One of the hardest things I've ever done

A grave and terrible thing has happened to me.  God asked me to take a sabbatical.

I'll wait while you all recover your breath.

I know the primary purpose of this blog is to discuss the unique challenges and joys of being a servant minded individual and it is.  Part of that purpose includes knowing when to take a break.  I've written a few blogs on taking care of yourself so you don't pour out until you can't give any more.  The Lord had been putting the idea of sabbatical on my mind for a while, I just wasn't getting that He was talking to me. Last September, God made it clear He was asking me to give up my volunteer activities.  Over the month of October and November I was busy wrapping things up and writing for NaNoWriMo (which I completed this year, yay me!).  It was by December, when I was looking at my full calendar and overwhelming to do list, that I realized I hadn't done what God had asked me to do.  He wanted me to stop everything.  To take a real and true break.  A sabbatical.  I have to tell you, this has been beyond challenging.  It's been incredibly difficult to explain to people.  It's been hard to justify to myself.  My identity has been wrapped up in being useful.  Of having purpose.    I thought taking a pause from volunteering for the month of September would be it, but as the year proceeded to a close, I wasn't getting any new instructions from the Lord.  As I paused my busy schedule to ask Him, it hit me.  I wasn't standing still long enough to hear from the Lord.  I have been such a Martha. It's my normal bent to be sure.  I don't ever want to be accused of being lazy but more than anything I don't want to be thought of as useless.  It's shaped how I even view "rest".  So I started my year with a mental reset.  I've pared down my to do lists, I've given up my idea of useful and replaced it with what is needful.  It's meant a lot of Bible study, a few naps and filling my life with few things more complicated than keeping my house neat and clean.  

I know this is a time of preparation.  For what, I can only guess.  I'm trying not to guess in earnest because thinking too far in the future defeats the purpose of listening to what God is saying in my present.  Thinking too far in the future often invites fear into my life.  I assume if God has to give my life pause to prepare me it must be for something huge, difficult, exhausting or hurtful.  It also gives me time to doubt.  To doubt God is asking something of me, to doubt my ability to accomplish it. All of these mental gymnastics are ultimately all part of the prep.  To shake off the doubt, to get in step with where the Lord is moving, to put on the full armor of faith and to be fully rested and able to endure whatever is coming.  This season could be as simple as getting my body healthy again or it could involve a whole new season or state in life.  *shrug* Doesn't really matter.  This time of rest means that I can practice being on board with trusting God completely with my future.  Granted, I'm still working on the being still part.  

As you think about your new year and what your intentions and hopes and resolutions are, consider resolving to rest and be still.    

At the Speed of Life

Being a minion is always hard work.  Time flies by at an alarming rate of schedules, deadlines and innovation.  The first challenge is always placing healthy boundaries so that the ever unmet needs of a charitable organization (shaped by the ever growing number of people they serve) doesn't burn you out.  The second challenge is managing the effects of long term service.  Pastors and ministry leaders take sabbatical for a reason.  Service is exhausting.

I have some wanderlust and my fingers itch to be doing something.  For me, that means that I tend to get my fingers busy doing something and then I'm in direct conflict with my wanderlust.  I know that sometimes life is about repetition.  So how do you keep your charity work from feeling like drudgery.

Doesn't that word sound awful.  Drudgery.  It makes me feel exhausted just saying it.  That idea of slogging through an endless mud pit just trying to find the energy to keep lifting one foot and then another to make your way forward.

Life is about relationship not tasks.  For a personality like mine, that's really hard to remember.  I have to work at remembering to focus on the people I care about.  In the past, I've tried to schedule time but lately I've noticed that I'm remembering to put less and less people on my schedule.  I'm already exhausted and I find the effort of connecting exhausting.  Is it any wonder that my service feels like a drudgery?

If you're feeling like work, service or life is a drudgery I encourage you to take a look at the priority you've placed on relationship in your life.  This isn't about being a social butterfly or pretending to like people you don't.  This is about plugging into the life giving resources God has given you.  Most of us need a reminder to shift our focus solely from tasks to the people we are ultimately doing the tasks for and with.  I'm not saying you lose sight of the finish line, I'm asking you to take your eyes from the line and look into the cheering crowd, glance at your fellow racers and soften your gaze.

