Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts

Friday, October 12, 2018

What is Rest

I am finally going on a real adventure. If you've been keeping up with my blog, this will sound very strange to you. I've traveled a lot this year. I have had tons of new and exciting things happen. It all started when God gave me a glimpse into what He has for my future. This doesn't happen to me very often. God doesn't usually give me a heads up. I know it's because I am firmly in the "Martha" camp. When God gives me a nudge, I go into extreme prep mode. I am so excited to have a plan to follow that I often forget my best resource and guide. I suspect that is why, after giving me a glimpse into what He has planned, God asked me to rest. I've talked about it on the blog, so I won't go over it again but I have been struggling this year with the question "What is rest?"

It's been clear that God is convicting me about my definition of rest. I fully confess that my definition of rest is "the chance to catch up". Vacations, weekends away, I think of them as places to hide so I can finish the backlog of tasks that have built up because I couldn't say no to people. I fear becoming lazy, or resting wrong, more than I have feared the Lord. Over the last couple of weeks I have been having random encounters with Godly people in my life, and in my Bible study, that have brought this problem up.

So I'm walking away. I'm walking away from the need to fulfill any need I come across. I'm walking away from technology. I'm walking away from the list of things I have moved too far up on my priority list. I am walking away from noise. I have fasted from noise before, you can read about that here, and I expect it is going to be terribly hard. Giving up the things I have attached my purpose and significance to is going to be hard. That's the reason why I'm giving up all the things I distract myself with so I haven't had to address these things. That's the reason why I have to give up these things so I can actually hear my God.

So, I am truly going on an adventure. A quest into the deepest, darkest wilds. I am going to leave the beaten path, the familiar trails of my life, and stop trying to make adventure happen. I am going to dive into aloneness with intention. To sit in the stillness. It's going to be full of frustration, tears and sorrow but this adventure is going to teach me how to exchange those things for joy, contentment and the ability to recognize treasures of greater worth.

Has the Lord been convicting you of something lately? Is He asking you to do something you don't want to do? I get it. Let's do this together.

Friday, August 24, 2018

Bob's Your Uncle - Parable of the Talents

Last week we asked the question, What about Bob? This week we're going to stop speculating about the parable of the talents and focus on what I think the parable is really about. This week I want to talk about why there is no Bob.

I think Bob wasn't a part of the parable of the talents for a great many reasons but primarily it's because the parable of the talents is about investment versus fear. We talked about what investment is last week but just as a reminder, investment is defined as an act of devoting time, effort or energy to a particular undertaking with the expectation of a worthwhile result.

From a worldly standpoint, investing is always a risky business. You will never know enough, have enough experience or work hard enough to avoid losses and that can create a great deal of fear.  There is a great deal of fear that can be bound up in investing our present to pursue God's will for our lives. There's a great deal of fear in trusting our future to anything. We invest money hoping it will sustain us in the event of disaster and old age. For many, that fear is paralyzing.

That's one of the things I had failed to consider when pondering the parable of the talents. Fear can halt investment.

It's a long term bruise on my heart that I'm afraid of disappointing God, and that's the point really.  It's why this particular parable is so fascinating to me.  My fear makes me act like the third servant. Suddenly, I'm not investing what God has given me. Instead, I'm stuck in the mud. My head and my talent buried in the sand.

That's why God brought me back to this parable this year. He wanted me to focus on stretching myself outside of the fear of failing Him. To step outside of the idea of successfully performing and instead to refocus on investing. To set aside my fear in favor of believing God will bring the increase to my future.

The talent that God has given each one of us to invest is a teaching tool. It's meant to be used. The Master isn't concerned with the future, He already knows what's going to happen. He's concerned with how well the talent He gives is invested. We have to learn how to do that.

The first servant got more praise even though he didn't have any greater return than the second servant. Does that mean he took greater risk, stepped out more or invested more wisely? We don't know. What we do know is that the master gave to each according to his ability. The Master knew what they could do and he expected them to do it.

