Intolerant

I'm going to start by sharing something very important....something as weird as I am.  Something extremely on topic.  Prepare yourself.

God uses every bit of our story.  I was thinking about that as I opened up my new box of pots and pans I had to buy because of my hubby's nickel allergy.  I was thinking about how so many of my people, my tribe, have allergies and insensitive to food.  I have a loved one who has struggled for years with symptoms that multiple doctors couldn't figure out and it was apparently as simple (I use that word ironically for those of us with allergies and unexplained symptoms) as cutting lactose out of her diet.  Gluten, dairy, nickel, nuts, onions, ginger, I have friends and family who all live in this awkward state of having to carefully pick what we can eat, where we can go and how pretentious we're going to sound when we get there.  I didn't seek out people of intolerance, but I am so proud to do life with them.  They work as hard to avoid our allergies as we do for theirs.  Part of the reason our friends work so hard to avoid their allergy foods is always individual and usually filled with people along the way that thought they just don't like the food they are avoiding and seem to think its a choice that can be trained out of us.  Sometimes the road to discovering what had been causing all those weird symptoms that the doctors couldn't figure out was a hard one.  We learn to live without those things but we miss them and every encounter that reintroduces those food items holds a vast array of consequences. 

As I was thinking about food intolerance God whispered something beautiful to me.  The care that my tribe puts into caring for our allergies is a very direct working out of 1 Corinthians 8:13 and Romans 14:19-21.

1 Corinthians 8:13
Therefore, if food makes my brother stumble, I will never eat meat, lest I make my brother stumble.

Romans 14:19-21
Therefore let us not pass judgement on one another any longer, but rather decide never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a brother. Do not, for the sake of food, destroy the work of God. Everything is indeed clean, but it is wrong for anyone to make another stumble by what he eats. It is good not to eat meat or drink wine or do anything that causes your brother to stumble

My tribe adjusting our meals for community times of breaking bread (metaphorically speaking, I can't have bread) is an act of love.  We delight in serving each other in that way.  It isn't a burden that we resent, it is one we gladly share because we understand how difficult it is.  The same should be true of our intolerance, our fears and, our weaknesses in life.  They shouldn't be treated as an inconvenience that we must suffer through because someone else can't police themselves.  They should be loads that we share because we have intolerance, fears and weaknesses too and we should understand better than anyone. 

Low Nickel Diet

Concluding our discussion on Comparison last week leaves me the perfect transition into this weeks blog post on health.  In my own life I don't think there is any subject where I compare myself negatively with others more frequently than health.  Our newest bump on the road of my families health is causing a great deal of stress for me because it involves such a steep learning curve.  Or at least, it feels steep.  My spouse has been dealing with a skin rash/eczema for the last couple of years that doctors and dermatologists have been unable to diagnose or treat. It was itchy, bubbly, red and caused hair to fall out (most notably on his eyebrows).  Spots would randomly flare up or spread and so I finally decided to make an appointment with an allergy clinic.  They concluded right away it was a nickel allergy and ordered my spouse to adopt a low nickel diet.

Can you guess what foods have nickel?  If you thought none, you would be incorrect.  If you thought all of them, ding ding ding, you are pretty close.  Nickel is in the ground, therefore, things that grow from the ground or eat things grown from the ground are going to have some nickel.  The trick seems to be choosing those foods that are lowest in nickel to avoid having an allergic response.  Here's the part that has been stressing me out.  All the lists I have found so far either contradict each other or only feel comfortable sharing the foods you can't eat.  Few will tell you what foods you can eat without doing some research.  

I want to emphasize the fact that I am not a medical professional.  I'm just trying to figure things out and thought it might help some people.  For me, I needed to figure out what I could feed my family in a practical sense.  I will also say that this is only the first step in figuring out how to live with a nickel allergy this severe.  I have personally found a great deal of information and encouragement from Christy Cushing.  Allergies are always a complex issue and my spouse apparently has quite a few.  Figuring out what will cause a reaction will require a lot of trial and error.  So to organize the information into a format that would be useful to me, I made a spreadsheet.

The problem with the above list is three fold.  

