Failing Forward

I think I've failed.  It's the first day of the second month and I'm pretty sure I failed.  I expect to do that a lot this year.  Last year felt like such a success.  I learned, I prepared, I rested and I completed.  When I was praying about my resolutions for 2019 I was nervously excited for the direction God was leading.  As I was asking God what He wanted me to work on, and set as my intention, He brought those three awful words: 

Fail with Grace 

UGHHHHHH!  I do not fail gracefully.  I have a little tiny hiccup and then I give up in a huff and get depressed.  At least that's been my pattern for a very long time.  I tend to bury my head like an ostrich in the sand of my own negative self talk.  

The lessons God has planned for us are intentional, well timed and for our good.  I have been working on breaking the habit of capitulating at the first hint of difficulty for a long time.  So I know, this year is a test.  A chance for me to see my progress, practice the lessons God has taught me and develop healthier reactions.  It requires that I am keeping my head up and my thoughts aware of how I am dealing with the challenges of learning, making mistakes and stumbling over obstacles.  

Failing with grace is the act of failing forward.  It's the intention of failing without castigating myself.  The power to chose hope over despair.  

Failure has the special challenge of misdirection.  Failure is used by the enemy to shine a spotlight on our shortcomings and mistakes.  Our enemy loves to point out our failures in every aspect of our lives.  If it doesn't cause us to stop in our tracks immediately, then it certainly gets us focused on the wrong thing and walking in the wrong direction.  A failed connection with a potential friend can send you into a tailspin trying to figure out what's wrong with you and why no one likes you.  It may lead you to the conclusion that putting work into a friendship isn't worth it.  It may cause you to strike out in anger.  What those trains of thought forget is that God uses failure to shine a spotlight on what God is doing.

God is ALWAYS going to glorify His name and is working for our good, which is just a fancy way of saying God is always teaching us.  Always.

Failure often makes us feel inadequate but that feeling often leads to the false conclusion that we can't do it at all.  Whatever that "it" is for you, trying looking at your failure through God's spotlight.  Is it calling you to endure?  Teaching you how to do better?  Showing you a different way?  Calling you to a new task?  Convicting you of sin?  Reminding you to show grace, to yourself and others?  Giving you the opportunity to be a witness?

So, my goal this year is to see my failure from God's perspective and not the enemies.  Not to see my failures as the end of the road, but just another step in the learning process.  How about you?  How do you view failure?  I'd love to hear from you!

What is Rest

I am finally going on a real adventure.  If you've been keeping up with my blog, this will sound very strange to you.  I've traveled a lot this year.  I have had tons of new and exciting things happen.  It all started when God gave me a glimpse into what He has for my future.  This doesn't happen to me very often.  God doesn't usually give me a heads up.  I know it's because I am firmly in the "Martha" camp.  When God gives me a nudge, I go into extreme prep mode.  I am so excited to have a plan to follow that I often forget my best resource and guide.  I suspect that is why, after giving me a glimpse into what He has planned, God asked me to rest.  I've talked about it on the blog, so I won't go over it again but I have been struggling this year with the question "What is rest?"  

It's been clear that God is convicting me about my definition of rest.  I fully confess that my definition of rest is "the chance to catch up".  Vacations, weekends away, I think of them as places to hide so I can finish the backlog of tasks that have built up because I couldn't say no to people.  I fear becoming lazy, or resting wrong, more than I have feared the Lord.  Over the last couple of weeks I have been having random encounters with Godly people in my life, and in my Bible study, that have brought this problem up.  

So I'm walking away.  I'm walking away from the need to fulfill any need I come across.  I'm walking away from technology.  I'm walking away from the list of things I have moved too far up on my priority list.  I am walking away from noise.  I have fasted from noise before, you can read about that here, and I expect it is going to be terribly hard.  Giving up the things I have attached my purpose and significance to is going to be hard.  That's the reason why I'm giving up all the things I distract myself with so I haven't had to address these things.  That's the reason why I have to give up these things so I can actually hear my God.

So, I am truly going on an adventure.  A quest into the deepest, darkest wilds.  I am going to leave the beaten path, the familiar trails of my life, and stop trying to make adventure happen.  I am going to dive into aloneness with intention.  To sit in the stillness.  It's going to be full of frustration, tears and sorrow but this adventure is going to teach me how to exchange those things for joy, contentment and the ability to recognize treasures of greater worth.  

