Self Discovery on an Adventure: The Bad Stuff

I don't think I've made it clear to everyone that I recently got the chance to go on an adventure in Great Britain.  My group had been planning for about a year and we thought we were pretty well prepared (You can check out the previous installments here first and here second to see how that went). Travel is great because it's full of new experiences, sights and adventures.  It can also be full of exhaustion, confusion and short tempers.  In my pursuit of an adventure to find God in my everyday I discovered some things about myself in the testing ground that the trip became that I was pretty ashamed of.  So what do you do when you discover unpleasant things about yourself when you're supposed to be having an adventure?

My hubby and I went to Great Britain back in our second year of marriage with a friend.  It was an amazing opportunity and I really enjoyed myself.  We had a great time.  Here's the thing, our travel companion thought I had the worst time ever.  Why?  I was overweight and generally unhappy.  It was my normal at the time.  I was getting used to having a chronic illness and getting used to being a wife. 

Complaint was a normal part of my language.  I have since been called out for complaining which made me aware of what I thought was "sharing" and was really the symptom of a heart problem.  That first time to Great Britain was full of great memories but it was a great lesson afterward as I got feedback from my friend.  It made me aware of the attitudes I wear.  

This latest adventure to Great Britain was like a mirror of the first time.  I watched as my travel companion struggled and a completely unexpected thing happened.  I was impatient.  I am appalled to admit it.  Even now I feel ashamed of myself.  My previous esperience should have prompted me to greater understanding and compassion.  Instead, I kept trying to make things better with more planning, adjustments to the schedule, and trying to interact less with my companions.  The truth is, how I do things isn't how my companions did things.  While this led to further frustration, it didn't have too.  Once misunderstanding took root, every word seemed to have the potential to be hurtful.  I tried to fix it by talking less which ended up coming across as passive aggressive and sulky.  I hate those words.  They are ugly words and I hate imagining myself wearing them.

People wear all kinds of weird stuff when they go on vacation.  Stuff they would never wear at home.  Plaid beanies, Hawaiian shirts, lederhosen.  It seems we also wear our dirty laundry.  The secret things we say in the privacy of our minds that we dismiss at home because we can easily brush them aside.  In our safe places, in our familiar, we indulge in them like pieces of chocolate because we can be alone.  We don't have to constantly be on our best behavior.  On a trip, or outside our comfort zones, or during times of exhaustion and pain, there is no where to hide.  Those things we think in the privacy of our mind become an internal snide commentary that makes its way onto our face and out of our mouths.  

During the course of any adventure it is always wise to be aware of tensions and to ask yourself: 

1. Is my behavior adding to or subtracting from the experience we are having?
2. What lingering dark place in your heart came out of your mouth in a moment of weakness?
3. What am I going to do about it?

For Biblical and practical reasons the first thing you need to do about it is confess it to God and then go and apologize to your companions.  Getting it resolved gives everyone the best chance to reset and get on with having a great time.  Once that is done, I find it very useful to write it down and talk to God about it in detail.  While the immediate weakness of exhaustion and stress will go away, the underlying issue that it exposed is something you want to bring to the Light.

   

Discovering unpleasant things about yourself on an adventure gives you the gift of insight.  The opportunity to bring those things before the Lord, confess them, and ask Him to weed them out of your thought closet (to borrow a turn of phrase from Jennifer Rothschild).  It's hard, and it's ugly, but I can't think of a better memento to bring back from any vacation.

I hope my travel companions will look back on this adventure and forget the tensions, spats, pain and frustrations.  I hope they will remember the adventure for the exciting and new experience it was.  Either way, I know I'm praising God for using the adventure to teach me more about Him and who He wants me to be.    

Bushwacking, Backtracking and Bumbling

Life is not lived in a straight line.  While I have had a few moments in life that felt like I was walking on a well made trail, I've had many more that felt like I was hacking my way through brambles and tumbling down sharp hillsides screaming "as you wish".  Smooth trail or bush choked path, none are straight.  They follow the lay of the land and generally curve to avoid the impassable or dangerous.  We expect it while we're hiking, rock climbing or trail meandering.  Paths curve, the best route must be considered and thought out and sometimes you have to climb down to find the way up.      