Have you see this video.  It's showing different camera focus.  It's a great analogy for life. Sometimes, laser focus is necessary.  It allows you to see a limited amount in great detail.  Sometimes a wider angle is necessary.  It gives you more information in more general detail.  We get stuck seeing things from our favorite perspective.  If you're finding that life is feeling a little drudge-y, ask yourself where your relationships are?  Put your effort into breathing life and focus into your people.  

When was the last time you ask your friends how they were doing and really listened?  When was the last time you gazed into your loved ones face and told them how much you love them?  When was the last time you had a little fun with real people in the same room as you?  

Yeah, me too.  So that's my goal.  I need to shake off the exhaustion that comes from drudgery and reach out to the people in my life.  I need them and they need me.  I'm not serving people with tasks, I'm serving them with care and attention to the fact that they are people.  

I've got a minion problems and worry ain't one

I listened to a lot of Patch the Pirate when I was young.  Don't worry if you don't know who that is.  The important thing is that I learned some valuable life lessons from these programs during my formative years.  One such lesson was that I was a worrier and I needed to stop.  I come by it honestly to be sure and the struggles my parents are having with worry have made me take a look at myself and realize to my astonishment that the Lord has been working on me in that area.  I'm not worry free, but I have gained some skills, thanks to the Lord, in how to deal with it in a healthy way.  You see, I looked at my dad a couple of weeks ago and told him he really needed to stop worrying and he looked straight back at me and said "It's not like a light switch I can turn off".  Nobody wants to worry.  It's an awful feeling and has been proven to adversely affect our health.  I remember feeling that exact same way though.  If I could have found the switch I would have turned it off too.  So what happened that helped me find the switch?  We'll get to that, but first...you should listen to the song that inspired me when I was young...and still does.

   Worry Warthog

I worry *snort, snort* worry *snort, snort* all my time away.... ah, memories.  Now on to business.

Because worry is a common problem, it is important to address it as a minion for many reasons.  Worry can rob us of the stamina necessary for ministry work because it's exhausting and there is too much to be done to waste it worrying.  It's crippling and imprisoning.  It steals our creativity and our joy.  But how do you stop doing it?

My Bible Study group knew we wanted to study HOW to take our thoughts captive.  We know the Bible says to do it but HOW?  So we started to look for material that would help us practice and learn how to ...

2 Corinthians 10:5New International Version (NIV)

5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

What we found was this: 

 by Jennifer Rothschild

I can't tell you how often me and my ladies have brought up what we learned from this study or how profoundly it affected us.  Don't get me wrong, this isn't an advertisement .  We found woefully few studies focused on the how to's of "don't worry", and "take every thought captive".  This study was about our destructive inner monologues.

It's true that my inner monologue was and is full of negative self talk.  How about yours?  Go ahead and think about it, I'll wait......that's what I thought.  Don't worry, you're not alone.  

As I was listening to the book of Matthew today Jesus said 

“Do you not yet realize that whatever enters the mouth goes into the stomach and then is eliminated? But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these things defile a man. 

Matthew 15:17-18

There is a list of things in the following verses given as examples of what defiles a person including evil thoughts, slander and false testimony.  I used to think that was all spewing from the heart into the world but I failed to realize that our hearts and minds are in concert in this area.  What we believe about ourselves informs how we interact with the world.  Proverbs 12 tells us that, “As a man thinks, so is he.”

Rothschild reminded us that chopping off the root of the lies that we tell ourselves is vital to a practical working out of 2 Cor 10:5.  It doesn't take the enemy a lot of effort to use the lies we are already used to telling ourselves.  They are comfortable and familiar.  It takes effort and attention to listen to what's going on in our headspace, figure out the root of the lie and replace it with truth.  

When I was younger, I tried quoting verses or thinking about something Philippians 4:8 approved.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.