God didn't include a fourth servant in that parable because what distinguishes the third servant, and any number of imaginary other servants we might speculate about, is his fear. Fear of doing it wrong, fear of disappointing or angering the master or fear of failing. The Master only gave talents to those servants who had the ability to use it in the first place. The Master wouldn't have entrusted any talents to "Bob" because He knew Bob couldn't handle the responsibility.

So which servant are you? Has fear kept you from investing? Has it kept you from learning, growing, practicing and pursuing what God has called you to do? We don't hop fully formed into this world. We have to learn and grow. We have to invest in the learning process. It takes time. Mistakes are part of that process. If God gave you a talent or a gifting, it was for a reason. He knows you're going do great things with it, so go practice! Keep getting better and don't let fear stop you.

Friday, August 17, 2018

What about Bob? Parable of the Talents

I hope you will indulge me a little today. I want to do a little speculation. I've been thinking about the parable of the talents from Matthew 25:14-30. I've been thinking and pondering about this particular parable a lot this year. Why? Well, I'm trying to figure out what it means for me. So today we're going to ask ourselves, What about Bob?

Matthew 25:14-30 English Standard Version (ESV)The Parable of the Talents14 “For it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants[a]and entrusted to them his property. 15 To one he gave five talents,[b] to another two, to another one, to each according to his ability. Then he went away. 16 He who had received the five talents went at once and traded with them, and he made five talents more. 17 So also he who had the two talents made two talents more. 18 But he who had received the one talent went and dug in the ground and hid his master's money.19 Now after a long time the master of those servants came and settled accounts with them. 20 And he who had received the five talents came forward, bringing five talents more, saying, ‘Master, you delivered to me five talents; here, I have made five talents more.’ 21 His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant.[c] You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’22 And he also who had the two talents came forward, saying, ‘Master, you delivered to me two talents; here, I have made two talents more.’23 His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’ 24 He also who had received the one talent came forward, saying, ‘Master, I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you did not sow, and gathering where you scattered no seed, 25 so I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground. Here, you have what is yours.’26 But his master answered him, ‘You wicked and slothful servant! You knew that I reap where I have not sown and gather where I scattered no seed? 27 Then you ought to have invested my money with the bankers, and at my coming I should have received what was my own with interest. 28 So take the talent from him and give it to him who has the ten talents. 29 For to everyone who has will more be given, and he will have an abundance. But from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away. 30 And cast the worthless servant into the outer darkness. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’

What if there was a fourth servant...Bob lets say, who went and took his talent to the casino and blew it all. What if he didn't just hold on to the talent he was given but tried to invest it to great and utter failure? What would the master have said then? We look at the master’s response to this third nameless servant and wonder, why in the world is he so hard on the poor guy? At least he didn't lose it, squander it or steal it. Right? Can we squander the gifts God has given us? Can we squander them so thoroughly that we lose them forever?

Speculation has the danger of taking us to unhelpful places and so I want to be careful about the questions I give permission to bounce around my head. For me, the key is to ask the question, ponder it, see if God answers and then let it go. I have gotten in the habit of writing my questions down as a physical act of getting them out of my brain and acknowledging that God will answer in His time (even if that answer is, “it’s not for you to know”).

If you haven’t figured it out by now, I love asking questions. It’s part of who God created me to be! For me, asking the questions helps draw me deeper into figuring out who God is and who I am in Him. It is how God sheds light on areas He is working on and it helps me acknowledge holes in my spiritual defenses that the enemy can exploit. The trick to being a question asker is to have a firm foundation in the truth. There is no question or speculation that your brain or the enemy can whisper that will shake you if you are rooted deeply in Christ. I ask questions so I won’t be surprised when questions are asked of me, so my faith won’t be shaken by some clever twist of words thrown at me by someone more intelligent.

Eph 4:14So that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes.

So here are the questions I’m asking today. Can we abuse the "talents" God has given us? Can we misuse His gifting? Are we guaranteed success (ie, a return) if we invest the talents God has given us?