I've been feeling that way recently.  Slightly lost, unsure and trying to convince myself that this couldn't possibly be the right way to go.    Life sometimes feels like that.  We are staring at a crossroads, unsure if which path to take.  So we pick a direction only to find pitfalls, quicksand and maybe some ROUS's.  Emotionally, these set backs or challenges feel like failure.  So we turn around and trudge back to the crossroads feeling defeated and disheartened.  It can paralyze us into curling up in the middle of the crossroads and stop moving to avoid making the wrong decision.  I've been doing the new Beth Moore Study "The Quest" which has been right where God wants me right now.  He knew that the adventure He has me on was going to come with a lot of curves but Beth Moore's study reminded me that Quests are full of question marks and that the very nature of their shape reminds us that the path will curve unexpectedly and require some leaps of faith to get to the point.  

Sometimes we have no choice but to scale the cliffs of insanity or brave the fire swamp. Sometimes we will stroll leisurely down a well trod path.  All paths will curve and most will fork.  Just don't freeze in fear of the unknown.  So what if that last fork didn't get you where you wanted to go.  You have a choice in how you view that truncated path.  Did you make the wrong choice or was the dead end part of the adventure?  God is always teaching us something.  No matter what your adventure brings you, you can think of it like an important plot twist. It's where God teaches the hero (that's you) something important.  So whether you use that to shrug off the feelings of failure and defeat or whether you use it to search your circumstances for the hidden gems and pieces of the puzzle, you can choose how you see the dead ends, pitfalls and strategic retreats.

Treasure maps are often full of loops, roundabouts and arcs before you reach the "X" which marks the spot.  Why do we forget that will be true in our own adventure.  If my hiking path bends and dips and forks, then why wouldn't my life's journey?  So, what are you going to see as an adventure today instead of a mistake?

Link ups this week:
#gracemoments
#destinationinspiration
#dancewithJesus
#faithnfriends

Temper Tantrums

I was thinking about how rebellious we are as a species.  No matter how young or old, we all have moments where we have temper tantrums.  It came up as I was talking with a friend about health and the little ways we sabotage ourselves.

I myself am quite the stubborn lamb.  As a sufferer from chronic health issues I have tried almost all the things.  I have tried to politely smile and thank well meaning acquaintances who ask if I've tried A, B or C.  I have tried to shake off the comments about my health problems being my fault.  I have tried enough mainstream and alternative medicines to "fix" my issues that I've developed a bit of a problem.  I will only give any new "cure" a month.  Some of the suggested fixes are quite unpleasant and for me having a set end date was part of my mental defense for giving solution "x" every chance to work.  I would do everything they asked of me....for a month.  And when it didn't work, because let's face it, nothing had yet, I wouldn't be surprised and I wouldn't have invested hope falsely.

Sometimes what health professionals ask of us sounds so ridiculous.  At least it does to me.  I honestly believe (and therefore act out) that what they're asking of me couldn't possibly make a difference. This is apparently not uncommon.  The training my friend is going through to become a therapist is asking some great questions of her.  She was stuck on a particular one when we met for tea and so she asked me my opinion.

"What do you say to a client who is clearly not doing the work at home that you have assigned"

I understand the question from the clients side and after talking it through, she realized she did too.  We all have things that raise our hackles and set our stubborn feet.  We all, at every age and type, have little temper tantrums when we say in the privacy of our own minds, "Well, I'll show you!"   It's counter productive in the extreme and doesn't help anybody.

There are many ways that my stubborn streak has caused me harm.  My health being one of the biggest areas it has effected.  In order to prove to the therapist and "everybody else" that I'm not lazy, lying or faking it, I do everything they tell me even when it is painful and causing more health issues.  I don't talk about it.  They didn't want to hear me when I told them it won't work, then fine.  I'll show them!  Sometimes I completely ignore health workers advice because it sounds so far-fetched.  Like eating at specific times of the day....how could that possibly be the reason I'm not losing weight?!?