It felt like a stop gap and never really worked.  Perhaps it was the vanity of youth or perhaps it just wasn't enough.  For me, what has worked is knowing and identifying the falsehood, the lie that is driving not only the negative behavior but the negative thoughts in my head.  If I fill my head with scripture on top of my wrong assumption I am more likely to try and fit what God has said into the context of what I already believe.  If I deal with the lie first, then replace it with God's truth, I have a clean space.  It's a release.  Letting go of the lie isn't always easy.  We've told some of them to ourselves for most of our lives.  Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between the healthy and the destructive.  It is a deeply personal journey and is bound to have some false starts.  

Like I said, it takes work and perseverance. Recognize the lie, refuse it and then replace it with the truth.  Sure it sounds simple but it's anything but.  I can tell you with absolute certainty that it's worth the effort.  

When things don't work out

I had to have a discussion yesterday with a volunteer I'm responsible for at one of the ministries I serve.  It could have been a very uncomfortable discussion.  It could have been awkward and hurtful.
This is what the Lord did.

He reminded me to listen.  I only asked a few questions and gave the person time to think about how they really felt.  The main question was this.  "Do you feel like this is where the Lord wants you?"
A while ago I was volunteering at a church that I was not supposed to be at.  I poured myself out and it was never enough.  I suppressed the feelings of exhaustion and the very real sense that things were wrong and worked at understanding the pastor and believing he had the best intentions.  While the experience was horrific, God well and truly worked it for good.  I learned two things.

1. No matter how good or worthy a charity, mission or ministry is, You may not be called to be there and that's okay. People will often stay when God wants to release them.  The reasons for doing so are many.  You want to avoid conflict.  You think service always means sacrifice.  You want to fill the need.  Whatever your reasons, it is good and right to check in with God and make sure that's where he wants you.  I would never encourage a minion to cut and run at the first feelings of discomfort.  That's not what I'm saying.  Sometimes sacrifice is what is called for and your feelings are being stirred by the flesh or the enemy to encourage you to leave where God has put you.  But sometimes, God is trying to get your attention.  I don't claim to have a five step program to help you figure that out but I can certainly tell you how it worked for me.  
1. I have come to believe that while service is hard work it isn't soul sucking.  It's life giving.  Doing what the Lord wants you to do leaves you filled, not empty.  Exhaustion is not the same thing as empty.  Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference.  That's why prayer and seeking are required.
2. If you feel like something is wrong, figure it out.  In my case, I fought myself for a long time because I thought it was something wrong within me.  I laid myself before God and asked him to refine me in the fire of the trial that this service was, which He did.  I learned to see good in someone I didn't like.  To see things from another's perspective.  To think and pray before I approached a person with whom I had a conflict.  These were all good things.  But in the end, that sense of wrongness remained.  It was one of the ways God was trying to knock some sense into me because I wasn't listening to the subtle signs telling me to leave.  
3. Set your emotions aside.  Emotions are tricky.  God is always trying to teach you something.  Always. Keep your focus on Him.  If you make a decision solely on how you feel it will always be an incomplete picture.  It can also cause you to execute the right decision in the wrong way.  
4. Sometimes service is about picking up your cross and soldiering on.  Sometimes service is about picking up your cross and heading in a new direction.  
5. Filling an area of need is a good and worthy thing, but sometimes you are filling a spot that God intended someone else to fill.  How can God call them to an area of service that you are occupying.  
2. Recognizing when God has closed a door can sometimes be difficult.  It's not just opportunities or paths that God closes.  Sometimes he closes our skills and talents.  Tasks you had no difficulty accomplishing previously may suddenly end it failures.  If your creativity has suddenly dried up, your organization skills are suddenly gone and your mind is in chaos or your teachers spirit is suddenly impatient and unable to communicate ideas...there may be something going on.  It might be exhaustion.  Perhaps you just need to rest and be replenished.  Whether the problem is the enemy or not; Go before the Lord.  Examine and see.  Perhaps He's holding back the gifts He's given you until you are in the place He wants you to use them.

Just remember; 

Whether its you that is leaving or whether it's your ministry that is being left, it doesn't have to be a commentary on the person or the ministries character or worth.  It is good to follow the Lord.  Keep your focus on that.