The parable of the talents is mostly used to apply to money, and rightly so because that's what a "talent" is in this context of scripture. But God has been focusing my eyes on this story because it means more than money. It is about investment. Investment is defined as an act of devoting time, effort or energy to a particular undertaking with the expectation of a worthwhile result. Learning, watching, practicing and probing. If we are going to invest well it requires we gain experience and knowledge and then step out in faith. Modern experience tells us that it is indeed possible to invest poorly but with enough attention, research, practice and knowledge you are more likely to see an increase over time. In light of that, I look back on my questions and speculations and can feel the smile of God as I begin to piece together a deeper picture of what this parable means.

I've been using this knowledge to inspire me to write. If you're reading this blog right now you will see the evidence of that prompting ;) I believe God has given me a glimpse into what He is calling me to in the future. I have been working to stay still and be all present with where God has me right now, because I haven't been given the green light to proceed yet, but that doesn't mean I can't start flexing the muscles I think God is going to call me to use. This is the heart of investment.

How about you? Do you have questions when you read scripture? Are there areas of your life God is calling you to invest towards the future He has planned?

Friday, April 20, 2018

Blind and Wandering

I have been feeling like I'm stumbling around blind in a dark room lately. I'm grasping at information and concepts I'm unfamiliar with as I pursue this amazing adventure with God and I feel like the blind men who stumble on an elephant and come to conclusions based on which part of the elephant they're feeling. Practicing any skill requires intention and effort, so as I follow His will and step out in faith, I have been exploring a very important question.

Are you pursuing success/return or are you seeking to be a good steward of what God has given you?

Anything we put effort and attention into has the potential of becoming an idol. It's an important question to ask yourself periodically. Pursuit of something new comes with a lot of blind wandering as you research, learn, explore, fumble and network. Putting that kind of effort in will require time and attention as well as patience and endurance. So in this state of trying to balance

Matthew 25:14-30 (ESV)

27 Then you ought to have invested my money with the bankers, and at my coming I should have received what was my own with interest.

with

Proverbs 3:5-6 (ESV)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

and do not lean on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make straight your paths.

I came across a writing prompt a couple of weeks ago titled "I feel a deluge when". Yeah, I've been feeling a deluge. A deluge of doubt, questions, lists, worry and fear.

Questions like:

Am I doing "this" right?

Am I doing too much?

Am I not doing enough?

This is what I wrote:

I feel a deluge when... I consider all that is wrong and hard in this world. When I consider how little my light is, how tiny in the sea of stars, I am overwhelmed by the completeness of the darkness that seems to surround me. I know intellectually that God's light pierces the darkness and will one day make it flee, but I also know my purpose on this earth is to shine so that others may see. God shines through us so the world won't be blinded by the brilliance of His glory. While I stumble around in a dark world hoping someone sees this little light of mine, I have no way of knowing if I'm in the right place. God does. He's guided me right to this moment. He holds my

moments, and this little light of mine, right where and when He wants me. I feel overwhelmed at times because I want to strive to be my best, to be of the best use to my God. In the cascade of drowning thoughts and fears, when the monsoon of doubt hits, I have to remind myself that God doesn't reveal everything to us. I have to heighten my senses to Him. To trust, like the blind, in my guide.

Can you see the influence of last weeks post? Me too. I can also see that big question that has been on my mind this week. Am I striving for myself or God? I wanted to share this raw prompt with you because while I see those doubts and questions in this paragraph, I see something else too.

Inspiration

There is a reason God uses the analogy of light and dark to describe our walk through this world. God showed up in the form of light in the darkness from the first covenant with Abram.

Genesis 15:17 English Standard Version (ESV)

17 When the sun had gone down and it was dark, behold, a smoking fire pot and a flaming torch passed between these pieces.

This world feels very dark, but there's a reason for that.

1 Thessalonians 5:5 English Standard Version (ESV)

5 For you are all children[a] of light, children of the day. We are not of the night or of the darkness.

Have you ever turned off your light at night and then tried to get through the room? Of course you have. Even though you know that space, how often do you bump and stumble into things....yeah, me too. The same thing applies to our spiritual life. If we are from a kingdom of light and find ourselves in a dark space, our eyes aren't adjusted to this darkness.