The real problem is that I have already decided that it's not going to work.  That belief effects the outcome.  It makes it more likely that I will not comply with what is being asked of me, either through omission or through stubborn belligerence.  It is ultimately a waste of my time and whichever health practitioner I am currently seeing.

Entering into any activity should always be done with eyes wide open.  Being on the lookout for red flags and warning signs is always wise.  We should be searching for God in the everyday and that means even the things we consider mundane.  It is always walking forward, searching actively....never with neck outstretched, heals dug in, weight shifting to our rumps.  Your stubbornness will never take you where you want to go.  It will only keep you where you are.

If where you're walking isn't working, then change your course, don't fight to stay where you are.

Jeremiah 7:24 ESV 

But they did not obey or incline their ear, but walked in their own counsels and the stubbornness of their evil hearts, and went backward and not forward.

Salt Lake Comic Con 2017

 This year we went all out on costumes.  For some unknown reason, other than our apparent desire to torment ourselves, we decided to create two new group cosplays.  One for the contest and one for us.  I gave you an update a while back on our plan but things evolved as they often do.

My husband shaved his head.  I can't remember why he did it and I can't seem to recall if the costume idea inspired the head shaving or if it came about after he shaved his head.  In any case, he wanted to be Emperor Ming.  I think you would agree with me that it was very successful.  




Since my hubby wanted to be Ming, I had to decide between General Kala and Princess Aura.  Since I am not a small woman, most of Aura's costumes were just not going to be in my comfort zone.  Kala worked out great and and I was quite comfortable.  We didn't get many photo requests this year but more than any other year people would smile or stop us to talk about how they loved this movie as a kid.  Peoples faces lit up when they saw us.  That was pretty awesome.  We were scrambling to get all the costumes done and I couldn't have done it without my friend Bonnie's help.

 My favorite part was when someone asked us for a photo and my brother, playing Flash Gordon, was in the background trying to fit in and the guy taking the photo was getting really annoyed this random bozo was photo bombing us.  He finally realized we were all together and felt bad.

 My hubby built our lightsabers from scratch.  I made my lekku using a paper model and painting dragon skin silicon over it.  I sewed all of my hubby and I's costumes including making my very first pattern and my hubby did all the armor.

So now we get to the costume contest.  *sigh*  It was not my favorite part.  It took all but 3 hours of the day.  A day for which we paid admission and got to see nothing of the Con.  Waiting in line for my brother's judging, moving the line, getting moved again, being moved to a side room, finally being called in to get photos, going back to waiting, being called back in for registration, going back to the room to wait, being called back in to stand in line for judging, brother getting judged, going back into the room to wait for group judging....it was a long day.  We also had no chance of winning.  People asked me why I was sneering in every photo....a couple of reasons, but the top two are...

1. I was annoyed. My lip just kept doing that on it's own.
2. This stuff hurt after a while....not bad but my lekku and custom balaclava were tight to help keep fiber fill stuffed dragon skin on my head.  Don't get me wrong, I thought it looked cool, but by the end of the day I had bruises on my forehead and jaw. 

 There were some absolutely breath taking costumes even in the amateur category but the group cosplays were ridiculously out of our talent range.  The winning group costume was Cinderella and the two step sisters which looked great.. It got even better when they ripped and tore the custom dress they had made for Cinderella on stage to reenact the scene from the movie exactly.  I don't know how they did it but it was all on purpose.  They did it several times during the judging contest and they just reset it.  It was awesome.

Over all we accomplished exactly what we set out to do.  We tried new skills, we tried a new experience and we went out with a bang!  We sure learned a lot of how not to do things but we also were pretty proud of what we put together.

Happy Rock

Life is certainly interesting.  I had a first time preventative health screen yesterday.  I was a little nervous about it. Since I haven't been getting good sleep, and I've been stressed out, I haven't been managing my life well.  I got up yesterday morning to work out and noticed someone had put this little painted rock in our yard.  I've been hearing about this trend from my geocaching friends but it just started out my day reminding me that God saw me.  He knows what I need and randomly, like a lover, surprises me with gifts.  Sure enough, when I got home from my appointment this little rock was gone.  I was really glad I got a picture of it.  There was no rock to remind me today when my body totally rebelled at yoga or when my tasks began to become overwhelming or when I lost my Bible Study book I needed to have completed for tonight.  I still looked for it today.  In that spot I knew it wouldn't be. It's not really about the rock.  It's about choosing to see the little and big gifts that God has given me today, right now, even in the midst of attack and stress and disappointment.  