• One
•  it's not exhaustive.  I have no idea if quinoa is allowed yet. I don't know what other vegetables, like jicama or other root vegetables, we can eat.
• Two
• the nickel quantity in any given food is dependent on the soil it's grown in.  Manufacturing can introduce nickel into foods as well as pots and pans in some cases.  Identifying which items have nickel apart from the food equation is a whole other kettle of fish (which we really can't eat now) and so I won't go into it at this time.  
• Three
• We have to set aside the "healthy" diet/lifestyle we were pursuing and start completely from scratch.  I can't follow Whole 30 or Paleo because a good portion of what we eat under those plans are now not allowed.  Are we going to get enough nutrients on a low nickel diet?  What is healthy now?

It's been easy to get overwhelmed with all the effort that is going into learning right now.  Learning about a low nickel diet, learning what has nickel in it, learning about all the other things I'm pursuing right now.  More than any of those, I'm learning to humble myself.  I hate feeling dumb.  I hate feeling like I don't know what I'm doing.  I absolutely hate feeling like I'm doing something wrong.  And right now I feel all those things.  It requires humility to set aside my need to "have it all together" and be a student.  It requires humility to give our silent struggle to God instead of holding onto it so we can compare how much harder we have it than anyone else.  

What things are you struggling to set aside to be a student?  What does being a student mean to you?  Does it immediately conjure up images of youth, ignorance or weakness?   Whether you're struggling with comparing yourself to the seemingly healthy masses and wondering why you, or whether you are struggling to humble yourself as you learn to do better, you can do this.  One step at a time, in the chunks you can handle with God's help.  

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Dealing with Consequences

A few weeks back I talked about waiting for the other shoe to drop and this week I found myself on that spectrum of thought again.  When I was younger, I had a pastor that I considered my first "real" pastor.  He was during my teenage years so mostly it's because I remember him.  The only part of his sermons over the years that has remained with me was a story he would tell on occasion.  Pastor Randy was allergic to chocolate.  Pastor Randy loved chocolate.  Every once in a while, especially around Easter, when all the little bit sized chocolates where in abundance, he would sneak a little chocolate egg.  He told himself it wasn't a lot and probably wouldn't be a big deal.  Sure enough, by the end of the day he would have a big old scaly rash around his mouth.  It was an allergic reaction that made it clear to everyone that he had done something he shouldn't.

I was thinking about that this week as I was suffering day two of a migraine.  I knew exactly why I had a migraine.  My wonderful mother made a salmon in  puffed pastry for Sunday lunch.  My husband painstakingly took his salmon out of the puffed pastry pocket, but not me.  I thought, it's not a lot.  I'm sure it will be fine.  It is not fine.  I'm learning the depth of  nuh-uh my body has in reaction to grains and gluten.  I should have been even more strict with what I'm consuming this week because of travel, which is especially hard on my body, but my temporary pleasure has led to days worth of pain.  It has me thinking, what do I do with totally legit consequences?

We know that suffering for Christ's sake has a whole lot of encouragement that goes along with it, but what does God's Word have to say about dealing with consequences we brought on ourselves?

Galatians 6:7-8 English Standard Version (ESV)

7 Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. 8 For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.

Jeremiah 17:9-10 English Standard Version (ESV)

9 The heart is deceitful above all things,
    and desperately sick;
    who can understand it?
10 “I the Lord search the heart
    and test the mind,[a]
to give every man according to his ways,
    according to the fruit of his deeds.”

Hebrews 12:11 English Standard Version (ESV)

11 For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

but we also have precedence for coming back to God and admitting our fault and asking for His help.  We're all familiar with the story of the prodigal son (Luke 15).  When he came to his senses he determined to apologize in hopes of at least being a servant in his father's household.  Sampson has a similar story of getting himself in big trouble by disobeying and being remembered by God again (Judges 16).


No matter what mess we've gotten ourselves into, we don't have to wallow with the pigs.  God may not take away the consequences any sooner (or at all) but there's a big heart difference between being right with God and not being right.

So I went to God and thanked Him for the consequences.  I thanked Him for the reminder that He's brought me some miraculous changes over the last year, one of them being the suffering of less migraines and headaches (praise the Lord).  Then I asked Him to heal it quickly if it was His will and to help me through it either way.  I haven't been healed but I sure got a lot done today despite the pain and I walked it with joy.  I haven't gotten as much done on some of the days I was feeling fine!