John 1:5 English Standard Version (ESV)

5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

There are quite a few warnings not to let your light become darkness in

scripture. I'm starting to get a better picture of why that is. Just like our eyes adjust to the dark, so do our spiritual eyes. While that may seem like a normal thing which allows us to navigate in our surroundings that is also precisely why it is very, very bad. That is exactly why we are supposed to be looking at the source of our light. To keep our eyes firmly adjusted towards the holy and not the darkness. While that means we are setting ourselves up to stumble around blindly in the dark it also means we are reminding ourselves to be guided by a God who is sure footed. My goal this week, and I hope yours will be too, is to settle into blindness. To let go of trying to see where I'm going in this world. To let my other senses be heightened and searching for God's presence. To be more attuned to His voice, His whisper, His breath. To be more sensitive to His guiding touch on my arm. To be focused on tasting and seeing that God is good.

I bet you're wondering how I'm going to pull smell in but I'll leave that one up to your imagination 👃 😄

What are some ways that you focus your mind on sensing God's presence in your day?

Linkups:

Friday, March 23, 2018

Proceed with Caution

This awesome and grand adventure God has me on takes my breath away for many reasons. For the first few months of this year I have been throwing myself down every path God presents me with. I've been digging in the dirt of my day to find the hidden gems and clues of His mercy and grace. I have joyfully danced in the rain, snow, mud and waterfalls of the landscape of my life with my Best Friend. It has been a beautiful love song and I have enjoyed it immensely but every journey eventually plays an underscore of ominous music that clues you in to the dangers that are probably behind the next clump of foliage. You tense up and inch forward with extra caution. Or at least that's what I found myself doing today. Here's how gracious our God is, I noticed.

Background music in adventure flicks, and any movie or dramatic showcasing, is a tool that the storyteller uses to clue the audience in to what they want you to feel. Have you ever tried to watch a movie without the background music....totally different experience. Most of us don't even notice that a score is playing throughout the movie but we still feel it's effects. Music is a part of God's creation and is certainly a fitting allegory for the mood we approach our lives with. I'm musically inclined and vehemently oppose people who say musicals are dumb because no one ever breaks out into song in real life.....yes I do....and so does my husband....and several relatives and friends. I live life out loud! Or, that's how I see my best self.

I was doing my Bible Studies today and was loving the adventure. I was studying Job and pondering Eph 4:29 ESV

"Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear"

I was thinking about questions and the pursuit of wisdom. About a God who created all things from science to fashion. That nothing is outside of His purview. The Study then took me to James 3:13a NIV.

"Who is wise and understanding among you?"

The verses that follow James 3:13 give a lot to ponder and take note of. Are you catching the journey that God took me on? Do you hear the background music? I hope so, because this is where the music starts to take a subtle change. It's not a big change, just a little one. While pondering all of this, the study challenged me to talk to God about the areas of talent, wisdom, skill and knowledge He entrusted me with. We all know it's easier to see someone else's gifting than it is to see our own. Think about it. What are the areas God has gifted you? It took me a bit and I struggled to write the list. I've mentioned on the blog before that I think of myself as a Jill of all trades which certainly gives me pause when thinking of my talents. The study then directed us to thank God for those areas and then have the courage to ask Him to grow those areas.

This is where the music takes a definite turn in the direction its only been hinting at up until now. The music speeds up the heart with the hint of danger around the next bend. I felt the change as surely as if Indiana Jones was poised to switch that golden statue for a bag of sand.

Why?