Has God given you a happy rock today?  Would you notice if He had?

So I was thinking

Last week was rough.  I was under spiritual attack.  Spiritual attacks are the worst because they don't come from one direction.  Whatever is going on in your life...that's the direction.  Knowing that it's happening does a few things for you though.  It helps you gain perspective and choose to have a better attitude about it.  It also reminds you that maybe you weren't spending as much time with the Lord as you needed too.  Having long term health issues leaves my body drained.  I wake up exhausted on most days and I've got a long to do list that I sometimes have to set aside to lay down for a bit.  I should be sitting at my Father's feet, clinging to his shins, for the strength I need on a daily basis but I have a couple of problems.  Pride and depression.  In the struggle for every day, I forget to put on the armor of God.  I forget that God is my source and I continue to pour out without being filled.
The next month is going to have some unique challenges but that's only because I have projects that are coming due and I've now left myself in the unenviable position of force marching myself to complete the tasks.  It's nothing unusual.  It's life.

So because I like sharing my to do lists with you on occasion...feel free to stop reading now. ;)

Deadline: November

I've started the planning for this years murder mystery.  Idea and concept.  Now all I have to do is write it all.

Deadline: Feels more imminent than it probably is

Read and review a book for family

Start on project I think God is asking me to do or at least preparing me to do or wants me to say yes to.  This one's been on my mind.  I think God wants me to write a book.  So I've been pondering the first question.  Fiction or Non-Fiction.  My knee jerk reaction was to write a Non-Fiction (shocking I know) but the main doubts that have assailed me are these.  Non-Fiction, in my opinion falls into two categories, research and opinion and mostly the first one falls into the second one.  So that requires that either I am an expert or people want to hear my opinion.  You see my dilemma.  Ultimately I am going to step out in faith that God asked this of me and so I'm going to do it.  But it's put a kink in settling on what exactly I'm going to attempt to write.  I'm not stressing yet.  I'm pretty sure God's clearing my schedule starting in September.  I just know that starting the prep work is a vital part of being prepared when God asks you to move.  If He's given me warning in advance, it's for this very purpose, to prepare.

Deadline: September

Comic Con Costumes.  I've told you all what we're doing this year but other than sewing a practice skirt and making a half-hearted attempt at lekku, I've done nothing.  I keep thinking it's because we might lose more weight but I really should be completing these.  I can take them in if I have to but it's got to get done and really I should be doing this instead of the less firm deadline ones.

In addition to these, I still have the marketing for Crossfire and Petrie's and two Bible Studies and the jail and the rest of normal life.  Feels like more than it is.  This week is going to be full of appointments, obligations, growing pains and the firm understanding that I have no choice but to sit at my Father's feet and listen, praise, worship, and be filled.

Stress Progress

Whether you're dealing with a plethora of first world problems or just a few, stress is a problem for most people.  It's linked to all kinds of health issues and generally sucks the joy of life right out the window in my experience. Part of getting a "God checkup" every so often (you know, the search my heart and see if there be any unclean way in me/what are you wanting me to learn/where are my strongholds of sin/which battle am I gearing up for, thing) for me has always included some regret that there are certain areas that I seem to always struggle with.  I know, I know.  I haven't reached the finish line yet...there is no perfection on this earth.  For a long time I couldn't see (or didn't recognize) progress in any area of my life.  Now, God has graciously and kindly shown me some areas that have definite growth and all praise and glory goes to Him on that.