Are you dealing with the consequences of your own willful/sinful/wrong-for-you actions?  Do you use those consequences to flagellate yourself?  Do you bemoan the consequences as unfair?  Do you stoically trudge on?  Or do you return, hat in hand, to your loving Father to confess, hoping that you can start building trust again slowly and instead are surprised by the depth of compassion you find there?  I have to admit that I've been the stoically trudge kind of girl.  I have been missing out on the treasures buried just beneath the surface of dealing properly with my wrong doing.  How about you?

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Temper Tantrums

I was thinking about how rebellious we are as a species.  No matter how young or old, we all have moments where we have temper tantrums.  It came up as I was talking with a friend about health and the little ways we sabotage ourselves.

I myself am quite the stubborn lamb.  As a sufferer from chronic health issues I have tried almost all the things.  I have tried to politely smile and thank well meaning acquaintances who ask if I've tried A, B or C.  I have tried to shake off the comments about my health problems being my fault.  I have tried enough mainstream and alternative medicines to "fix" my issues that I've developed a bit of a problem.  I will only give any new "cure" a month.  Some of the suggested fixes are quite unpleasant and for me having a set end date was part of my mental defense for giving solution "x" every chance to work.  I would do everything they asked of me....for a month.  And when it didn't work, because let's face it, nothing had yet, I wouldn't be surprised and I wouldn't have invested hope falsely.

Sometimes what health professionals ask of us sounds so ridiculous.  At least it does to me.  I honestly believe (and therefore act out) that what they're asking of me couldn't possibly make a difference. This is apparently not uncommon.  The training my friend is going through to become a therapist is asking some great questions of her.  She was stuck on a particular one when we met for tea and so she asked me my opinion.

"What do you say to a client who is clearly not doing the work at home that you have assigned"

I understand the question from the clients side and after talking it through, she realized she did too.  We all have things that raise our hackles and set our stubborn feet.  We all, at every age and type, have little temper tantrums when we say in the privacy of our own minds, "Well, I'll show you!"   It's counter productive in the extreme and doesn't help anybody.

There are many ways that my stubborn streak has caused me harm.  My health being one of the biggest areas it has effected.  In order to prove to the therapist and "everybody else" that I'm not lazy, lying or faking it, I do everything they tell me even when it is painful and causing more health issues.  I don't talk about it.  They didn't want to hear me when I told them it won't work, then fine.  I'll show them!  Sometimes I completely ignore health workers advice because it sounds so far-fetched.  Like eating at specific times of the day....how could that possibly be the reason I'm not losing weight?!?

The real problem is that I have already decided that it's not going to work.  That belief effects the outcome.  It makes it more likely that I will not comply with what is being asked of me, either through omission or through stubborn belligerence.  It is ultimately a waste of my time and whichever health practitioner I am currently seeing.

Entering into any activity should always be done with eyes wide open.  Being on the lookout for red flags and warning signs is always wise.  We should be searching for God in the everyday and that means even the things we consider mundane.  It is always walking forward, searching actively....never with neck outstretched, heals dug in, weight shifting to our rumps.  Your stubbornness will never take you where you want to go.  It will only keep you where you are.

If where you're walking isn't working, then change your course, don't fight to stay where you are.

Jeremiah 7:24 ESV 

But they did not obey or incline their ear, but walked in their own counsels and the stubbornness of their evil hearts, and went backward and not forward.

Happy Rock

Life is certainly interesting.  I had a first time preventative health screen yesterday.  I was a little nervous about it. Since I haven't been getting good sleep, and I've been stressed out, I haven't been managing my life well.  I got up yesterday morning to work out and noticed someone had put this little painted rock in our yard.  I've been hearing about this trend from my geocaching friends but it just started out my day reminding me that God saw me.  He knows what I need and randomly, like a lover, surprises me with gifts.  Sure enough, when I got home from my appointment this little rock was gone.  I was really glad I got a picture of it.  There was no rock to remind me today when my body totally rebelled at yoga or when my tasks began to become overwhelming or when I lost my Bible Study book I needed to have completed for tonight.  I still looked for it today.  In that spot I knew it wouldn't be. It's not really about the rock.  It's about choosing to see the little and big gifts that God has given me today, right now, even in the midst of attack and stress and disappointment.  