Nothing on the journey so far would indicate that danger was ahead. There was nothing on the jungle path of my life that should induce fear...but that's what I felt. So I got down on my knees and prayed. This moment still has me a little shook so I hope you'll forgive me if this isn't as polished as I would normally strive for. I've talked before about the realization that I had hardened my heart to stop feeling the pain of the end of our adoption journey. God has been working on exchanging that heart of stone for a heart of flesh. Part of that journey was remembering that this subject is always going to be a little sensitive but that doesn't mean I should guard it like an injury. What brought me to my knees was the realization that I have been taking action this year based on where I believe God is directing me to and preparing me for. The last time I struck out on a course of action with this kind of abandon and with the absolute certainty that I was doing what God asked me to do, was for adoption. Someday soon I need to share my story in that regard but for now I hope you will understand that this is an area of tremendous hurt. It is a healed hurt, because my God is good, but the reason I am on a treasure hunt this year is because God is teaching me how to ask questions and how to hope again.

That moment of asking God to bless an area of gifting, of giving Him the fragile hope that I was on the right path, forced me to notice how similar this path felt to that grand story arch that lead to such heartache in my life.

Part of searching for God in your everyday is going to bring you to your knees as you search for Him. Part is going to bring you to your knees because you've found Him.

Fellow sojourners, I'm going to try and explain what God showed me in this moment.

So imagine with me that we're walking along a narrow path through a jungle scene. Eyes are gazing around under sweating brows looking for clues that we're on the right path. Someone notices something peeking from underneath a stand of vines and so we begin pulling the growth away to find a standing stone carved with complex symbols. The excitement of our group bursts forth in happy laughter as we think about what this standing stone means, not just to our journey, but in the truth it can communicate. As we make our way through the symbols we begin to have a growing sense of unease. The direction it is telling us to take feels similar to a path we have taken before. That realization crashes down with the full weight of fear. This is just like the path we took before. The one that ended in disaster. We look wildly around us only to find confirmation. The signs, the symbols, they are the same. How could we not have noticed it before! What if this ends the same way? We started this journey in faith, believing that we could follow the Guide no matter where He led. We were sure that we had heard Him this time, that this was the path. What if we're wrong again? Could we....could I, survive?

Big hurts from our past can cause big doubts. God has been teaching me that it's okay to ask questions. To ask Him, why. My biggest questions right now, the ones affecting my journey still today, are ...

Did I hear from you in 2001?

Did you tell me to pursue adoption only to remove the possibility or did I miss hear you?

If I was so sure then, and was wrong, how do I know you've spoken to me now?

These are big, hard questions. While God has been abundant in giving me His peace as I've learned to walk in the life He's given me, these questions loom. Do you have questions that loom? Do they cast a shadow on your journey and cause you to jump in fear? Have you even noticed those questions are there? We all have things that give us a knee jerk reaction but for most of my life I laughed that jump off as me just being startled. Get back on the path and keep marching, JD. Nothing to worry about here.

I can't do that any more. I'm looking for God in my every day. I'm in training to notice where He's moving, who He is and how to recognize Him. For me, those big, hard questions are a part of that training. If I don't recognize the shift in background music, I'll be reacting to something I'm not even aware of. I'll be nervous and edgy as I proceed with caution down the path. I'll be tense with fear as I live in the belief that disaster is going to fall upon me at any moment.

So I paused, on my knees, my head to the ground, as tears streamed down my face. I presented my fear and questions to a good and gracious God, and waited. I let the hurt be.

It's been a few hours now of trying to collect my thoughts, letting the ache flair in my chest and thanking God. Thanking God for letting me notice the change in background music. For showing me the source of some of my persistent fears along this path. It's like seeing a looming figure in your dark bedroom at night and then realizing it's your clothes on the back of a chair. The looming shape that spiked my fear, now has form. I know it's there and I know what it is. For now, the questions remain, but I can proceed without fear because I know my God better now. I am pursuing Him and no path He takes me down will ever be in vain. While my natural inclination is to protect myself from hurt, that is never God's inclination. His inclination is for my good and His glory. Knowing my fear allows me to confront it and step beyond it. To choose to step out boldly in my adventure.

What fears have you let loom in the background of your story? What nameless dread have you let startle you into reacting, into overreacting? What have you let fear dictate about what you believe? Let's be brave. Let's look at those doubts and fears and recognize the real shape of them.