Our house is a little old.  Home ownership has a lot of stresses when it comes to repair and maintenance.  Our first home was a new build and while we didn't live there long enough for maintenance issues we did struggle with a sea of mice and black widows that were displaced from the empty lot behind us when new construction began.  Our second home had black mold and many other issues but when we got one of the estimates for repairing the mold problem I had my first TMJ attack from my jaw stress clenching.  Lack of money or lack of expertise can lead to paralyzing indecision.  My husband and I are not handy people.  Repairing a fence, putting in a water heater, replacing a sump pump....we've done those things...but not well.  We've had some pretty major expenses for our current house.  This week I got a quote for over $19,000 for a repair along with several other thousand dollar repair jobs that need to happen.  It should have been stressful....and I'm pretty sure I'm not stressed about it.  (My body and I don't communicate well so I sometimes don't know when the reactions I'm having are stress related)

Here's the thing, God is using these potential stressers as a test, not for His amusement but for me.  You see, God has been doing a lot but the two I'm going to focus on right now are the long term work and the short term work.

1. I've been struggling with weight and ever increasing headaches and migraines.  I've tried a lot of things (see previous blog posts) and didn't really believe this "new thing to try" would make any difference.  With reservation I entered into an intention to prepare Whole 30 every day for a month (I didn't think I could give up dairy)  I can say I've lost a little weight but the biggest difference is the decrease in headaches and I haven't had a migraine in weeks.  This is a HUGE deal.  I had a 4 day migraine not too long ago.  I've also had enough energy to get more tasks done which helps my overall mental health.  
2. I've noticed I hold onto house and money stress much less than I used too.  I have the resources and calm to do what I can to research and make the best decision available.  10, 15 years ago....that was not me.  I'd call my dad. I'd stress out about who to even call for a specific issue. I'd stress about how much it cost and I'd often wait until the problem was worse and it forced me into action.  

Without these situations, and a few spiritual prompts to look, I wouldn't have noticed God had been succeeding in teaching me how to give up worry and stress.  While it's never fun to be out thousands of dollars, I can honestly say I'm bubbling with joy.  It's inexplicable, it's miraculous, it's God!

Bad day, better attitude

Some days are just designed to be tests.  Today was one of mine.  The first week of Advent is about hope.  It's a time to refocus on what's important.  To live in anticipation of the coming hope.  It's a remembrance of Israel waiting for the Messiah and now for us waiting for the second coming.  One of the questions of reflection asked how I could act with greater kindness and understanding.  So how did I start my day.  By honking at someone pulling illegally through a median.  I fantasized all the way to the doctors office about police chasing them down, imagined pillions shooting up from the road ... It occurred to me that this was not only unproductive but it was setting me up for a poor state of mind.  I hadn't gotten my prayer time in before I had to leave this morning.  By the time I arrived at my appointment I thought I had gotten my mind back on track.

That is until I found out my appointment is tomorrow.  No big deal, misunderstanding.  So I decided to make the most of it.  I went to a nearby park.  It was lovely.  Great view, brisk cool walk.


That is until I went back to my car and figured out I had locked myself out of my car.  Okay, called a friend to pick up my extra keys. Didn't get the right keys.  No big deal, called a locksmith.  Called my mom who said she would bring me coffee.  Out of the blue my husband called and I shared how my day had gone so far.  Got a couple errands done and arrived just in time to meet my mother who had also gotten me lunch.  Got some work done.

That is until I got notice I needed to come to a last minute doc appointment and that the murder mystery party game I've been working my brains off for had a guest cancel.  The key character. Fine, think about it later.  Ran home to pick up medical records.

That is until I'm petting my kitty while she was apparently peeing in my office chair.  

Sometimes life can seem like one big poke in the eye.  I admit that I struggled with my attitude today.  I tried telling God about my day but I wanted to call a friend and complain.  To hear the sympathy.  I'm not sure why we long for someone to Oo in sympathy but find it less satisfying to pour our heart out to the Lord and let it go.  My day wasn't fun but God is very good.  He kept interspersing the annoyances with very clear instances of love and care.  Even on very bad days, there is a choice.  You can drown in the annoyances and probably make a bad day worse.  Or you can see the care and love that is wrapped around you.  Our God is a loving Father.  He knows when we need comfort. You can choose to have a tantrum or you can lean into the loving embrace, take a deep breath and move on.