Has the Lord been convicting you of something lately?  Is He asking you to do something you don't want to do?  I get it.  Let's do this together.  

Belligerent Depression

Yesterday was a hard evening.  I made my hubby a delicious meal, planned something special to show him I loved him and gave him time to relax playing his favorite game.  I was especially pleased and happy.  In that moment of happiness my hubby said something I'm sure he thought was a joke but hit me like a ton of bricks.  Instantly I bottomed out.  My joy fled, my happiness dissipated and I spent the rest of the evening silently seething.  I felt the depression circling my heart.  By the time my hubby came to bed I knew he had no idea he had hurt my feelings so I told him.  My hubby is famous for being Capt. Oblivious (yes I capitalize it, he has "super powers".  Capt. Oblivious is his hero name)  He is also sensitive and loving.  He doesn't like to have a break in our relationship.  It makes him extremely anxious.  But I couldn't let it go and I knew I wasn't just skirting depression, I was actively choosing belligerent depression.

Over the years I have learned what is and is not acceptable during an argument with my spouse.  I learned this at the expense of my amazing husband I am ashamed to say.  There are many reasons why my husband and I don't spat very often and one of the big ones is that I'm usually in the wrong.  Even if I'm right...

This isn't a commentary on who wins arguments, because if that were my goal I'd "win" every time.  My husband would acquiesce and apologize.  I could rule him like the queen of hearts.  My reign would be cruel and terrible.

In our first year of marriage God made sure to teach me some powerful lessons in submission.  My husband has a quiet, patient spirit that God designed to be the perfect mate to my impulsive, blunt spirit.  It took me a while to figure out how my big personality was supposed to submit to my husbands humble spirit.  It's a good thing God got started on those lessons early.  I needed lots of time to learn.  While learning that lesson I discovered something about myself.  Sometimes I get mad or depressed.  Randomly, without warning.  My husband, being a convenient, safe and non combative target, most often becomes the focus of my ire.  Sure, I get upset under the pretext of something he has done "wrong".  Some word or thoughtless action that hurt my feelings.  Years of marriage have taught me that my anger and depression have almost nothing to do with my husband's actions.  He hasn't changed.  The thing I laughed at last week suddenly becomes the thing that sends me over the edge today.

In the midst of hormones and whatever else is going on in my brain and body it's been difficult to stop myself from taking it out on my husband.  For the first few years I would remind myself that being mad at my husband (especially for as long as I felt like being mad) was like kicking Bambi.  Staying in an angry or depressed state for as long as I "wanted" to just made it more and more difficult to figure out how to extricate myself.  That's when I started the ridiculous habit of  the "Stupid Fire hydrant".  I had been punishing my husband with my anger for a time and I knew it was wrong.  I couldn't think of how to dismiss my anger until a red fire hydrant caught my eye.  God whispered quietly to me that my anger at my spouse was just as pointless as being angry at a fire hydrant.  I don't know what God did  but it felt like he supernaturally increased the amount of fire hydrants on that trip home and I just started saying "stupid fire hydrant".  After the first two times my hubby and I both began to laugh.  That allowed me to dissipate my anger and talk to my husband again without an agenda.  As my hubby and I approach our second decade of marriage I have learned how to apologize for getting upset and depressed.  I'm not apologizing for being on the "wrong" side of the argument or for biological predispositions.  I'm apologizing for reacting wrong.  My confession and apology to my husband aren't about making him feel like a lord over me (if he even noticed things like that)  but about me and the attitude of my heart.

Even after years of practice at asking myself if I am getting upset or depressed because of something my husband has said or because there is something going on in my mind or body, I still mess up sometimes and react wrongly or choose to cast blame at my spouses feet.  It's gotten easier to apologize over the years but every once in a while my pride stands in the way and the upset lasts way longer than it should.

There are consequences to stubborn pride and belligerent anger.  I know enough about my cycle of depression to be aware of the warning signs and for me it usually begins with pride and belligerence followed by isolation. God knows my family history, I am fearfully and wonderfully made after all.  If He hadn't taught me how to notice my reactions, submit, apologize and re-center I would continue down the depression spiral.  So I gave up my belligerent anger and appologized.  After years of practice it's no longer easier said than done, it's just done.  I appologize and let it go.  You can too.

What are your triggers?  What sets you down a negative spiral?  Do you have a hard time letting go of being angry?

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