Has God given you a happy rock today?  Would you notice if He had?

health is a dirty word

I've had a contentious relationship with my health most of my life.  I get that I am way better off than a lot of people.  I'm not trying to complain.  I was thinking about it because I went to the doctor today.  I'm feeling  sore and exhausted and in general I don't like it when I'm not doing stuff I should be doing.  Today is a not doing stuff kind of day and I'm physically and mentally uncomfortable with that.  I generally feel my worst when I'm trying to improve myself.  Now that I'm working out to lose weight, My hips and joints are hurting all the time.  This is what stopped me before.  Some days you feel like trying to do the right thing carries worse consequences than doing what's easiest.

The most insidious part of spiritual attacks are the doubts that sound like your own voice.  The things you whisper to yourself in the privacy of your own mind. The difference between the truth and whats true is so subtle.  I'm an uneducated, overweight woman with health problems.  All those things are true.  It's not the whole truth.

I know the whole true vs truth and my health issues are a common theme.  I may even be repeating myself.  Sorry about that.

Stress Progress

Whether you're dealing with a plethora of first world problems or just a few, stress is a problem for most people.  It's linked to all kinds of health issues and generally sucks the joy of life right out the window in my experience. Part of getting a "God checkup" every so often (you know, the search my heart and see if there be any unclean way in me/what are you wanting me to learn/where are my strongholds of sin/which battle am I gearing up for, thing) for me has always included some regret that there are certain areas that I seem to always struggle with.  I know, I know.  I haven't reached the finish line yet...there is no perfection on this earth.  For a long time I couldn't see (or didn't recognize) progress in any area of my life.  Now, God has graciously and kindly shown me some areas that have definite growth and all praise and glory goes to Him on that.

Our house is a little old.  Home ownership has a lot of stresses when it comes to repair and maintenance.  Our first home was a new build and while we didn't live there long enough for maintenance issues we did struggle with a sea of mice and black widows that were displaced from the empty lot behind us when new construction began.  Our second home had black mold and many other issues but when we got one of the estimates for repairing the mold problem I had my first TMJ attack from my jaw stress clenching.  Lack of money or lack of expertise can lead to paralyzing indecision.  My husband and I are not handy people.  Repairing a fence, putting in a water heater, replacing a sump pump....we've done those things...but not well.  We've had some pretty major expenses for our current house.  This week I got a quote for over $19,000 for a repair along with several other thousand dollar repair jobs that need to happen.  It should have been stressful....and I'm pretty sure I'm not stressed about it.  (My body and I don't communicate well so I sometimes don't know when the reactions I'm having are stress related)

Here's the thing, God is using these potential stressers as a test, not for His amusement but for me.  You see, God has been doing a lot but the two I'm going to focus on right now are the long term work and the short term work.

1. I've been struggling with weight and ever increasing headaches and migraines.  I've tried a lot of things (see previous blog posts) and didn't really believe this "new thing to try" would make any difference.  With reservation I entered into an intention to prepare Whole 30 every day for a month (I didn't think I could give up dairy)  I can say I've lost a little weight but the biggest difference is the decrease in headaches and I haven't had a migraine in weeks.  This is a HUGE deal.  I had a 4 day migraine not too long ago.  I've also had enough energy to get more tasks done which helps my overall mental health.  
2. I've noticed I hold onto house and money stress much less than I used too.  I have the resources and calm to do what I can to research and make the best decision available.  10, 15 years ago....that was not me.  I'd call my dad. I'd stress out about who to even call for a specific issue. I'd stress about how much it cost and I'd often wait until the problem was worse and it forced me into action.  

Without these situations, and a few spiritual prompts to look, I wouldn't have noticed God had been succeeding in teaching me how to give up worry and stress.  While it's never fun to be out thousands of dollars, I can honestly say I'm bubbling with joy.  It's inexplicable, it's miraculous, it's God!

At the Speed of Life

Being a minion is always hard work.  Time flies by at an alarming rate of schedules, deadlines and innovation.  The first challenge is always placing healthy boundaries so that the ever unmet needs of a charitable organization (shaped by the ever growing number of people they serve) doesn't burn you out.  The second challenge is managing the effects of long term service.  Pastors and ministry leaders take sabbatical for a reason.  Service is exhausting.

