing at the transformed and resurrected face of Jesus the Christ, their Messiah, and still some of them doubted.  He was caught up to heaven before their very eyes and they stood staring at the clouds until angels came and asked them what they were looking at.  God doesn't condemn us for our doubt.  He knows we will have them.  He does encourage us to choose instead to believe.  

Here's the best part!  Doubt doesn't change the outcome because it's not us who is attaining our purpose or earning our value.  Who I am does not change.  I am a servant of God.  In that knowledge, doubt has less power over me.  If I can't "do it wrong" or "mess it up" (no matter what "it" is) then I don't have to doubt myself.  It now becomes a question of if I believe God will do it.  I can tell you I trust God WAY more than I trust myself.  The scripture is full of reminders that God NEVER fails to accomplish what He says He will do.  

So how does that help me in my search for purpose?  Oh my friends, the lover of our souls is very good!  After God delighted me with the reminder that even those who walked with Him sometimes had doubts, He brought me to a passage in a translation I don't normally read. 

Psalm 57:2 English Standard Version (ESV)

2  I cry out to God Most High,

    to God who fulfills his purpose for me. 

I can tell you this verse hit me like a hallelujah chorus!  God fulfills His purpose for me!  The NIV uses the world "vindicates" in the place of "fulfills his purpose".  Strong's Concordance  tells me that the word means completes or come to an end upon.  It is a beautiful assurance that It is not me but God who accomplishes, who completes, who fulfills.  In light of the doubt that has hung upon my shoulders I see that word "vindicates" as a direct smack in the face of my doubt.  "Oh, you think JD doesn't have anything of value to say? *SMACK* Well I do!"  "You think JD doesn't have any real purpose? *Smack* Well I do!"  It's not that God believes that I can do it, no.  He knows He can do it!  

It feels like freedom, shrugging off the weight of doubt.  

Not only do I have a purpose, God will make sure that it is accomplished.  Do you need some freedom from your doubt?  Know that whatever is being whispered by your doubt can be fought with examination and truth.  Figure out the root of the lie and replace it with truth.  It takes practice, and it certainly isn't a cure all for the rest of your life, but knowing what is happening and how to combat it can mean the difference between winning the battle and being defeated before you even begin.  


 Linkups I'm participating in!  Check them out!

Watch for traps

I’m an action comedy kind of girl.  When I watch a movie I want it to thrill and delight me.  Luckily, my hubby is the same way.  Our favorite is the Princess Bride and I’m sorry but we can’t be friends if you don’t agree.  ;)  I was thinking about some of my favorite films recently and thinking about the fact that the hero always seems to have some inexplicable immunity or special skill that just so happens to meet the requirements of any given situation until the story needs to give the sidekick something to do.  Have you ever noticed that? 

Life doesn’t work like that!

  

In fact, it's the exact opposite.  The pitfalls and traps in life that cause us to trip up, fall down and spin about are insidious.  Unlike an action movie where the hero encounters generic traps in which they are naturally skilled, our traps are specifically tailored to our weaknesses.   

The traps are so specifically tailored that I often feel that I will never be able to overcome the pitfall.  I think we can all admit that there are some weaknesses we have struggled with our entire lives.  If God is growing and changing us, why am I still struggling with a specific area of sin?  Why does that trap always seem to work?  

It may be because God is not General Akbar yelling from His throne “IT’S A TRAP!”  Or does He?  Maybe He does yell from His throne that it’s a trap.  So often we are drowning God’s voice out with other things so we can’t hear His warnings. 

Maybe it's because God is trying to make us aware of our shortcomings so we can learn to overcome them.  I often find that I'm unaware of an issue until someone or something points it out to me.  

No matter what God ordained reason for the trap, I know why I fall for them.  I get caught in these traps because my hand is reaching out for something it shouldn't.  I don't know about you but the traps I seem to fall for are not subtle once you notice they are always there.  

The third Indiana Jones film is my favorite (I know, not a popular choice) but one of the reasons why I love this film is the theme of focus.  Good guys and bad guys alike are after the "holy grail" but their intent and motivations are different.  After being told the grail can't go past the seal, the femme fatale takes it past the seal.  Consequences ensue.  The hero saves her from falling only to have her pull herself out of his grasp as she tries to reach for the grail.  This leads to his fall, which is halted by his father.  Now stay with me here.  This is our moment.  While hanging there, the hero takes his eyes off his father and onto the grail.  He almost makes the same mistake the femme fatale made.  The grail isn't a bad thing.  Most of the things that cause us to fall into traps aren't.  It's taking our eyes off God the Father for any reason.  Sometimes it's because He's holding on to us to prevent a fall.  Sometimes it's because anything less than God is an idol.  We pull ourselves out of the grip of a God who is leading us by his strong right arm to grasp hold of something else.  Whether that thing is good or bad the point is that it is just a thing.  It's a creation, not the creator.  

So what are you reaching for today?  Is it your Savior or something else?

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