Hectic life

We realized fairly late we were running out of time very quickly.  The last week and some before the Con was a mad dash to get props and costumes done.  The collar is EVA foam and card stock.

We attached it to the cloth harness with velcro.

This did not last the day at the Con.  If I redo it, I will have to make a ridged harness.










 The chest armor I cut out of a template first and then cut it out of EVA foam.  The cones were made from craft foam.







I added the accents with craft foam, gap fill foam, pool noodles and craft gems.  I get delight out of using what I have at hand to "make it work" as Tim Gunn would say.








This was then coated with Plasti-dip.




The final product was painted with acrylic gold paint and we again attached it with velcro.  This had limited success during the rigors of con.  While my brazier never fell off, it came close.  I'll have to think of a better plan.

I bleed on this project to be sure but was once again pleased to play with found objects.  Shower curtain rings, dollar store ball, jewelry bail, pool noodles and paper.  My husband is a wiz with Pepekura.  I once again started with a base coat of Plasti-dip and then used a combo of acrylic paint, washi tape and paint pen.  

 It looked great and held up fairly well at the con but I got my head piece caught in the chain at least three times and the plastic ball expanded and contracted in the heat which caused the paint to crack on the drive home.

We got a lot of attention at the con.  We couldn't go more than a few steps without being stopped for pictures.  It was a unique experience to be sure.  In fact, Jason David Frank took our picture while we were getting our picture with him and posted it to his fan page.  It was a humbling experience.  My hubby's Lord Zedd had more problems at the con than we would have liked but we also had the least amount of time to figure things out.  Early failures and new materials/skill set made for a challenging deadline.  It still looked good in the pictures but if we do it again we're going to have to rethink quite a few things.  Almost all of our props and costume pieces need to be repaired or reworked.  My Gracie Law headdress didn't survive a second year either.  I'm going to have to redo all the feathers because of the fall out from this year.  We learned a lot this year and we stepped up our game.  We'll keep getting better.

Something on my mind

Well, I know why the neurologist wanted to see me.  The MRI showed something in my brain.  They don't know what it is.  Could be nothing.  Could be a tumor.  They want me to see a neurosurgeon.  *shrug* Okay.  Now is not the time to be worried.  Nothing I can do about it....nothing but praise God.  I got the MRI because I've been having a lot of headaches.  More than is normal for me.  The thing in my brain isn't causing the headaches but they found it because of the headaches.  My God is an awesome God.  I feel very blessed that God knows what He's doing.

Got home to a door to door vacuum sales person offering to vacuum my carpets.  I thought, why not, someone else can vacuum today.  I told them I had an appointment at 3:30.  I finally got the sales person out the door at 3:40.  Not the best way to stay calm.

The zombie cat's appointment didn't go that well.  We've been noticing her having trouble jumping.  Her back legs just don't seem to be on the same wave length as her front.  The vet felt something wonky on her spine.  They wanted to do X-rays.  The estimate was over $500.

I came home and my nose started to bleed.  I've never had a gushing nose bleed before.  I ruined my favorite handkerchief.  I took a picture but I won't gross you out.

Then the cat  threw up in the cat carrier.



Sometimes my body and I don't communicate well.  I think I'm perfectly calm.  Couldn't be less worried about a thing.  My brain and I are chill.  My body however seems to be FREAKING OUT.  It's stupid.  It's been happening to me since I was young.  It's part of the reason why my emotions pretty much trot across my face at will.  I can't seem to stop my body from expressing itself.  A guru I am not.



Thinking all this through a song pops into my head.  A potential brain tumor didn't bother me....a pushy salesperson, a large vet bill and a long nose bleed...that's got me upset.  Life is funny.  Someone reminded me the other week that I wasn't a unique snowflake.  My light and momentary troubles are not unique to me.  Other people hurt, other people endure hardship and other people have concerns.  This life, full of woe or joy, is so short in comparison to eternity.  I'm going to endure...I may even do it patiently.  I don't want to miss the opportunity for God to teach me, mold me and use me.

James 1:2-4   2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.

Whatever is going on in your life, I hope this helps a little.  Let me know if you want me to pray for you specifically.