I have some wanderlust and my fingers itch to be doing something.  For me, that means that I tend to get my fingers busy doing something and then I'm in direct conflict with my wanderlust.  I know that sometimes life is about repetition.  So how do you keep your charity work from feeling like drudgery.

Doesn't that word sound awful.  Drudgery.  It makes me feel exhausted just saying it.  That idea of slogging through an endless mud pit just trying to find the energy to keep lifting one foot and then another to make your way forward.

Life is about relationship not tasks.  For a personality like mine, that's really hard to remember.  I have to work at remembering to focus on the people I care about.  In the past, I've tried to schedule time but lately I've noticed that I'm remembering to put less and less people on my schedule.  I'm already exhausted and I find the effort of connecting exhausting.  Is it any wonder that my service feels like a drudgery?

If you're feeling like work, service or life is a drudgery I encourage you to take a look at the priority you've placed on relationship in your life.  This isn't about being a social butterfly or pretending to like people you don't.  This is about plugging into the life giving resources God has given you.  Most of us need a reminder to shift our focus solely from tasks to the people we are ultimately doing the tasks for and with.  I'm not saying you lose sight of the finish line, I'm asking you to take your eyes from the line and look into the cheering crowd, glance at your fellow racers and soften your gaze.

Have you see this video.  It's showing different camera focus.  It's a great analogy for life. Sometimes, laser focus is necessary.  It allows you to see a limited amount in great detail.  Sometimes a wider angle is necessary.  It gives you more information in more general detail.  We get stuck seeing things from our favorite perspective.  If you're finding that life is feeling a little drudge-y, ask yourself where your relationships are?  Put your effort into breathing life and focus into your people.  

When was the last time you ask your friends how they were doing and really listened?  When was the last time you gazed into your loved ones face and told them how much you love them?  When was the last time you had a little fun with real people in the same room as you?  

Yeah, me too.  So that's my goal.  I need to shake off the exhaustion that comes from drudgery and reach out to the people in my life.  I need them and they need me.  I'm not serving people with tasks, I'm serving them with care and attention to the fact that they are people.  

Something on my mind

Well, I know why the neurologist wanted to see me.  The MRI showed something in my brain.  They don't know what it is.  Could be nothing.  Could be a tumor.  They want me to see a neurosurgeon.  *shrug* Okay.  Now is not the time to be worried.  Nothing I can do about it....nothing but praise God.  I got the MRI because I've been having a lot of headaches.  More than is normal for me.  The thing in my brain isn't causing the headaches but they found it because of the headaches.  My God is an awesome God.  I feel very blessed that God knows what He's doing.

Got home to a door to door vacuum sales person offering to vacuum my carpets.  I thought, why not, someone else can vacuum today.  I told them I had an appointment at 3:30.  I finally got the sales person out the door at 3:40.  Not the best way to stay calm.

The zombie cat's appointment didn't go that well.  We've been noticing her having trouble jumping.  Her back legs just don't seem to be on the same wave length as her front.  The vet felt something wonky on her spine.  They wanted to do X-rays.  The estimate was over $500.

I came home and my nose started to bleed.  I've never had a gushing nose bleed before.  I ruined my favorite handkerchief.  I took a picture but I won't gross you out.

Then the cat  threw up in the cat carrier.



Sometimes my body and I don't communicate well.  I think I'm perfectly calm.  Couldn't be less worried about a thing.  My brain and I are chill.  My body however seems to be FREAKING OUT.  It's stupid.  It's been happening to me since I was young.  It's part of the reason why my emotions pretty much trot across my face at will.  I can't seem to stop my body from expressing itself.  A guru I am not.



Thinking all this through a song pops into my head.  A potential brain tumor didn't bother me....a pushy salesperson, a large vet bill and a long nose bleed...that's got me upset.  Life is funny.  Someone reminded me the other week that I wasn't a unique snowflake.  My light and momentary troubles are not unique to me.  Other people hurt, other people endure hardship and other people have concerns.  This life, full of woe or joy, is so short in comparison to eternity.  I'm going to endure...I may even do it patiently.  I don't want to miss the opportunity for God to teach me, mold me and use me.

James 1:2-4   2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.

Whatever is going on in your life, I hope this helps a little.  Let me know if you want me to pray for you specifically.